I Hate Drunk Moms At Concerts

Dear Drunk Mom Who Was In Front Of Me At The Dirty Beaches Concert Last Night,

When I saw you sloppily push your way to the front of the stage and eventually stand in front of me, I knew that my concert experience was going to take a turn for the worse. Let’s be honest with ourselves: Wasted mothers are public enemy #1 at concerts. They typically travel in packs with other mothers (GIRLS NIGHT. I GAVE THE KIDS AMBIEN!) and if it’s not a Norah Jones or Susan Boyle show, you can almost guarantee they are the proud parent of someone who’s in the band. Six beers + emotional Mom pride = I’m going to want to kill myself after three songs.

The signs were all there — you were wearing an ill-fitting top that was presumably purchased in the “What’s My Age Again?” section at a department store and had droopy eyes that could only be a result of consuming a copious amount of beer or just having bad eyesight. Now look, I get it. When you get older and have children, your opportunities to get hammered decrease by 1000 percent. That’s why concerts are an adult’s playground. They’re treated as if they’re a hardcore rave. They can listen to some good music, drink tons of booze, and make out with their spouses (with mad tongue) without feeling self-conscious about it. They’re in a safe space. But last night, you crossed the line, Drunk Mom! While your clumsy dance moves initially brought me joy, your body began to violently seizure and bump into mine repeatedly. In your wasted haze, you also mistook my feet to be a part of the dance floor so you had no problem stomping up and down on them.

We weren’t at a metal show. We were watching Dirty Beaches — a Pitchfork buzz band that makes creepy, sexy, and tense music that kind of sounds like a mixture of Elvis Presley and Nick Cave — so I didn’t quite understand it when you would look back at me and give me an angry stare if I wasn’t dancing. Trust me when I say that you were dancing enough for the both of us. But don’t think I didn’t overhear what you said to your friend in the unfortunate zebra pants. You said:

Drunk Mom # 1: This is BS. Why is no one dancing?! Hello!
Drunk Mom # 2: Seriously, seriously, seriously. Have fun just standing there, jeez!
Drunk Mom # 1: People are just too cool to have fun these days. Isn’t that right, Deb?
Drunk Mom # 2: We’ll show them!

Showing us kids the true meaning of cool entailed moving your hands wildly about and accidentally spilling your beer on me. Suddenly, I began to feel threatened. Instead of the usual punk kids who try to start a mosh pit, you established yourself as the bully of the concert. Every five minutes, you would look back and shoot me another death stare before spastically jerking your body back and forth during a song that was intended to be a ballad. Beads of sweat began to drip down my forehead. I was scared, real scared. That Dooney & Burke clutch you were holding might as well have been a switchblade!

Between songs, you would heckle the sexy lead singer and scream, “You are hot! Woooooo!” I sincerely hope then that you just happened to be a mom with very hip music tastes and not the actual mother of a band member in Dirty Beaches. Because that would be creepy.

You encounter a lot of annoying people at concerts — the couple having dry sex in the middle of the room, the person who is trying to turn the show into Woodstock ’99, or the rude stoner who won’t share any of his weed — but I would say that you’re the worst, Drunk Mom, because you scare me. Stick to your Andrea Bocelli shows at the Hollywood Bowl and I’ll stick to the DIY venues in Brooklyn with two dollar beers, k?

Love,
Someone Who Will Never Be A Drunk Mom TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

I Hate Drunk Moms At Concerts is cataloged in , , , , , , , ,
  • http://www.facebook.com/tarynn.law Tarynn Law

    Get out of my mind, Ryan. Please. 

  • sarah

    yes to all of the above. but buy your own weed. seriously. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    Blah.

  • Stephervescent

    Can we also discuss the stupid, young, high as a kite college kids who are so busy taking pictures and telling their friends how much they love them that I can’t enjoy the show I am trying to watch?

    • Brandon h

      No, I’d rather hear more about drunk old ladies in tube tops. 

  • http://www.tinacris.ca Cristina

    I’ve never seen my mother drunk. Thank God.

  • Brandon h

    We have to be boyfriends now. You posted a picture from Drop Dead Gorgeous, the most awesomest movie of all time.

    “Make sure you get the money up front”

  • Vivekananda Nemana

    One time I went to a reggae concert (don’t ask) and a drunk mom behind me grabbed my ass. Only she didn’t just grab it, she squeezed it as if she were sharpening her talons on my buttocks. Nobody has ever partied so hard with my ass again. 

  • Eilonwy

    Personally, even when the people around me have atrocious concert etiquette, I start with the assumption that they’re fundamentally there because they like the music being played. This tends to make it easier to straighten out relations when I get stomped, spilled on, or groped — and by no means have middle-aged women cornered the market on these activities at shows I’ve attended.

