I’m shocked that people want to have sex with me. They see me and my body and are like, “Oh, I want some of that. I need to see that body naked!” This isn’t an issue of self-esteem. On the contrary, I think I’m cute and intellectually I can understand why someone would want to get down with me. I think I would actually have sex with me too. But emotionally, I’m always taken aback when someone talks about my sexiness or my body in a positive light. I’m always like, “Really? You’re having this response to my body? Do you even know about the things it does sometimes?!”
I feel like other people struggle with this too—the idea that someone can sexualize you in the same way you sexualize them. It’s just strange to think that people can get an erection from just little ol’ me. I mean, really? That’s just something I’ll never understand. It’s impossible for me to be in someone else’s shoes, someone who desires me and wants to see me naked and do crazy things to my body. I know this is ridiculous though. I know that I shouldn’t be surprised when someone wants to get busy. After all, everyone has sex. I’ve slept with some guys who might’ve been lacking in the looks department but I found myself super attracted to them anyway. People are sexy. People are boneworthy. This is what makes the world go around—people having sex with each other—so what’s the big whoop?
I guess it’s because I’m with my body every single day. I’ve been with it through hard times and good times. I’ve seen the weird things it can do. I’ve been repulsed by it, disappointed and scared of it. That being said, I’ve also seen it look really good and have thought to myself, “Okay, fine. I would take you home after 1.5 drinks. I get it.” But something still doesn’t translate. When you’re getting intimate with someone and they’re saying those types of things you only say when you’re getting laid, I get a little uncomfortable. “You’re so hot. You’re so sexy. I’m responding positively to the things you are doing right now!” It all leaves me a little stunned. I just want to say cool, thank you and I’m glad you feel that way.
I don’t think we’re ever meant to see ourselves exactly as others see us. It would remove any element of surprise and make the moments when someone does tells us that we’re so damn hot less special. Ugh, this makes me look like I have body dysmorphia or something. I don’t. When I look in the mirror, I love what I see. I think I see a cute boy staring back at me! Yay! I just don’t wanna go down on my own reflection. But I’m glad other people do! So. Damn. Glad.