The Fear Of Ending Up Alone

I’m sorry to even go here; I’m sorry to even throw myself the pity party of the year, but I think this is something that everyone has grappled with at some point in their lives. We try not to think about it too much though. I mean, we spend so much time talking about love and sex. We go to lunch with our friends and talk about being single or who we’re sleeping with, but these conversations mostly consist of soundbites and false reassurances. We feel safe in that moment with our friends in some bustling restaurant on a Saturday afternoon and tell each other, “I’m finally okay with being single. I really don’t want someone right now because I’m just so focused on my career or X, Y, and Z.” Or even something more along the lines of, “I hate being single. I need to get laid. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate boys and/or girls!” We think we’re talking honestly and maybe we are. But we try not to think about the concept of forever. When you’re single, you tell yourself it’s a dry spell or that it can be remedied by “putting yourself out there” or joining an online dating service. It could always be fixed. There’s always time.

But what if this is it, this is forever? What if we have a few more relationships, some of which might be wonderful and end up in marriage, but we still end up alone when we’re 75 and need someone to take us to our doctor’s appointment? I mean, that’s the whole point of finding The One, right? So someone can wipe your ass, clean up your vomit, give you your pills because they love you dammit and they signed the contract!

Being a spinster or an old maid has often been treated with flippancy in our culture. A woman has a lot of cats and wears potato sack dresses and drinks lots of wine. She’s a fun drunk cat lady! Or a man goes to a dive bar and feels the judgement and pity coming from the much younger patrons, but whatever, he’s just a lifelong bachelor. But the reality is that ending up alone sounds devastating and if you really think about it outside the context of some chic brunch or rom-com, it will leave you winded and gasping for air.

I remember one night recently in which I was walking home from a friend’s apartment in Soho. It was a Saturday night, which meant that Manhattan was a complete shitshow. Groups of friends and lovers were waltzing around laughing and their gregarious behavior reverberated through the city, practically making me deaf. I looked at all of these people who looked so happy and connected with each other and then I looked at myself — a boy walking home alone on a Saturday night amongst a sea of fun. This sounds totally cliche and whiny, right? It’s not like I hadn’t been that person before, galavanting around with a boyfriend and a group of friends. I have lots of love in my life and have loved a good number of men, this I knew. But there was something about that night that triggered this intense feeling of vulnerability. It was like I was suddenly walking in the most dangerous neighborhood and could be swept up at any moment. I felt exposed and raw, like people were looking at me and had written me off as a sad pathetic character in the narrative of their lives.

The next day, I tried to think about what it was that made me feel so alone. I had walked home plenty of times alone on a Saturday night and felt perfectly fine. But last night, I realized, I had thought about Forever for the first time in a long time. I believed that this was just one of many walks that I was going to experience alone. This was going to be it for the rest of my life. I was going to be the person everyone was afraid of becoming. I would take one for the team and become That Guy. It had never felt more tangible than it did in that moment. I could feel it, I could see it, I could taste my future grief.

We don’t like to think about the worst-case scenario, but it sometimes hits us in strange moments and it becomes more real than anything else. You forget about all the times your ex said I love you and meant it. You only think about the fact that you’re born alone and you die alone.

I know I’m going to be okay and that this is just a weird vulnerable period of my life. I really do. I know I’ll find someone again just like I have before and I’ll laugh about how emotional and fearful I used to be. “Haha, so dramatic, Ryan! Little did you know there was the perfect penis for you right around the corner!” But that’s not how I felt that night. That night there was no other person for me. I was going to end up alone. It was fated.

Being single is difficult like that. We can talk and write about it as much as we want. We can rent movies that profit off of our grief, and commiserate with friends over a bottle of wine. But those brief moments in which we think about the possibility of being alone forever are so quietly devastating. It’s your worst nightmare becoming real for five blocks. This is something Katherine Heigl can’t conjure in her latest movie. These moments aren’t what you talk about at brunch unless you get really wasted and want to have that kind of day. It’s like being single in HD. And then as quickly as it came on, the moment leaves you and you’re back to feeling okay. Maybe the moment will even scare you into not staying home the next night; in which case, the moment has done its job. TC mark

image – Grey74

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://movemebrightly.com El

    my favorite post on thought catalog. honest and thoughtful. thanks ryan! I’d totally walk to streets of Manhattan with you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

      I’d walk the streets of anywhere!

