5 Things You Can’t Do On A First Date

1. Eat

Just kidding! Everyone should eat. I guess I’m referring here to my own inability to eat on a first date. Blame it on nerves or my intense fear of having to poop when I’m with a near stranger but when I go to dinner with someone I potentially want to sleep with, I have trouble getting much of an appetite. It’s such false advertising though because I don’t typically eat like a bird. “Oh, this little thing? I mean, I live for this garden salad. I never get anything else.” Past boyfriends of mine must’ve been really confused when my ordering timeline went something like this:

First Date: Garden salad + steamed veggies :(
Second Date: Rice :(
Third Date: Caesar salad :/
Fourth Date: Chicken + mashed potatoes :/
Fifth Date: Nachos :)
Sixth Date: Nachos :)
Seventh Date: Screw you, I still want nachos :)
Eighth Date: Mac n’ cheese and a hamburger :)

Once my body finally allows me to order that hamburger, I (and my sensitive stomach) know the dude isn’t going anywhere.

2. Go to a concert

Why do people think it’s a fun idea to go to a concert for a first date? It sounds as appealing as drinking a broken glass smoothie. Concerts are noisy, hot, and should only be attended by close friends or those who are already in a committed relationship. Those 45 minutes you have to spend between bands setting up are usually so tedious and weird that you just need to be with someone who’s cool with playing the quiet game. Plus, what if your date hates the music? What if they think it all sounds stupid and horrible? They’ll think you’re stupid and horrible, oh my god!!!

3. Any activity that could involve sweating

No one sees me sweat until, like, the sixth date. An ideal situation for a first date would involve me and some cute boy existing in a pristine bubble and being carried down the street by a man named Rufus. My hair stays in the same exact position I styled it, my cologne doesn’t dull, and my face remains exactly how it was when I left the house. So please don’t ask me to, like, play hockey or ride bikes or something. This ain’t no reality show.

4. Talk about your ex

“Do you like the restaurant? My ex introduced me to it. About the only good thing they brought into my life! Ha, ha, ha, gulp, gulp, gulp. No, I’m sorry for even mentioning them. This is our time now and I won’t let my insane ex ruin it. Oh, you’re getting the penne vodka? That’s what my ex always got. Maybe you should go for the angel hair.”

5. Cry

Don’t cry or experience any emotion that could potentially alienate someone. You’re supposed to be a cool cucumber on a first date, the best version of yourself. You are a person who doesn’t fart, poop, cry, get angry, or eat lots of food. You are an even-tempered butterfly, not another crazy single person! This is performance art, bitch! TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    I agree with all of these except for sweating.  One of the best first dates I ever had was in a sweat lodge.  Before you ask, no the person was not Native American.

  • Lam

    Love.

  • Mashka

    this made me think of how I hate eating right before I know I’m probably going to be giving someone a BJ. Like “hey let’s go out to breakfast” when I know we’re just going back to your place right after, back to bed and ultimately I’m going to go down on you and try not to puke up my eggs benedict everywhere. 

    • Christina A.

      I didn’t like eggs Benedict before, and I really don’t like them now. haha.

      • Mashka

        haha sorry :( 

  • Vicky Shazam

    THIS IS PERFORMANCE ART, BITCH.

    again, love love love everything you write <3

  • Vicky Shazam

    THIS IS PERFORMANCE ART, BITCH.

    again, love love love everything you write <3

  • http://profiles.google.com/btlcs90 syahmi azri

    i sweat on the first date. The sex was so intense.

  • SisterRay73

    I wasn’t aware the gays played hockey on dates…

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Anything you can do, they can do gay-er.

  • Sophia

    “This is performance art, bitch!”
    …sums up a first date perfectly.

    • http://umcheckplease.wordpress.com umcheckplease

      So true !

  • Kathryn

    I agree with all of these except going to a concert. Perhaps that’s just because of a personal experience. My boyfriend and I saw a concert on our first date. The musician could not carry a note and sang about unicorns. We realized that we had the same sense of humor  because we bonded over hilariously bad the show was. 

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  • http://twitter.com/AbeAxis Abe Lara

    LOL! I loved this, especially the eating habits you have! The emoticons at the end of your order made me wanna kidnap you and keep you as a sex slave in my basement cus you’re so cute!

    ..that wasn’t creepy right?

  • Jenna Stadick

    I agree with all this except the concert. I met my boyfriend at a Flogging Molly concert and since then(2 years ago!) have been wonderful. :)

    The eating thing is scary accurate!

  • http://twitter.com/gayworldproblem Gay World Problems

    So that’s where I’m going wrong, I’m eating actual meals on first dates.

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