1. Desperate Diva
Desperate Diva is the perfect fragrance for the twentysomething gal on the go! Whether she’s doing a walk of a shame in the harsh sunlight of a Sunday morning or eating her weight in Nutella on top of five issues of Cosmo, she never goes anywhere without a spritz of this lovely perfume! It contains notes of desperation (obviously) and loneliness, and is rounded out with the lovely smell of a Netflix envelope right before it’s being sent back in the mailbox!
2. Anxiety Aura
Anxiety Aura is a perfume for the anxious Annie in all of us! Release dates have been postponed due to nervousness but it’s finally going to be in stores this Friday! I mean, I think. Just talking about it is stressful so let’s not, shall we? To create the fragrance, professional people in lab coats scoured pharmacies around the world, sampling all kinds of anti-anxiety medications. They then took the best smelling ones and chopped them up into fine lines. Now when you spray the perfume, not only when you smell like a doctor’s office, you can actually lick it off your neck and get stoned! The press release reads, “Want to feel like a jellyfish in the bathtub? Wear this!” Um, sold!
3. Super Chic Sexy Superiority
Super Chic Sexy Superiority appeals to our more high end clientele, like those who have jobs and boyfriends. Wearing this perfume will cause those around you to feel totally inadequate. It’s sort of like seeing a Facebook status update that says, “I GOT THE JOB….AND THE RING!” over and over again. It has notes of a 401k and Smug Fulfillment (which I guess just smells like sandalwood) with a splash of “I AM ME!” ****Sold only at stores you’re too poor to shop at BYE*****
4. UnIqUe and UnEmPloyed
Do you ever find yourself watching Reality Bites, feeling like a total failure, and cursing the day you were born? Then this perfume is for you! A natural upper (it contains hints of amphetamines, which can be intoxicating when placed near your nostril), UnIqUe and UnEmPloyed turns that twentysomething frown upside down by making you feel unnaturally confident and capable! Note: Wearing this fragrance does not guarantee employment. Warning: Studies have shown this fragrance to be highly addictive.
5. Narcissist Nectar
This perfume is all about you! In fact, each bottle is personally designed to have your life story—it has your bio listed on the side of the bottle and even comes with a headshot of your beautiful face! Wearing this fragrance will make you feel special and smart and quirky, and you will just love how it’s developed! First, official looking people take you out to a fancy dinner to talk to you about your wants and desires. They want the fragrance to perfectly capture your essence so it’s important they do their research. They’ll then write a blog entry about how special you are and post it to their website. Finally, you’ll get a photoshoot with Uncle Terry Richardson for your headshot! So chic, so you! *****Narcissist Nectar retails for $69, 420.00. Ten percent of the proceeds go to the Narcissistic Twentysomething Foundation though, which has offices in New York, Los Angeles, and your bedroom.