  • http://lostcount.tumblr.com Lost Count

    I totally feel you. I also feel the drunk mom. I can’t stand being at a show and people just stand there and stare. I mean… a little sway or closing of the eyes always helps.
    Luckily where I live, I don’t have to push people out of the way to get to the front. People are really cool here about just being like “Oh, please do pass me to the front. Have fun for me, because I don’t know how to have fun without feeling like everyone is staring at me. I’m scared for me but happy for you!”
    But in conclusion, yes. I refrain from smacking or drooling on people.

  • AoS

    So tired of the “anti-mom”/”anti-older woman” meme permeating our culture these days. I’m 40 now and I’ve attended as many live rock shows as possible since starting back at 15 years old. Bad behavior is not limited to “moms”.  (And seriously what does being a “mom” have anything to do with it?) I see plenty of annoyingly drunk (or high) males (and females) of all ages. Some of them might even be *gasp* Dads. Apparently it is okay if they go out in public.  Only old bag moms need to stay at home in rocking chairs watching Matlock reruns while gumming pureed bananas.  Ah, you’ll all be “old” soon enough….make sure you stay home then too.

    • Kay

      I’m just shocked that a 4o year old reads TC. Unless you happen to be one of the writers mom.

      • AoS

        Right, because a 40 year old couldn’t possibly be interested in pop culture, good writing or thoughtful commentary. 

      • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

        AOS I feel ya. I believe Ryan was being humorous, but their is a real anti-old-meme in this culture. I’m 33 and seems I was 25 yesterday, and sometimes feel old reading this site. BUT 40 isn’t old! Maybe if Ryan was straight he would’ve been checking out the woman’s ass and flirting with her, and wouldn’t have been annoyed.

  • Guest

    Ryan, write more stuff like this and less stuff about being a 20 something and relationships/love. This was refreshing and hilarious.

  • Sauce00

    Perhaps the writer of this article should stay home and listen to Dirty Beaches on his itunes rather than go see them at a show and thus have to be confronted with the possibility that Dirty Beaches has fans that are not all college aged hipsters. There are older men and women who have been going to shows since before even I was born and if some of them are still into new music then I think that is cool. My dad saw The Ramones and The Stooges back in the 70s and took me to my first indie shows! In any case most musicians I know actually appreciate an enthusiastic audience.

    • a.

      There’s a difference between being an older person at a show and being the insanely obnoxious older person at the show making a scene.

      • Amber

        How is that different than being a regular twenty-something at a show and then being an insanely obnoxious twenty-something at a show? 

        Only difference I see is that there’s usually 100x more obnoxious twenty-somethings than there are obnoxious older people.

    • AoS

      Musicians tend to love the older audiences . They have the audacity to actually pay for music.

  • Jukie

    Great article, as usual Ryan.  I thought you were speaking to me.  I’m 49 and attended a Yuck concert in support of my daughter.  I allow her musical tastes to rub off on me (thank god) since she’s in the indie biz.   I wasn’t even drunk, but managed to spill my drink on myself, with my awkward dance moves and camera juggling.   ha ha    The rudest person was a young girl about 2 rows from the front yakking away with her bros while the band was performing.  MY icy stares were ineffective.

  • Elizabethnewby

    Fuck you, Ryan! I love drunk moms!

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    there’s a different between being an adult (male or female) at a concert, a sober mom/dad at a concert, and being a drunk mom/dad at a concert so i don’t know why people are getting offended by this. but also there are usually differences from drunk moms and drunk dads. drunk dads usually act like all the other drunk bros while they try to fit in with the kids. drunk moms typically are the ones thrusting their limbs in others’ faces, spilling their drinks, being loud and annoying. i had a drunk mom (with her kids) cut in front of me at a concert, separating me from my friends. she tried to punch me when i pushed around her. guh.

  • Xsandyfishnetsx

    Drunk moms are usually nice to me. Its the drunk old dudes who try to act like they are cooler than you because they have more experience or whatever that piss me off.

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    fuck anyone who ruins a good concert experience. its called manners. if you dont have them, be a mom dad, kid. then you are an asshole. vagina or penis wielding doosh

  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous
  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Agreed a thousand times over. Drunk Mom is such a buzzkill.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=24703745 Carleigh Anne Mahaffey

    While I agree with your sentiments regarding horrible concert behavior, I think it applies to “Anyone who does this” and not just moms.

    However I truly resent your choice of Annette Atkins as the photographic example. SHE WAS A BRILLIANT MOTHER!!! (DDG is one of my all-time favorites!)

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    Careful, Ryan, you may become a drunk mom one day! 
    Give it time, your fate is coming for you~

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    Careful, Ryan, you may become a drunk mom one day! 
    Give it time, your fate is coming for you~

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    Careful, Ryan, you may become a drunk mom one day! 
    Give it time, your fate is coming for you~

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    Careful, Ryan, you may become a drunk mom one day! 
    Give it time, your fate is coming for you~

blog comments powered by Disqus