Thought Catalog

Am I A Crazy Person?

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Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually crazy, if my 24-year-old neuroses extend beyond the typical and veer into Girl, Interrupted territory. Admittedly, these moments don’t happen too often. As a whole, I feel very well-adjusted, happy and have a high quality of life, but sometimes things will happen that will have me questioning my sanity.

I’m sure we all have these moments when we creep ourselves out with our thoughts and behavior. We have to talk to ourselves and be like, “Okay, you’re being a crazy person. Just stop.” and then we usually do. We curb those weird feelings that freak us out and go about our day as a happy functioning person of society. But I think in this day and age especially when we feel ruled by social norms, “going crazy” has been exoticised. Not abiding by the implicit rules feels extremely liberating.

A few weeks ago, I was having one of those Monica “Just one of them days” moments where I felt like I was going to cry if someone just looked at me cross-eyed. I mean, I wouldn’t actually cry because ever since I went through puberty, my tear ducts became frozen and will only start to thaw when something really traumatic happens, but I still felt like it maybe could happen at any moment. Crying. In public. Being crazy. I could see it happening. Someone would bump into me on the street and it would unleash the floodgates. They would ask me what’s wrong and I would tell them in between sobs, “I’m just bein’ Miley” and run away.

My fragile psyche came to a head that day when I was in line at Walgreens to get my prescription for my psoriasis medication (Yeah, I have that now. Me and Kim Kardashian. Chic.) When it came to be my turn, the pharmacy lady told me that my medication actually hadn’t been filled and needed authorization. I told her that I already called my dermatologist and ************************ (real life boring information). She didn’t care. She was not budging. Bye.

Basically my sanity was hanging by a thread  at this point and I actually thought I was going to start sobbing right then and there. I wanted to scream at her and be like, “YOU ARE ACTUALLY RUINING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. I WANT TO CTRL ALT DELETE YOU!” But I didn’t. Oh my god, I would never! That would make me…crazy.

Incidentally, scenarios like the one listed above make up the bulk of my “Ryan going crazy” fantasies—me screaming at strangers in Walgreens, or at restaurants, or on the street. It’s me being that person who’s making everyone else around them uncomfortable by acting insane. And I’ve realized that if that’s my crazy fantasy, if that’s what makes me fear Bellevue, then maybe I’m the most normal person on earth. Because I think everyone secretly would like to lose their shit at a stranger and afterwards be like, “I’m sorry but thank you! I feel so much better now!” Or not. Maybe I’m misjudging the entire situation and I’m actually cray cray.

It’s just funny to me how everyone worries so much about their sanity. They worry that their actions might be perceived as weird (no wants to be the crazy friend) so they walk on eggshells. They say the right things, they make sure to not come off as strange. This hyper attention to being “normal” is probably what fuels our desire to go a little nuts. It’s what makes us want to message our ex’s new BF/GF and say, “I lurk you every day. There. I admit it. I don’t care!” or scream at the person in front of us for walking too slow. As of yet, I haven’t actually succumbed to my crazy fantasies but I’ve got time. One day I’m going to do something really weird in public and it will probably feel like the most normal thing I’ve done in a long time. TC mark

image – Girl Interrupted
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  • newbornrodeo

    if you’re crazy, you don’t know it. if you think you’re crazy, you’re not. Catch 22.

    • been there

      Not necessarily true. For the most part the latter is very, very true. However, you can be crazy and diagnosed, thus making you aware of your craziness.

      • Customconcern

        I’ve seen diagnoses do weird things to people. (mostly clinical depression).

  • Diana

    Ryan, we need to be best friends.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    Stopped reading after first sentence. Anyone who uses the phrase “extend beyond the typical and veer into Girl, Interrupted territory” shouldn’t be read.

    • DG

      youre rude. it was actually pretty funny. stop bein a hataaaa

    • Guest

      why?

  • Jrein93

    “They would ask me what’s wrong and I would tell them in between sobs, “I’m just bein’ Miley” and run away.”

    Lol lol lol

  • Robert L.

    I’m the crazy friend and everyone loves me. Problem?

    • http://umcheckplease.wordpress.com umcheckplease

      same!

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    one of my biggest pet peeves is when people, usually girls, post pictures of themselves on facebook, like, doing the duckface or wearing a party hat at a party, and people comment and are like “girl you’re SO CRAZY omg”

    how is that crazy. HOW. IS THAT CRAZY.

    • chuckles

      ahahahah in LOVE with this comment.

    • Thegirlwhofellasleep

      the people on the internet are inside my head at the moment.

