Thought Catalog

5 Places I Hate Seeing Couples

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1. The grocery store

I loathe nothing more than seeing an obnoxious couple at the grocery store. While I’m there picking up my single survival essentials (pasta, one jar of tomato sauce and maybe a yogurt/gelato), they’re there basically dry humping each other in the frozen food aisle. I don’t get it! When did excessive PDA at a grocery store become a thing? And the conversations they have, oh my god:

Annoying person: Beb, where’s the cheese? Beb, I need cheese!
More annoying person: Beb, no worries! I already got you the cheese!
Annoying person: (GETTING EMOTIONAL) Oh my god, that is so sweet, honey. How did you know to get it? You are too good to me!
More annoying person: You deserve it, my sweet rose.

Ew, stop! And they always have a full basket of yummy food because they’re going to go home and cook dinner for each other and then have sex and be happy whjbrrrrmn! HATES IT. Meanwhile, I’m clutching my cottage cheese like it has a 7 inch dick.

2. Concerts

I came here to see music, not your homemade sex tape! Anytime a love song gets played at a concert, I dart my eyes over to a couple and watch them collectively lose their minds. They apparently want to feel like they’re in a movie because instead of slow dancing or going to second base, they just give each other meaningful stares and hold hands. “They’re playing this song for us. You know that, don’t you?” Ugh.

3. Out shopping

Seeing hetero couples go clothes shopping is my idea of hell. Have you ever wanted to see a Katherine Heigl romcom play out in front of your very own eyes? Go to the mall and just watch these couples dawdle in to the stores. The dude takes his cues from popular culture and looks les miserables while the girls “OOH” and “AAHHH” over some jeans. Like, is this real life or a Judd Apatow film? And why do people want to go shopping with their significant others anyway? I can understand wanting to do it if you want to have public sex in the dressing room but that’s it. I’m very vulnerable when I shop for clothes (jeans especially) and I wouldn’t want to invite my boo into that darkness. Plus, shopping is always best by yourself because you can just move at your own pace and no one gets to see the expression on your face when you realize NOTHING fits the way you want it to.

4. On the street

I know this is bad and everything, but I really think there should be some segregation. I want there to be blocks that are designated only for single people—NO COUPLES ALLOWED—because I’m sick of walking to the frozen yogurt place and seeing 10,000 happy people on the way there. I want to take the route that only has solo stars on it. We can just walk past each other on SINGLES ONLY COURT, yogurt in hand, and give each other knowing glances. Who knows, we might even meet someone we can hook up with on the way home!

5. In small social gatherings

Bring your BF/GF to my party but I’m not about to do dinner and a movie with y’all. The third wheel phenomenon is REAL and it sucks. I can think of only one couple I can legit hang with without being sent into a spiral of sadness, and I love them. I’m mystified by it though. Whenever I see them, I’m just like, “How am I not feeling depressed right now?! Praise the *insert whatever here*! If you can be one of those couples that can just chill with one other single person, I commend you because your relationship has magical powers. TC mark

image – epSos.de

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    • AHH

      Ever

    • Sammy G

      “Meanwhile, I’m clutching my cottage cheese like it has a 7 inch dick.”

      I lol’d. 7 inches is perfect, though, for real.

    • teets

      “Meanwhile, I’m clutching my cottage cheese like it has a 7 inch dick.”
      Oh, if only…..

    • http://twitter.com/fapfapmofo The Bitchrake

      So, nowhere. Keep being bitter.

    • Autumn

      It’s clear why you are single.  Seriously – Ryan, normally I love what you write, but this is just bad.  

      • A.

        Harsh, much?

        • Autumn

          Hey, honesty is honestly.  I do typically LOVE Ryan’s articles, but this is just not a good one –  whether tongue in cheek or taken literally.  If you are going to write for the internet, you have to be able to take the criticism along with the compliments. 

        • ck

          saying “it’s clear why you are single” and then calling his writing “bad” are not criticisms. your comment was a straight-up personal putdown.

    • http://www.facebook.com/jolene.fernandes Jolene Fernandes

      Get laid man !

      • Asdf

        Is that an offer?

    • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

      Inspired to start a ‘Get Ryan O’Connell laid’ movement. Though I did really connect with the pasta + jar of tomato sauce.

      • Ryan O'Connell

        you needn’t worry about me. i get mine.

    • Lemon

      I thought this was pretty good actually. Made me smile and feel normal about my bitterness towards going to bed alone (for probably ever)

      • Asdf

        Well, given your name, bitterness does seem to be a given.

        • About That...

          A lemon is sour, not  bitter, FYI.

        • Asdf

          You sourpuss.

