11 Amazing Magical Powers For Twenty-Somethings

1. The ability to care about someone other than ourselves

What a piece of magic this would be! What if we all were granted the ability to be less self-obsessed and depressed? Miracle of miracles! What/who we would care about though? Gosh, empathy is so confusing….

2. The ability to delete our Facebook and never look back

This would require some straight up voodoo. We’d have to meet some lady with a glass eye in an alleyway and she’d have to take a locket of our hair and smear it all over our Facebook homepage on our Macbook Pro. She would chant something in Latin and we’d just be like, “K. Can I go now? I have to check my….oh wait. Nothing. I have to check nothing. Huzzah!”

3. The ability to say what we actually mean

There’d have to be a ceremony in which we sacrifice that one friend from high school who is a total bugaboo. And by sacrifice, I mean, “Dress them in a cape and sprinkle Vitamin B on their forehead.” Afterwards, they would ask you if you’d like to get lunch and you’d be like, “No, honey. I’m cured! No more insufferable coffee dates and lunches with people I don’t care about!” I’m sobbing.

4. The ability to have that hot person in the coffee shop write a Missed Connection about you

We need a Love Potion No. 9 for twenty-somethings. We see too many cute people every day to continue to be single. This magic power would allow you to be really big on Missed Connections. Every hot person you come in fleeting contact with will feel compelled to write you an amazing love letter, and soon you’ll have your pick of the litter!

5. The ability to be born with a trust fund

If the economy sucks and everyone is poor, how do I continue to meet so many rich people? I wanna have a trust fund too! This magic power would make you an heir/heiress to the Bagel Bites fortune and you could live the rest of your life cultivating a personality and pretending you DON’T have a trust fund. Yay!

6. The ability to get someone to text you back

Oh, you’re not going to text me back? We’ll see about that, sister! Using the power of magic, I will get your fingers to involuntarily move and type exactly what I want you to: “I like you. You’re so cool. Last night was amazing!” You’ll be powerless under my spell and required to meet up with me again.

7. The ability to land your dream job

Just graduated with a degree in art therapy and have no work experience? No worries! You’re hired! Here’s your corner office, intern and petty cash! You’ll love our office Christmas party!

8. The ability to make your ex feel inadequate at all times

On the internet, your ex’s homepage will be http://www.imhappierthanyouare.com, a website that just has a picture of you smiling and holding a first place medal. On Facebook and Twitter, they’ll be immediately directed to your pages, which will show you being happy, successful, and making out with a model on top of a unicorn.

9. The ability to never get hangovers

Wait, this could be dangerous. If we never got hangovers, wouldn’t that just mean we’d be wasted 24/7? That’s no good! We’d get so fat (baked ziti at 2am) and broke (cabs and cocktails).

10. The ability to change the channel when you’re having a boring conversation

I hate being trapped in dull conversations. You know, like the ones you have with peripheral friends at a bar that are just about the weather and your job. This magic power would come in the form of a remote that you could use whenever you wanted to stop talking to someone. You’d just be like, “Hon, this conversation about your seasonal allergies is riveting but I’m going to have to change the channel, m’kay?” This person would have no recollection of being dissed and dismissed and you’d be spared their tedious stories.

11. The ability to have a perfect internet connection at all times

Nothing pains me more than when my computer is broken and/or my internet is being slow. When I’m watching a TV show online and all of a sudden it stops and says “BUFFERING”, I become incensed with rage. With this magical power, I would always have a perfect internet connection, stuff would never buffer and everywhere I go, there would be amazing Wifi and plugs. *drools* TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    ffs

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=12452337 Emily F. Clouse

    i think i’d like the have the power to pop a zit and instantly all traces would completely disappear… still want to be able to pop them, though

  • http://miriammogilevsky.wordpress.com Miriam Mogilevsky

    Hello, just your friendly local Depressive here to dispel a common misconception!

    Re: “The ability to care about someone other than ourselves.” Contrary to popular opinion, being depressed doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people. It means you have a mental illness.

    Literally, that’s ALL it means.

  • oops

    is it bad that i when i read ” The ability to have a perfect internet connection at all times”i thought it was going to be about having perfect connections with people you meet on the internet? 

  • oops

    is it bad that i when i read ” The ability to have a perfect internet connection at all times”i thought it was going to be about having perfect connections with people you meet on the internet? 

  • Anonymous

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  • http://www.facebook.com/indiangiver Amanda Mae Viers

    waste of time. can’t believe rcbaby wrote this.

  • Sess

    I’m a 20-something who deleted (not just deactivated!) facebook and I’ve never looked back. Seriously, I recommend it…much less time wasted. Of course now I’m just wasting time on this site, fertheloveofgod.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Egocentrism/personal fable is more for children and adolescents (eh, I retained that from the two psychology courses I took).  I expect the majority of people in their 20s outgrew that phase, even if there is a focus on “me” (where am I heading, who will I spend my life with, is this how I imagined my life after college).  My advice is if you’re if you’re old enough to drink, but not old to empathize, do some soul-searching and grow up.  A quick read on Copernicus will reveal that you’re not the center of the universe. 

    • Anna

      Amen, brother.  I like you.  I like you alot.  

    • Cathy

      I think this would be the second time I mention that I really like your comments around here. I agree with some of what you just said but I also do believe the author is indeed, old enough to empathize, hence why he writes articles the audience finds relatable. Selfcentred yeah, but speaking on behalf of a lot of us.

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Yeah, it was a general “you,” not directed at Ryan.  I should have gone back to my high school notes and remembered to use “one” or “he.” 

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    This
    is
    perfection. 

  • Your Friend

    4. is my dream every day.

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    #4 is going to happen one day. 

  • spinflux

    These will happen for 20-somethings some day. All you have to do is become 30-something.

  • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

    here for dark willow…..

  • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

    here for dark willow…..

  • dip

    how the fuck do you get paid for this hahaha

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  • http://kalliope.simbel.lv Signe

    Right now in my life, 8. is a “yes, ffs please”!

  • guest

    please please please STOP with the phrase ‘twenty-somethings’ it makes me cringe

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