1. Marissa Cooper from The OC
In just three seasons on The OC, Marissa Cooper managed to OD on painkillers in Tijuana, destroy precious backyard furniture, blackout more times than I can count, become a lesbian, become straight again, dabble in coke, and eventually die a fiery death. Phew! That was exhausting just to recap. What’s interesting about Marissa is that even though she was insane, she was also a total bore. Like she did crazy things and stuff but watching her interact with people was totally painful. Weird!
2. Kim Richards from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Poor Kim Richards — she never can seem to catch a break, can she? Unlucky in love and in and out of rehab, she’s a sad tragic figure who spends her daze clutching old photographs from her child star days and throwing martini glasses at the gardner. If you haven’t caught her act on The Real Housewives, you must tune in immediately. Last week, she went to Aspen with the girls and spent four hours laying down in a stretch limo, talking about how much energy she had. Then, mysteriously, she complained of having flu symptoms and wanted to spend the day in bed, presumably to take her “medication” and talk to the voices in her head.
3. Paula Abdul from Hey Paula!
Hey Paula – Paula Abdul’s colossal mistake of a reality show that aired on Bravo – was a gift from the television gods. It showed the singer/ dancer/ dreamer tackle everyday struggles like ordering Starbucks and trying not to pass out on the floor while smelling perfume samples. It also showed her acting like a complete diva, ordering her assistants around and complaining that she wasn’t being treated like the gift that she is. Realizing the insane PR misstep they had made, Paula and her team opted not to do another season of the show, much to the disappointment of fans/ revelers everywhere.
4. Liza Minnelli from HER LIFE
I don’t know much about Liza (I know, I know) but I am aware that she’s a hot pilled-out mess who once married a gay man. This clip of her laughing hysterically for no reason on Larry King Live is almost too good to be true. The best part is when she accidentally laughs at a caller when he tells her that he’s a musical theater major. LOL.
5. Kelly Osbourne from The Osbournes
Kelly Osbourne — who famously struggled with an addiction to prescription painkillers while filming The Osbournes — was kind of a sad pill head. She got unfortunate piercings, wore sunglasses indoors, and spent her days vomiting until she finally checked into the Malibu rehab clinic, Broken Promises. MTV took a strange approach to Kelly’s drug addiction, choosing to show it in a mocking montage set to a horrible cover of “White Rabbit.” After being in and out of rehab for a few years though, Osbourne has seemed to finally kick the habit, helping with drug outreach on Dr. Phil. I honestly have nothing clever to say because I think she kind of kicks serious ass. I mean, have you even heard her second album?