        • Asdf

          Or how about this one: “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bitter”? Shall we continue this game? I’m having fun! Peanut bitter and jelly time!

      • steph

        SAME

      • http://twitter.com/nuclearcabbage Nive

        Word.

    • http://talkwithstrangers.blogspot.com/ Christina

      So much bitterness.

    • Ralph

      why so bitter? geez, guy.

    • mashka

      Honestly we can all say “oh this article is so bitter” and yes it is, yet I’m pretty sure he is owning that. That’s part of the whole point of the article and let’s be real people we have all been able to relate to some part of this in one way or another- he’s just admitting it openly.

    • saritapatrice

      Omg, I was at a Bright Eyes concert recently, and the HS kids next to me were completely annoying me with their ridiculousness! He hugged her the entire time, and she’d turn around every ten minutes, and just stare into his eyes. It was laughable.

      • A.

        Were they even alive when his first album was released?!

    • Acidtown

      You’re so bitter about it lately and you’re being honest about it. I like. Reminds me how I dread pretending to be okay with being single again.

    • Gazeclear

      the worst is at IKEA, enough said

    • SnarkyAtLaw

      Dude, any time you start to feel bitter, just think about all those attached people who really, really wish they were going to the club *without* their S.O. on Saturday night, instead of having an early dinner and settling down for a movie at home and going to bed at 10:30 because “we have a really busy day tomorrow with so-an-so’s housewarming and I really need you to go to Home Depot and fix the sink before we go.”

      That. 

      • CausticWit

        There’s no happy medium in your world, huh?

    • I like bitter

      I love this! I believe some couples I’ve seen are simply showing off, for whatever reason – I can imagine them together at home, being totally indifferent to each other when nobody’s watching.

      • macgyver51

        Nope, thats just your own bitterness.

        • I like bitter

          I’ll take some Campari with it.

        • macgyver51

          Sounds like you could use a hug instead.

        • SusanDerkins

          Totally read the last 3 comments in Mitch Hedberg voice. Thanks ya’ll. 

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      “Meanwhile, I’m clutching my cottage cheese like it has a 7 inch dick.” — You are a goldmine, darling.

      On the street is painful in that “wish I were you” sort of way, but couples in the grocery store is infinitely more painful. Especially when I see them buying gross dorm food (ramen and PB&J!) while I’m buying some snooty bullshit… which is irrelevant, since I’ll be eating it at home, by myself, in sweatpants.

      Ugh.

      • Camden

        While you’re sadly eating your $25lb lobster tail from Whole Foods, there is a couple out there that is happily feastin’ on crackers and cheese. All I’m trying to say is…get off your high horse if you ever want to be in a relationship. Your horrible grammar may be the reason why you’re still single, but I highly doubt it. It’s probably because you just suck at life. 

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          Whoa, babe. First off, let’s get one thing straight: the only things I’m buying from Whole Foods is craft beer & overpriced natural peanut butter. So don’t get all “blah blah lobster tail” on me.

          Second, can you not see the humor in this? I mean, Ryan’s original post is a joke and clearly so is my reply–which is still me making fun of myself. 

          And, by the way, a grammar attack? If you’re going to make a fumbling attempt to look cool online, at least have the sense not to take the path of least resistance used by every other comment troll on the planet. Thanks for playin’, beb!

        • SusanDerkins

          GTFO 

    • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com/ natasia

      I love this post! But it would also just say “everywhere is where I don’t want to see couples”

    • Myjohnsonis12incheslong

      I’d rather see a couple in matching sweaters make out in IKEA to “the promise” by when in rome than hang out with someone who says “y’all” – 

      • Caitlin

        I’d rather hang out with someone who says “y’all” than someone who “advertises” the length of their johnson in their username.

    • Joy Jalapolis

      Kudos to the couples who don’t make you feel like crap being single.  They really do have magical powers!

    • I like bitter

      Are Americans allergic to sarcasm or is it just most of the readers of Thought Catalog? Maybe it’s Prozac – you know what it does to your ability to catch double meanings, innuendo and irony.
      Here the writer is obviously ridiculing not only couples, but also of himself being bitter, and even his own sarcasm. There’s more than just one level in this text. 

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        It’s all Americans.  Every single one of us.  We just don’t get nuance like you guys!  

    • Bert

      The only couple I could possibly hang around are my own parents. And even they make me sick from time to time.

    • kat

      Oh no, I(we) do all of these.

    • Ali

      #4. Totally #4.  I would definitely be looking for people on those streets in hopes we’d end up on the couples streets together.

    • Slade_kyles

      seriously this is so fucking hilarious.

      i am going to print this off and put it on my fridge so that all my coupled friends can see how disgusting they are.

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