How To Spend Lots Of Money To Make Yourself Look Homeless
By Thoughtis
Have issues with being privileged and growing up with lots of money. Become a punk in high school because you just can’t, like, wear Oxfords, you know? Have no trouble letting your parents buy you a Roland keyboard and new guitar though. It’s for your band, The Trustafarians, and it’s an investment. You guys are thisclose to getting a write up in Spin.
Buy really expensive hair wax at the place your mom gets her haircut. Run it through your hair a million times to achieve a bedhead look. Every dab you run through your mane to look cheap costs an approximate $3.60. Smile with satisfaction.
Revolt against your upbringing and start shopping at thrift stores. Drive around in a Thunderbird that’s worth $100,000 but find security in the fact that it’s vintage. It’s your Dylan McKay car! Dread the family vacations to Greece because the pictures are going to totally screw up your internet image. They’ll be sandwiched in between photos of you drinking PBR in some warehouse. You can’t hide from The Family Vacation Photos though. They reveal so much about your life. You’re caught on candid camera now.
Spend so much on beauty products that have a primary goal in making you look like a piece of trash. Use Chanel make up to give yourself cokehead raccoon eyes. Start screaming in frustration at your perfect skin and Richie Rich face. Go to a ‘bad neighborhood” and roll around in shards of glass. After that, go to the forest and roll around in the dirt. Emerge with a black eye and twigs in your hair.
Destroy your designer bags. Have sex on a pile of Birkins. Smear ketchup on your Marc by Marc Jacobs messenger bag. Don’t actually buy a cheap bag because, ew, it’s cheap! Beat your boyfriend with your Miu Miu clutch in order to give it that distressed look. Try to stress out your expensive clothes as much as possible by wearing them to house parties, concerts, and rock climbing.
Pretend to be perpetually broke. Turn down going out to dinner with your friends because the restaurant is, “Too rich for my blood!” Never get a job though. Never. Rip your designer jeans and ruin your new boots from APC by pouring whiskey all over them. Always have a cigarette dangling lazily from your lips. Keep your apartment dirty and disgusting. Strategically place old cans of beers and Ernest Hemingway books on your desk to give that real poor vibe. Don’t ever mention that your parents bought you the apartment.
You can buy actual cheap things if you want to look poor, but that would go against everything you’ve been taught. Expensive soaps, shampoos, candles, and jeans are all that you know. It’s a part of your culture. You didn’t know there was anything wrong with $80 conditioner until you realized that everything was wrong with it. You spend the money you have to look like you’re broke but the jig is up, my friend. An outfit that set you back two grand still looks like a $2,000 outfit, no matter how hard you try to make it look otherwise. Either go to TJ Maxx already or deal with the fact that your parents bought you a pony.