How To Get Laid

How do you get someone to have sex with you? First things first, don’t go looking for it! That would make too much sense. You should be actively not looking for sex when you’re on your search to get laid. Does that make sense? I’m sorry if it doesn’t. I didn’t make the rules. Hollywood did, duh!

When you’re on your not-searching-but-totally-searching quest to get laid, you should wear something really flirty and sexy. Again, don’t do this consciously. It should all exist in your subconscious. If you put on your “have sex with me” heels or a slutty tank top, people are going to smell the desperation and say no. It’s always when you’re wearing clothes on a laundry day that you actually get laid. And by laundry clothes, I mean the outfits that look sloppy but actually took a long time to put together. No one would actually have sex with you when you’re wearing sweatpants. And if they did, it must be some kind of sick fetish!

When you do meet someone, remember that it’s all about ~~~body LANGUAGE~~~~. Use this as a quick guide.

Hand brushing against thigh in conversation = Yeah, I’m probably going to sleep with you, okay? Let’s not make a big deal out of it! Let me just have 2.5 more drinks. And you better not live in a walk-up.
Rubbing your privates mid-conversation = It’s on. You’re already naked against a bearskin rug and I’m going to town on you. I’m kind of disgusting and I hope you won’t notice. I mean, are you sure you want to sleep with me? Sweet.
No eye contact = I hate you. You remind me of my least favorite parent.
Straddling someone’s lap within minutes of meeting them = I hate myself. I will sleep with you but only because I’m in a weird place.
Twisting your face around to avoid direct conversation = You terrify me. This will never happen. You’re never going near my special place.

Can you remember all of that? Good! Now, when it comes to making conversation with someone you would like to have sex with, make sure to send as many mixed messages as possible.

You: I think you’re disgusting and vile! Don’t ever have sex with me! (COUGH) Have sex with me!
Them: Wait, what? You’re a real jerk!
You: Your face scares me. It gives me nightmares. I’m going to hate looking at in bed!
Them: Did you just call me ugly and then infer that we will be having sex later?
You: How dare you? Yes, that is something I said! You freak!
Them: Well, okay, let’s do it then.
You: In your dreams. I’ll see you in five. I just have to pull the car around.

Are you getting it yet? Getting laid is really hard and weird sometimes. It involves giving a lot of mixed messages and wearing slutty clothing. Good luck though! Use this guide if nothing but for a good laugh. Print it out and bring it to the next person you want to sleep with. Maybe it will get you laid for real? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – loop_oh

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Related

More From Thought Catalog