How To Get Laid

How do you get someone to have sex with you? First things first, don’t go looking for it! That would make too much sense. You should be actively not looking for sex when you’re on your search to get laid. Does that make sense? I’m sorry if it doesn’t. I didn’t make the rules. Hollywood did, duh!

When you’re on your not-searching-but-totally-searching quest to get laid, you should wear something really flirty and sexy. Again, don’t do this consciously. It should all exist in your subconscious. If you put on your “have sex with me” heels or a slutty tank top, people are going to smell the desperation and say no. It’s always when you’re wearing clothes on a laundry day that you actually get laid. And by laundry clothes, I mean the outfits that look sloppy but actually took a long time to put together. No one would actually have sex with you when you’re wearing sweatpants. And if they did, it must be some kind of sick fetish!

When you do meet someone, remember that it’s all about ~~~body LANGUAGE~~~~. Use this as a quick guide.

Hand brushing against thigh in conversation = Yeah, I’m probably going to sleep with you, okay? Let’s not make a big deal out of it! Let me just have 2.5 more drinks. And you better not live in a walk-up.
Rubbing your privates mid-conversation = It’s on. You’re already naked against a bearskin rug and I’m going to town on you. I’m kind of disgusting and I hope you won’t notice. I mean, are you sure you want to sleep with me? Sweet.
No eye contact = I hate you. You remind me of my least favorite parent.
Straddling someone’s lap within minutes of meeting them = I hate myself. I will sleep with you but only because I’m in a weird place.
Twisting your face around to avoid direct conversation = You terrify me. This will never happen. You’re never going near my special place.

Can you remember all of that? Good! Now, when it comes to making conversation with someone you would like to have sex with, make sure to send as many mixed messages as possible.

You: I think you’re disgusting and vile! Don’t ever have sex with me! (COUGH) Have sex with me!
Them: Wait, what? You’re a real jerk!
You: Your face scares me. It gives me nightmares. I’m going to hate looking at in bed!
Them: Did you just call me ugly and then infer that we will be having sex later?
You: How dare you? Yes, that is something I said! You freak!
Them: Well, okay, let’s do it then.
You: In your dreams. I’ll see you in five. I just have to pull the car around.

Are you getting it yet? Getting laid is really hard and weird sometimes. It involves giving a lot of mixed messages and wearing slutty clothing. Good luck though! Use this guide if nothing but for a good laugh. Print it out and bring it to the next person you want to sleep with. Maybe it will get you laid for real? TC mark

image – loop_oh

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • Franco

    Disgusting . . .

  • Marthabuca

    Not your best piece Ryan…

  • Bitchy_Comment

    Imply and infer are not the same thing…

  • suneet gautam

    haven’t read thought catalog in a while.. this is why

  • Gregory Costa

    There are over 6 billion people in this world and by 2050, that number will be an estimated 10 billion people.  The population increase will be largely in part from countries that have yet to discover the Internet, let alone your advice on how to get laid.  Writing on how to get laid, whether facetious or practical, seems as useful as writing an article on how to breathe.

    Why don’t we give the sex talk a rest for a little while?

    • Myself

      I know a good doctor who could remove that stick from your ass. 

      • Gregory Costa

        That stick up my ass is the only thing that keeps me company.  It stays. 

      • Jordan Fields

        Take it from someone who’s dealt with scientists/engineers for a very
        long time.  Don’t bother with insults.  they’re of an entirely
        different breed and have been trained to deflect criticism.  The only
        chink in the armour is attacking their research

    • J. Ky Marsh

      Well, apparently I’m alone here, but I liked this comment and share the same sentiment.

      • Jordan Fields

        No you’re not alone.  at least I learned something from this comment.  10 billion people……unless of course there is a nuclear disaster or devastating earthquake or hurricane.  Time will only tell!

  • what

    why is this trash allowed on thought catalog?

    • Deadpunk


  • Sohaib Qureshi

    Ryan! Honey! Seriously??? :/

  • kiankkow

    you made my morning

  • 371747

    step one: get on OKC, list yourself as looking for casual sex
    step  two: reap benefits

    • J. Ky Marsh

      Best possible comment.

  • ariel

    “Straddling someone’s lap within minutes of meeting them = I hate myself. I will sleep with you but only because I’m in a weird place.”

    This made me laugh.

  • Afad

    I miss the time when your pieces had substance and were well-written. Most of TC’s selections lately have been superficial and sloppy.

  • Jesse

    Lighten up people. This article’s hilarious.

  • André Philippe Leblond

    Our strategies are so different! This is usually how I get laid:
    Guy: Hey. Me: Hey. Guy: Would you like to take a shot of tequila with me? Me: Well I’ve never been known to say no to much of anything. Guy: A man after my own heart.- a dozen or so shots of tequila and a walk of indeterminable length later- Me: What are we doing in this park? Guy: Well I still live with my ex so I can’t bring you home. He would NOT be pleased. Me: Oh. -pants are unbuckled, public sex ensues- Guy: Where did you say you’re from again? Me: Montréal Guy: Ah..

  • Talia Thestra

    Lol I can guarantee if you go to a club wearing “have sex with me” heels and a slutty tank top, you WILL get laid.

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