Just kidding! Everyone should eat. I guess I’m referring here to my own inability to eat on a first date. Blame it on nerves or my intense fear of having to poop when I’m with a near stranger but when I go to dinner with someone I potentially want to sleep with, I have trouble getting much of an appetite. It’s such false advertising though because I don’t typically eat like a bird. “Oh, this little thing? I mean, I live for this garden salad. I never get anything else.” Past boyfriends of mine must’ve been really confused when my ordering timeline went something like this:
First Date: Garden salad + steamed veggies :(
Second Date: Rice :(
Third Date: Caesar salad :/
Fourth Date: Chicken + mashed potatoes :/
Fifth Date: Nachos :)
Sixth Date: Nachos :)
Seventh Date: Screw you, I still want nachos :)
Eighth Date: Mac n’ cheese and a hamburger :)
Once my body finally allows me to order that hamburger, I (and my sensitive stomach) know the dude isn’t going anywhere.
2. Go to a concert
Why do people think it’s a fun idea to go to a concert for a first date? It sounds as appealing as drinking a broken glass smoothie. Concerts are noisy, hot, and should only be attended by close friends or those who are already in a committed relationship. Those 45 minutes you have to spend between bands setting up are usually so tedious and weird that you just need to be with someone who’s cool with playing the quiet game. Plus, what if your date hates the music? What if they think it all sounds stupid and horrible? They’ll think you’re stupid and horrible, oh my god!!!
3. Any activity that could involve sweating
No one sees me sweat until, like, the sixth date. An ideal situation for a first date would involve me and some cute boy existing in a pristine bubble and being carried down the street by a man named Rufus. My hair stays in the same exact position I styled it, my cologne doesn’t dull, and my face remains exactly how it was when I left the house. So please don’t ask me to, like, play hockey or ride bikes or something. This ain’t no reality show.
4. Talk about your ex
“Do you like the restaurant? My ex introduced me to it. About the only good thing they brought into my life! Ha, ha, ha, gulp, gulp, gulp. No, I’m sorry for even mentioning them. This is our time now and I won’t let my insane ex ruin it. Oh, you’re getting the penne vodka? That’s what my ex always got. Maybe you should go for the angel hair.”
Don’t cry or experience any emotion that could potentially alienate someone. You’re supposed to be a cool cucumber on a first date, the best version of yourself. You are a person who doesn’t fart, poop, cry, get angry, or eat lots of food. You are an even-tempered butterfly, not another crazy single person! This is performance art, bitch!