  • http://www.facebook.com/indiangiver Amanda Mae Viers

    Maybe we’ll all end up alone. 

    I was alone for 20 months. Now, I’m not alone. But I don’t see him, so I am alone. When you’re not alone you start obsessing that because he doesn’t need to see you every day anymore because he’s got bigger fish to fry with his career or X, Y, Z, or maybe he doesn’t want you and you’ll be alone. 

    But fuck him. You’re fine alone, right? RIGHT?

    Ugh.

  • Diana

    such a raw and honest article. definately  your best, and i can completely relate to this. you have such a talent and this hit home a little too much for me in the best way. can we be emo and listen to the Smith’s soon ryan?

  • space mountain

    i walk alone through the city on saturday nights knowing it won’t be ok

    • Romilly Hope

      It will be. You’ll see.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Touching & relateable. Allow me to present you with a serious internet high five: ^5

  • KP

    Great article – this exact same thing happened to me Friday night and I thought to myself, “I’m going to be alone forever.”  It’s kind of a scary thought to have, but it’s also a very improbable that it will actually come to fruition.

  • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of a memory

    A gentle sigh.  Beautiful, Ryan.

  • Mila Jaroniec

    Amazing but crippling. Gawd.

    Definitely favorite :)

  • Sarah Parker

    “I mean, that’s the whole point of finding The One, right? So someone can wipe your ass, clean up your vomit, give you your pills because they love you dammit and they signed the contract!” 

    I think that’s why people have children. Indentured servitude for the elderly! 

    This was beautifully honest. I hope I always feel I’d rather be alone than stick with something less than satisfying out of fear, though. I think too many people do that. 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    Truth:
    “Whenever I see a woman who’s happy, she’s married. Whenever I see a man who’s happy, he’s single.”
    ~ Larry David

  • loveandcarciofi

    you read my mind all the time.

  • shadi

    A very thought provoking post.  Makes one question the meaning of  “alone”? ” forever”?
    for me, being alone is not dependent on being in a relationship with someone or not…

  • shadi

    A very thought provoking post.  Makes one question the meaning of  “alone”? ” forever”?
    for me, being alone is not dependent on being in a relationship with someone or not…

  • http://www.365reasonswhyimstillsingle.blogspot.com Jeannie

    It’s easy to get sucked into the “I’ll be alone forever” vortex, but there has to be hope.  I’ve been single for a long time, but am glad that I have amazing friends that are there for me and probably fill the void much better than some dude who may or may not leave in three months.  In the meantime, my best friend and I wrote a book called “365 Reasons Why I’m Still Single.”  It’s a fun and lighthearted take on being single…and a reason for every day of the year.  :)  Check it out on Amazon or be a fan on Facebook (or both!) http://amzn.to/efDMiC and http://on.fb.me/pzutLv

  • Andres

    hey girl, hey!

  • Burger King

    Oops, I thought I clicked Thought Catalog, not LiveJournal.

  • Sagar

    Well written :)

  • http://lostcount.tumblr.com Lost Count

    you’ll just have to settle for someone you think is “ok.” I mean if you start to decompose and you need someone, I’m sure there will be somebody. They might not be good looking and they might be a little bit annoying, but hey, they will probably like you and wipe your butt.

  • http://twitter.com/rainbowcouch Rainbow Couch

    The fear that dare not speak its name. We’re all scared of that, but we keep changing the subject.

  • Anonymous
  • Jake

    I swear to god every day you post exactly what i’m thinking/need (but often don’t want) to hear.

  • Anonymous

    Well, that hurt to read. You know a post is written well when you keep wondering if it’s a good idea to finish it, emotionally. Have to admit, I scanned at the end, but that was only because it was too good.

  • what

    at what age is it socially problematic for one to have never been in any sort of relationship? i am almost twenty-one; i only finally happened upon the first three kisses of my life two years ago and this is exhausting.

  • Anonymous
  • Wdeanis

    Good ending Ryan, very poignant phrasing in that last sentence.

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