1. A virgin (who can’t drive?)
When you sleep with a virgin, you’re giving them much more than five minutes of pain and half an orgasm. Your name will forever hold meaning to them. It doesn’t matter if it lasted for two minutes in the bathroom, they’re going to remember you forever. Now, if you’re also a virgin or you’re in a relationship with someone who is, that’s fine. Go for it! Have awkward, emotional painful sex with them. You’ll still be around in the morning to spoon and give them a body to practice their craft on. But if you’re a nobody, you should really just decline the job of popping someone’s cherry. It’s a task that requires thoughtfulness, care, and emotions, which you might not have if this person is a legit random to you.
2. A misogynist
I know it’s sometimes fun to sleep with people who fundamentally hate who we are but…let’s not anymore? Girls who sleep with chauvinist jerks in suits need to be handed a copy of Eat Pray Love (just kidding!) and learn to say no to assholes. Granted, it’s not as easy as 1,2,3—there’s a lot of therapy that needs to be done and careful use of “I” statements to be employed—but men who hate women should not be allowed to sleep with them. I once slept with a dude who I’m pretty sure was a homophobe, which was fascinating, uncomfortable, and ultimately a bonerkill. Haters need to get off of you and into some electric shock therapy.
3. An alcoholic
Alcoholics are sloppy in bed and suffer continually from whiskey dick (I don’t think there’s a female equivalent to this but I’m sure sleeping with a female alcoholic also has its limitations). Alcoholics love booze more than your private parts despite what they might tell you. On a scale of 1 to 10, your genitalia is at like a 6 and boozy blackouts are an 11. Plus, drunk sex is mostly a waste anyway. Sure, you might have no inhibitions and get your kink on but you’ll probably never climax and you’ll wake up with bizarre bruises all over your body. Or so I’ve heard…
4. Someone who’s underage
Okay, want to hear something interesting? The other day my friend Jess (not her real name obvi) called to tell me that she slept with a 17-year-old boy on a cruise she just went on with her mom. It should be noted that Jess is 24. At first I was like, “You go girl????” but then I really thought about it and got kind of weirded out. I mean, if the genders had been reversed, I would’ve been sketched out. A 24-year-old dude creeping on an underage teenager? No thanks. I can’t indulge the double standard with this one. If you’re peeping on some underage flesh, you better be underage as well or, at the very most, be 20? I’m not sure. How old can you be before sleeping with a 17-year-old stops being cool and becomes creepy?
5. Someone who’s in a relationship
It doesn’t matter if you don’t know the person’s BF/GF personally. It’s bad karma to put your body in an occupied parking space. A few years ago, I made out with someone who I knew had a boyfriend (in my defense, they were being really aggressive and I was really drunk blah blah blah), but afterwards I just felt so consumed with guilt. I wasn’t a homowrecker! I tried to put myself in his boyfriend’s shoes and thought about how he would feel if he had found out, and it was enough for me to never go back to smooching charted territory. Also, it’s just kind of insulting to yourself. I am not The Other Woman, I am the THE Woman. I’m not going to be the guy everyone wants to fool around with but no one wants to actually date. By letting someone who’s taken hook up with you, you’re allowing them to have their cake and lick it too while also disrespecting your worth.