    • Guesty

      OMG YOU’RE WEARING A FUNNY HAT

      SMH YOU’RE SO CRAZY! LMAO!  BUT THAT’S WHY I LOVE YOU!!!! :-)

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    #whitegirlproblems

  • brn

    ” They would ask me what’s wrong and I would tell them in between sobs, “I’m just bein’ Miley” and run away.” LOLLL

  • http://umcheckplease.wordpress.com check please

    LOVE THIS! Seriously I am the biggest hypochondriac in the universe… I can convince myself that a pimple is cancer and start planning out my last will and testament between sob sessions. We’re all a little crazy but its better than being boring.

  • Chels

    “Crying. In public. Being crazy. ”
    I really don’t think shedding a few tears in public makes you crazy, it makes you dramatic and unable to control your emotions at that point in time. If you were a legit crazy person, I don’t think you would even recognize it. 

  • http://twitter.com/SisterSoda Eva

    if you were a girl this whole article would be about PMSing which I’m really happy it is not because that thing is the most overrated thing ever.
     
    still, I can’t help feeling that what you write about IS unnecessarily hyperbolic. for one, these exaggerated notions of what is perceived “crazy” and “normal” are so oudated. we don’t live in a Jane Austen novel with such strict manners people are going to gasp if you do or say something this or that way. also, why try to place each and every one of your emotional responses on some normalcy scale? does labeling them help to cope? but we know that that is only superficial and what is the point in thinking about emotions superficially? it’s just piling up a big ass #whitegirlproblems hashtag, to be honest,
     
    seriously though, it seems to me that the frames of mind you are describing could be handled with a proper choice of songs on your iPod.
     
    oh and btw, I love you, Ryan.

  • http://twitter.com/astoldbyparas Paras

    “I WANT TO CTRL ALT DELETE YOU!”

    haha now, if only, that and the backspace button existed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/meliza.anne Meliza Mitra

    Ryan, you should make your own blog. You’re the only reason I read TC because your articles are consistently entertaining. Everyone else is so… hit or miss.

    • dan

      definitely.

    • Guest

      agreed. I just go looking for ryan’s articles all the time…and maybe Kat  from time to time. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/krazykenzieXD Mackenzie Rose Walsh

    Two words: “Cray cray.” I love you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=514965701 Gonzalo Mauricio Garcia Villeg

    are you sure you didn´t want to COMMAND OPTION ESC the pharmacist  instead?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=514965701 Gonzalo Mauricio Garcia Villeg

    are you sure you didn´t want to COMMAND OPTION ESC the pharmacist  instead?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    Yeah, for some reason my brain is wired to my mouth, and while I’m gathering a thought and preparing what I’m going to say, my lips will start moving as if I’m practicing, or something. And my friend will be like, “Sorry, were you saying something?” And look at me like I’m the crazy guy who talks to himself. And I wanna be like, “NO! I’m just gathering my thoughts so shut up!” 

  • http://www.facebook.com/marion010 Marion Albion

    to me crazyness can also be positive. i sometimes even appreciate people more if the y show such craziness, than if they are so boring normal.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=11708842 Vicky Hibbard

       it can be quite refreshing to have such moments (every ONCE in a while), but it does come with some serious judgment. with social liberation, comes the backlash. be prepared.

  • http://www.facebook.com/fartricia Patricia Novanti

    Why am I reading all these comments?

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      because you’re ~crazy~

    • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

      Don’t worry. I have been known to go through pages upon pages of comments on things… I need to stop admitting these things. I really don’t want to be the crazy friend!

  • Ayo

    Ryan, get out of my head!! I have this fantasy (if you can call it that) that I lose my shit in Sainsburys when custard doughnuts are mislabelled apple. Also constantly hiding the crazy evn though I have a constant internal monologue. Love you

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    You have plenty of time to get a public flip-out in before winter comes, Ryan. Part of me is kind of hoping you do. I have a normal(ly creepy) level of TC-reader curiosity about the outcome. 

  • Guest

    emotionally unstable (i.e. weeping and shouting in public) =/= losing grip of one’s sanity (i.e. pushing all the furniture in your flat against the doors and windows, because the neighbours cat has been watching you, and oh boy, he wants you dead.)

  • Amonghumanity

    I’ve been under extreme stress this whole week, and I totally cried in public today. I didn’t even care. Phew.

  • Bruce

    “I felt like I was going to cry if someone just looked at me cross-eyed”. I literally laughed out loud at this, don’t know why haha

  • snooper

    Ok, I don’t consider your idea of crazy, crazy at all!!! I mean, I try to contain those urges as well… but losing your temper like that isn’t CRAZY. I like to think of it as a sign of stress or exhaustion, or being burnt out. I feel crazy when I snoop. Ugh I’m a snooper… and I can’t help it. I’m just so intrigued by people’s private lives and given the opportunity, I have a hard time resisting the urge to snoop (emails, drawer next to the bed…). Ugh what is wrong with me?! Why can’t I respect people’s privacy?!?!? I know it’s weird but sometimes I just can’t reign myself in……

    So should I be diagnosed???

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