You shared everything together. They saw you cry for no reason at all at two o’clock in the morning. They know about the issues you have with your parents, they picked out the olives in your salad because they knew you hated them. They may have sucked on your balls, for God’s sake. They went down on your vagina! So why settle for a watered down version of what you used to have? Every time you see them you’re just going to think, “I sucked on your balls and now we’re drinking iced tea and talking about the weather.” No thanks.
It’ll be tortuous, especially if you still want to sleep with them. You’re no longer allowed to do so. You own no more stocks on their body. You’ve been bought out. As you sit there actively trying to be friends, you’re going to grow resentful about the fact that you can longer kiss them. Just a little while ago, you could do whatever you wanted to their body and their face, and now it’s the one thing you’re not allowed to touch. You might just scream at them, “Why can’t I just touch your penis/vagina anymore?! It used to be mine to touch. Give it back!” I wouldn’t actually recommend saying that though because you might be called crazy.
It will hurt too much. Listen, there’s no shame in not being an evolved grown up. No one said that we had to be friends with our exes. We can give into our insane feelings and say, “Screw you! You hurt me badly and I have no interest in shooting the breeze with you. We only do it so we can pat ourselves on the back afterwards and I don’t want to give you that satisfaction.”
If they were the one who broke your heart, hanging out with them is going to make you feel so undesirable. You’ll try to look really cute when you go on your friendship date, in hopes that it will make them want you again. They’ll say, “Oh my god. That tank top you’re wearing has reminded me why I fell in love with you. Let’s get back together!” No, it’s not going to happen. You could go to these things looking like absolute garbage or royalty and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. They’ve already fallen out of love with you and that won’t change if you’re having a good hair day.
Some exes we can be friends with. Some we can get lunch with and not think about the fact that we once licked their genitalia. But some exes are a “NEVER” in the friendship category. These are the people we hurt the most or who hurt us the most. And it’s okay to say “See you later!” It doesn’t make us immature, it makes us smart. If being an adult means subjecting ourselves to pure torture with someone who used to love us, then call me Peter Goddamn Pan.