What My Version Of Hell Would Be Like

In my version of hell, I’m always going to the dentist. I’m feeling their rubber gloves against my slimy teeth, listening to Amy Grant on the office speakers, and getting sprayed with cotton candy flavored cleaner. And they’re drilling. By golly, are they ever drilling. The dentist lady is asking me about my job and I’m trying to respond but, hello, she’s drilling and I can’t talk.

In my version of hell, I am always starving and about to take a bite out of a giant hamburger. I never do though. I just hang there frozen with my mouth half open looking at what will never be mine.

In my version of hell, I’m always staring at my cell phone waiting for someone to text me back. “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s is also playing in the background on a constant loop.

In my version of hell, I am forced to be Lindsay Lohan’s Gay Best Friend. She texts me constantly, is always drunk and running after me in the streets screaming, ‘COME BACK OR I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!”

In my version of hell, I am always being rejected from a bouncer at a hip club. He’s saying to me, “We’re full” as he lets someone cuter in.

In my version of hell, I am always nursing a medium-grade hangover. I feel okay enough to function but I have a perpetual headache and am exhausted.

In my version of hell, I have to watch Freddy Gets Fingered every day all day.

In my version of hell, I am constantly losing my internet connection and clicking REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH.

In my version of hell, I am always eating vegan food.

In my version of hell, a cute boy is always telling me, “I really like you, but…” BUT WHAT? BUT WHAT, DAMMIT?

In my version of hell, I am the first to arrive at a bar and nervously texting my friends in the corner.

In my version of hell, I am Mischa Barton.

In my version of hell, I am always running in to that friend from high school on the street and being forced to make small talk.

Oh my god, I really hope I don’t go to hell. TC mark

image – Fir002

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • http://saltwatercoffee.wordpress.com/ Sara K

    I’m eating vegan food in my version of hell too…or even worse actually: RAW vegan food

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    Oh man, I love going to the dentist. My version of hell would be nothing for all eternity. No torture or pain, just nothing forever.

  • Nicole

    In my version of hell, I’m constantly refreshing Facebook, hoping desperately for something to stimulate me and get my neurons firing again.  Oh wait…I am doing that right now.

  • Guest

    This could work for me, but in my hell we have to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    In my version of hell the Nickelback song Photograph is on a constant loop.  

  • Megan Do

    In my version of hell, Bruno Mars’ “Grenade” is playing and I have a never ending leg cramp.

  • Filmfaerie

    My long running daydream. Realized.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Why is your version of hell my version of heaven?  Well, the dentist part.  I love having latex gloves shoved into my mouth as the dental hygienist does her duty.  Oh, does my mouth feel sparkly clean after the experience. 
    I mean, it was to the point I was thinking about dentistry as a career…then realized I’d never be able to pass the spatial exam questions.  I cannot for the life of me rotate figures in my head, fold imaginary sheets of paper, and all that nonsense. 

    • Guest

      I like the part where I start throwing up in the back of my mouth and they pin me down by my shoulders while they shove tongs holding gauze down my throat while I cry.  

  • Anonymous

    in my version of hell, this Gap ad popup on the lower left corner of thoughtcatalog won’t close, no matter how many times i hit that little X.

  • Cathy

    does no one else find the brick background incredibly annoying??!

    • Guest

      I see plain white!

    • jojo

      YES!! now I can’t pretend reading something incredibly important for work. The brick thingy is giving it away -.- GOSH

    • cathy

      Actually, the pages just loaded incorrectly or something when I viewed it on my older laptop.
      I’m on my new one now and the words are set against the white, as opposed to being set against the actual bricks themselves.
      All is well.

  • FC

    Hey there Delilah, what’s it like in New York City? I’m a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty, yes you do. Times Square can’t shine as bright as you, I swear it’s… AHHHHHHHHh!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    Garden burgers are vegan, and really freakin’ delicious. D: Let them not be confused with Boca burgers though, which are nothing short of VILE. Ick.

    • yumyum

      TRUTH. They taste like the charred grill they were “cooked” on. Blechhhhh

  • guest

    “BUT WHAT?” … story. of my life.

  • Nikkdo

    In my version of hell I’m surrounded by white trash people who say ain’t and drink busch light

  • Anonymous

    ‘I am forced to be Lindsay Lohan’s Gay Best Friend. She texts me constantly’ LOL

  • Cridgway


  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Fields/100000625951408 Jordan Fields

    my version of hell:  having to use windows vista.

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