10 Signs That Your Boyfriend Is Seriously Gay

  1. He tells you that he likes sleeping with men.
  2. He tells you that he likes sleeping with women.
  3. He dresses really cute and spends a lot of time getting ready in the bathroom. Straight men are not allowed to care about their physical appearance, okay? If they did, that would mean every single romantic comedy you’ve ever seen has been wrong, which is not possible. Mel Gibson, Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts, Matthew McConaughey—these are the people who would not lie to you. They are board certified truth tellers.
  4. He’s not turned off by Sex and the City. In fact, he’s the one who suggests watching it. You test him every night by asking, “Honey, what would you like to watch before bed?” You see his eyes inevitably dart to the hot pink Sex and the City box set and your body starts to tremble. “I wonder what Samantha and the gang are up to tonight. Should we find out?” he asks you. At this point, you’re almost having convulsions because you realize that he completely ignored the strategically placed copy of Fast and Furious. A straight man rejecting a movie about Vin Diesel using a stick shift? Oh Lord, I think you really do have yourself a Mary.
  5. He has feelings. When you’re upset about something, he actually has the audacity to ask if you’re okay. Between sobs, you want to tell him that it’s not his job to care. He’s required to be incredulous about your emotions 24/7. There’s supposed to be comic misunderstandings, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, etc. If he’s warm and perceptive, he must be S’ing some D on the side.
  6. His taste in sex is freakish to say the least. God, you don’t even want to say it. Okay, here it goes. He does this thing where he cares about making you come. Oh God, it’s so shameful!  It’s been held inside for so long. You’re aware that performing oral sex on your vagina may make it seem like he’s actually straight but you know it’s the opposite. He’s too tender, makes too much noise, and you don’t feel objectified enough. It honestly feels like you’re having gay sex instead of heterosexual intercourse.
  7. He prefers the comedic stylings of Tina Fey over Dane Cook. He loved Bridesmaids, which was devastating news that left you storming out of the theater.
  8. He’s not cheating on you, despite your best efforts to give him a wandering eye. You’ve dangled your hot single friend Carla in front of him and even offered to participate in a threesome but he just gave you a confused look and changed the subject. You’ve hired private detectives to see if he’s doing anything awful behind your back but alas, the only scandalous thing they found was an overdue video at Blockbuster.
  9. He reminds you of Bethenny Frankel’s husband, Jason Hoppy. Enough said.
  10. A quiz in Cosmo called “Is Your Boyfriend GAY?!!” told you that he was gay because he owned a lot of shoes and never made you feel bad about yourself. TC mark
image – Benson Kua

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

    Feeling seriously concerned now that Jason Hoppy is my idea of a dream man. 

    • Ryan O'Connell

      dude mine too and he’s def not gay. this article is a 100% joke

      • Truth

        “Def not”?!?! Really?! He (and his beard) can deny it all they want to, but he’s as gay as the summer day is long.

        But hey, if this keeps you from getting sued, we’ll keep his secret safe ;)

  • Carms

    LOL, you are so funny, Ryan!!!! I love all your post. You always crack me up.

  • Anonymous

    Oh god, I love this. The last line sealed it for me.

  • http://twitter.com/scottneyspears Scott

    passive aggressive, much?

  • sarah

    i’d be more concerned if my boyfriend liked vin diesel. sex and the city is just soft core porn half the time.

  • Nope

    nope, nope, nope, nope, nope

  • feministbitch

    Thanks for encouraging the fucked up gender norms of society! People fail to realize that THIS TOO is sexist. Men do not have to be grunting, misdressed, emotionally extortive idiots that only care about sex any more than women have to be virginal, quiet, weak, thin, beautiful, and subservient! DUH!

    • friendlyneighbor

      oh my god… he’s being sarcastic…

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

         Is he really?

      • Ficklecattle

        Yes.

      • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

        Yeah, but it’s not funny. 

      • guest

        it’s not about whether it is satire, funny, or ironic. Ironic sexism is still sexism.

    • Aa

      Damn @ 8 people liking this comment.

    • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

      And people say feminists have no sense of humor…

    • Lee

      This was clearly sarcasm. It’s hard to believe people actually think the contrary…

  • Anonymous

    people should have to take a test to read these articles. 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

     Penis please.

  • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

    This is stupid. Enough with these kinds of articles.

  • Anonymous

    according to this I’m GAY. AS. FUCK.

  • brononymous

    Troll article. Lame. Bring back the good writing

  • Nico

    Between the constant emasculation of men and alternatively, the requirement of adherence to rigid (stupid. literally, stupid) standards/ideals of masculinity (any deviance punishable by questioning a man’s sexuality)… it’s a wonder there are any semi-decent, normal specimens left.

  • Jess

    jason hoppy! made me LOL.

  • Luke

    i’m just wondering what hot girl has ever been named carla…

  • Andrew

    This is so contradictory to your previous article, ‘Why Gay Men Stay in the Closet.’ I’m actually so confused right now…

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

    4/10

  • Mirus

    Only read the title. All I see is “Ten Signs You Are Reading An Article By Ryan O’Connell”

  • Mirus

    Only read the title. All I see is “Ten Signs You Are Reading An Article By Ryan O’Connell”

  • Mike

    I’ve been called gay because of things like this. One guy today asked me if I was, and when I told him I was straight, he went on a rant about people that are gay and how homophobic he is.  God damn.  How can you make a guy like that see that not every touch of a person is sexual?

  • ktz101

    wow, what garbage.

    i want to see less of this and more of the great posts that i love to read– and expect to read–thoughtcatalog.com

  • Maxwell Smart

     LOL excellent satire beb! but for realz, if that is a gay boyfriend I want a gay boyfriend.

  • Kaytee

    I thought this was great. Ryan, you always has the best blog entries!

  • http://twitter.com/Tiggeruth Ruthy

    I want a gay boyfriend.

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    Ahahaha, this is amazing. I’m so seriously gay that I didn’t even notice! 

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