1. The grocery store
I loathe nothing more than seeing an obnoxious couple at the grocery store. While I’m there picking up my single survival essentials (pasta, one jar of tomato sauce and maybe a yogurt/gelato), they’re there basically dry humping each other in the frozen food aisle. I don’t get it! When did excessive PDA at a grocery store become a thing? And the conversations they have, oh my god:
Annoying person: Beb, where’s the cheese? Beb, I need cheese!
More annoying person: Beb, no worries! I already got you the cheese!
Annoying person: (GETTING EMOTIONAL) Oh my god, that is so sweet, honey. How did you know to get it? You are too good to me!
More annoying person: You deserve it, my sweet rose.
Ew, stop! And they always have a full basket of yummy food because they’re going to go home and cook dinner for each other and then have sex and be happy whjbrrrrmn! HATES IT. Meanwhile, I’m clutching my cottage cheese like it has a 7 inch dick.
I came here to see music, not your homemade sex tape! Anytime a love song gets played at a concert, I dart my eyes over to a couple and watch them collectively lose their minds. They apparently want to feel like they’re in a movie because instead of slow dancing or going to second base, they just give each other meaningful stares and hold hands. “They’re playing this song for us. You know that, don’t you?” Ugh.
3. Out shopping
Seeing hetero couples go clothes shopping is my idea of hell. Have you ever wanted to see a Katherine Heigl romcom play out in front of your very own eyes? Go to the mall and just watch these couples dawdle in to the stores. The dude takes his cues from popular culture and looks les miserables while the girls “OOH” and “AAHHH” over some jeans. Like, is this real life or a Judd Apatow film? And why do people want to go shopping with their significant others anyway? I can understand wanting to do it if you want to have public sex in the dressing room but that’s it. I’m very vulnerable when I shop for clothes (jeans especially) and I wouldn’t want to invite my boo into that darkness. Plus, shopping is always best by yourself because you can just move at your own pace and no one gets to see the expression on your face when you realize NOTHING fits the way you want it to.
4. On the street
I know this is bad and everything, but I really think there should be some segregation. I want there to be blocks that are designated only for single people—NO COUPLES ALLOWED—because I’m sick of walking to the frozen yogurt place and seeing 10,000 happy people on the way there. I want to take the route that only has solo stars on it. We can just walk past each other on SINGLES ONLY COURT, yogurt in hand, and give each other knowing glances. Who knows, we might even meet someone we can hook up with on the way home!
5. In small social gatherings
Bring your BF/GF to my party but I’m not about to do dinner and a movie with y’all. The third wheel phenomenon is REAL and it sucks. I can think of only one couple I can legit hang with without being sent into a spiral of sadness, and I love them. I’m mystified by it though. Whenever I see them, I’m just like, “How am I not feeling depressed right now?! Praise the *insert whatever here*! If you can be one of those couples that can just chill with one other single person, I commend you because your relationship has magical powers.