1. Um, you have stuff to do?
I’ve heard that a lot of writers like to write when they’re wasted. Ernest Hemmingway was sipping on that absinthe like it was a Capri Sun in Barcelona and F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote an entire book about being drunk presumably while he was inebriated. That’s not my style though. I can’t do anything when I’m drunk besides eat, attempt to sleep with someone, talk loudly, and try to dance. What’s up with people trying to do anything else? Don’t get drunk if you have to, like, go to Kinko’s and fax something. My least favorite to do when I’m drunk is try to act sober and do real life stuff. Sorry, real life exited the building three drinks ago. We’re now in fantasy drunk land, which means no responsibilities, no faxing, no writing, no nothing. Don’t get drunk when you’re under a deadline because all you will do is think of that one thing and feel guilty. Later on, you might even try do that thing when you’re hammered, which is never advisable.
2. Um, you have stuff to do tomorrow
People often forget that getting wasted can be a two day contract. If you had plans to do something sporty the next day or even just get coffee with a crush or an ex, you might want to rethink that fifth shot. I mean, do we need to talk about the whole “having stomach problems” thing? Let’s be honest, having a hangover brunch can be amazing but it must be met with caution. Talk to your stomach beforehand and really try to gauge where it’s at emotionally, spiritually, and physically before you make any decisions. If you’re really hungover, you might spend the day with the runs, in which case you would have to cancel any plans that involve physical activity and/ or limited access to bathrooms. And forget about hanging out with someone you want to sleep with or already have slept with. You’re closed for business.
3. You’re with a terrible group of people
I’ve abstained from drinking even when I’ve really wanted to just because I wasn’t with a good group of people. I had known that they were terrible drunks or there was going to be some drama so I chose to remain sober and of sound mind. That’s real, okay? If you’re not having fun with someone sober, chances are you’re going to really not like them when you’re drunk. Of course, there are exceptions (some people I can only tolerate when I’m drunk) but the general rule is to resist temptation.
4. You have no money
Drinking is $$$$, especially in metropolitan cities. For some reason though, the booziest are usually the most broke. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent getting drunk in bars with my unemployed friends and have watched them burn through sixty dollars on alcohol as they complain about their finances. Drinking is the one thing, I guess, that is seen as a necessary expense. “I’m sad because I’m broke so I’m going to spend all of my money on booze, and be drunk and even broker!” I get it, babe, but like I DON’T GET IT. Go home and drink Charles Shaw.
5. You’re in a #dark place
Let’s imagine that you’re having a terrible day, shall we? Nothing’s going right, you think everyone is psycho, and you just want to delete the entire day. Your first instinct is to have a drink. “I need a cocktail after the day that I’ve had,” you’ll tell your friend at some bar. “I can’t deal.” One glass of wine is chic, love that for you, but any more after that and you’ll be cannonballing into a pool of your own grief. I’ve gotten drunk when I’ve been sad approximately three times, and all of them ended with me having lots of illogical sad feelings and drunk dialing people I shouldn’t have. There also might’ve been some baked ziti involved.