- He tells you that he likes sleeping with men.
- He tells you that he likes sleeping with women.
- He dresses really cute and spends a lot of time getting ready in the bathroom. Straight men are not allowed to care about their physical appearance, okay? If they did, that would mean every single romantic comedy you’ve ever seen has been wrong, which is not possible. Mel Gibson, Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts, Matthew McConaughey—these are the people who would not lie to you. They are board certified truth tellers.
- He’s not turned off by Sex and the City. In fact, he’s the one who suggests watching it. You test him every night by asking, “Honey, what would you like to watch before bed?” You see his eyes inevitably dart to the hot pink Sex and the City box set and your body starts to tremble. “I wonder what Samantha and the gang are up to tonight. Should we find out?” he asks you. At this point, you’re almost having convulsions because you realize that he completely ignored the strategically placed copy of Fast and Furious. A straight man rejecting a movie about Vin Diesel using a stick shift? Oh Lord, I think you really do have yourself a Mary.
- He has feelings. When you’re upset about something, he actually has the audacity to ask if you’re okay. Between sobs, you want to tell him that it’s not his job to care. He’s required to be incredulous about your emotions 24/7. There’s supposed to be comic misunderstandings, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, etc. If he’s warm and perceptive, he must be S’ing some D on the side.
- His taste in sex is freakish to say the least. God, you don’t even want to say it. Okay, here it goes. He does this thing where he cares about making you come. Oh God, it’s so shameful! It’s been held inside for so long. You’re aware that performing oral sex on your vagina may make it seem like he’s actually straight but you know it’s the opposite. He’s too tender, makes too much noise, and you don’t feel objectified enough. It honestly feels like you’re having gay sex instead of heterosexual intercourse.
- He prefers the comedic stylings of Tina Fey over Dane Cook. He loved Bridesmaids, which was devastating news that left you storming out of the theater.
- He’s not cheating on you, despite your best efforts to give him a wandering eye. You’ve dangled your hot single friend Carla in front of him and even offered to participate in a threesome but he just gave you a confused look and changed the subject. You’ve hired private detectives to see if he’s doing anything awful behind your back but alas, the only scandalous thing they found was an overdue video at Blockbuster.
- He reminds you of Bethenny Frankel’s husband, Jason Hoppy. Enough said.
- A quiz in Cosmo called “Is Your Boyfriend GAY?!!” told you that he was gay because he owned a lot of shoes and never made you feel bad about yourself.
Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.
“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino
Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.