Ten Reasons Why I Think Your Band Sucks

  1. You’re all style and no substance. You’re one of those bands who had a photo shoot before you even wrote a song. Oh, I know bands who have done that before. That stuff is real. So, yeah, you’re a cute trio of 16-year-old girls and one of you even plays a ukelele. So what? Your songs are still half-cooked and boring! (Love that photo of you guys hanging in the trees and holding birthday cakes though.)
  2. All of your songs are about the summer. WTF? Why is summer the most popular girl in school right now? Every song I hear lately is about summer or the beach. “Summer Bummer”, “Let’s Go Surfing”, “Saddest Summer” etc. The most hilarious part is that most of these summer obsessed bands aren’t even from places that have actual beaches. They’re from inland towns or the Midwest. That’s the trend in music lately though—being a weird summer beach poser.
  3. You’re a 35-year-old singer who writes lyrics about candy and kissing boys behind the monkey bars. I mean, I get that it’s twee and adorable to talk about such things, but it’s also weird because you’re clearly too old to be living la vida schoolgirl. I hope that you’re not actually kissing boys behind the bars because chances are it’s probably illegal.
  4. You’re a douchey bro and it makes it really hard to enjoy your music when I know it’s being played at beer pong tournaments everywhere.
  5. You suffer from Lykke Li syndrome, which means you sound ridiculous in all of your interviews. Have you heard or read some of the things she says? It’s hilarious. “I wrote that song when I was on mushrooms in the forest and everything felt so dark and cold. I would just wander around Los Angeles like a ghost. I would read Ginsberg and just fade away…” Don’t read interviews with her because you’ll just laugh and then feel angry and delete her songs from your iTunes.
  6. My mom likes your music.
  7. My friend met you IRL and said you were a dick. Now I can’t get that out of my head whenever I listen to your music and it sucks! I really liked your stuff but I can’t enjoy it like I used to. This is further proof that you should NEVER meet your idols. There’s a good chance they’ll be lame and it will kill your boner forever.
  8. There’s so much reverb happening! Don;t get me wrong, I love me some fuzzed out goodness but this takes it one step too far. I can’t even understand what you’re saying and I’m pretty sure that if you stripped away all of the effects, we would have a Jennifer Lopez situation going on.
  9. The story of how you guys formed is troublesome. “We were doing nothing. We, like, met in a bowling alley and started a band as a joke. We didn’t expect any of this!” Translation: “We knew EXACTLY what we were doing. We whored ourselves out on social media and worked around the clock to cultivate a specific image. This ain’t no happy accident!”
  10. Your music sounds like everything I’ve already heard but infinitely more annoying because you added the banjo. Thought Catalog Logo Mark
image – currybet

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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