1. The ability to care about someone other than ourselves
What a piece of magic this would be! What if we all were granted the ability to be less self-obsessed and depressed? Miracle of miracles! What/who we would care about though? Gosh, empathy is so confusing….
2. The ability to delete our Facebook and never look back
This would require some straight up voodoo. We’d have to meet some lady with a glass eye in an alleyway and she’d have to take a locket of our hair and smear it all over our Facebook homepage on our Macbook Pro. She would chant something in Latin and we’d just be like, “K. Can I go now? I have to check my….oh wait. Nothing. I have to check nothing. Huzzah!”
3. The ability to say what we actually mean
There’d have to be a ceremony in which we sacrifice that one friend from high school who is a total bugaboo. And by sacrifice, I mean, “Dress them in a cape and sprinkle Vitamin B on their forehead.” Afterwards, they would ask you if you’d like to get lunch and you’d be like, “No, honey. I’m cured! No more insufferable coffee dates and lunches with people I don’t care about!” I’m sobbing.
4. The ability to have that hot person in the coffee shop write a Missed Connection about you
We need a Love Potion No. 9 for twenty-somethings. We see too many cute people every day to continue to be single. This magic power would allow you to be really big on Missed Connections. Every hot person you come in fleeting contact with will feel compelled to write you an amazing love letter, and soon you’ll have your pick of the litter!
5. The ability to be born with a trust fund
If the economy sucks and everyone is poor, how do I continue to meet so many rich people? I wanna have a trust fund too! This magic power would make you an heir/heiress to the Bagel Bites fortune and you could live the rest of your life cultivating a personality and pretending you DON’T have a trust fund. Yay!
6. The ability to get someone to text you back
Oh, you’re not going to text me back? We’ll see about that, sister! Using the power of magic, I will get your fingers to involuntarily move and type exactly what I want you to: “I like you. You’re so cool. Last night was amazing!” You’ll be powerless under my spell and required to meet up with me again.
7. The ability to land your dream job
Just graduated with a degree in art therapy and have no work experience? No worries! You’re hired! Here’s your corner office, intern and petty cash! You’ll love our office Christmas party!
8. The ability to make your ex feel inadequate at all times
On the internet, your ex’s homepage will be http://www.imhappierthanyouare.com, a website that just has a picture of you smiling and holding a first place medal. On Facebook and Twitter, they’ll be immediately directed to your pages, which will show you being happy, successful, and making out with a model on top of a unicorn.
9. The ability to never get hangovers
Wait, this could be dangerous. If we never got hangovers, wouldn’t that just mean we’d be wasted 24/7? That’s no good! We’d get so fat (baked ziti at 2am) and broke (cabs and cocktails).
10. The ability to change the channel when you’re having a boring conversation
I hate being trapped in dull conversations. You know, like the ones you have with peripheral friends at a bar that are just about the weather and your job. This magic power would come in the form of a remote that you could use whenever you wanted to stop talking to someone. You’d just be like, “Hon, this conversation about your seasonal allergies is riveting but I’m going to have to change the channel, m’kay?” This person would have no recollection of being dissed and dismissed and you’d be spared their tedious stories.
11. The ability to have a perfect internet connection at all times
Nothing pains me more than when my computer is broken and/or my internet is being slow. When I’m watching a TV show online and all of a sudden it stops and says “BUFFERING”, I become incensed with rage. With this magical power, I would always have a perfect internet connection, stuff would never buffer and everywhere I go, there would be amazing Wifi and plugs. *drools*