Things That Turn Me On

It turns me on when someone doesn’t have a Facebook or know what’s going on in the internet world. If you ask me, “What’s Google Plus?”, I will get down on one knee and propose to you right that second. Not knowing the internet means that if/when we break up, you actually will disappear. I won’t have to worry about seeing you pop up on my newsfeed kissing your new boyfriend. You’ll fade away like ex lovers used to do, like they’re supposed to do.

It turns me on when someone has a great laugh, which is so ridiculously cheesy but whatever I DIDN’T MAKE THE RULES. If you have a cute sexy laugh, I will dedicate almost all of my energy to cracking jokes in hopes that you will bless me with that beautiful sound. And then I’ll want to have sex with you. You can’t laugh during sex though. That would make me feel bad.

It turns me on when someone knows how to do stuff. I’m not referring to just handyman kinds of skills (although that would be nice), I’m talking about someone who’s a quick learner, who has random talent and skill. As someone who only knows how to write, I’m in awe of people who know how to do…anything really. I’m not choosy. Know how to tie a knot. Know the square root of 4,292. Anything. I only know how to have feelings so I’m easily impressed.

It turns me on when someone has power. I wish this wasn’t true because it feels so gross and empty but I can’t help it. Have a great job, get me into that restaurant, be in charge, know “the right people”, take care of things. See? It sounds terrible. Why does that give me a boner?

It turns me on when someone has a clean room and pays their bills on time and maybe even has a 401k. I used to not care about any of those things, I used to get turned on by slobs and late rent and unemployment checks. Not anymore. I don’t want no scrubs. Buy me a Waldorf salad please

It turns me on when someone is genuinely nice without being boring, loves their parents, gives big tips, makes fun of me mercilessly, has a big butt (I like them and I cannot lie), doesn’t care about The Kardashians, hates nightclubs, loves me, listens to good music and actually doesn’t care about his image. I’m pretty sure these are universally adored traits so I’m basically screwed. Must not care about the internet and be a nice person? Okay, let me just go into a babe time machine back to the 1950s. TC mark

image – Freaks & Geeks

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Jonfern

    I think you meant to post this to your livejournal. No biggie. We all make mistakes

  • Anonymous

    See, here’s the thing. The only guy I dated who was vehemently anti-social networking was also unbelievably pretentious/condescending about it. He used to accuse me of “taking a hit off the crack pipe” when I checked my Facebook.

    • richard

      Perhaps his message was not ensconced in a cocoon of politeness and warmth but he was right. SWAG!!

    • Stefan

      I think the lesson to learn here is: assholes exist off the facebook grid, too.

    • Guesty

      Hahahahaha, what a d-bag.  

  • Thatguy

    Another Ryan article!? You sir have an impoverished emotional vocabulary. I suggest you spend more time reading and less time writing

  • Jennifer

    Ryan, your posts carry an undercurrent of condescending opprobrium and resentment for sexually
    liberal women. Why so misogynistic?

    • Joy

      gurl please.

    • Bernard

      You’re funny.

  • Seacrest

    Big butts????? You are a deranged chubby
    chasers who will eventually yearn for the novelty and variety of a thin man. Seacrest out!!!

    • Averjoe

      So true!!! right now, Ryan is weeping salty tears
      of imagined victim-hood lol

  • lia marie

    ryan what is google plus?

  • lia marie

    ryan what is google plus?

  • Laura

    “I only know how to have feelings so I’m easily impressed”

    HAha…ha. Shit. That was good. Hit the nail on the head.

  • Chris 'Elmo' Emslie

    it worries me that you pretty much just described my boyfriend. except for the facebook thing.

    • NicoleMang

      that pretty much sounds like my boyfriend too!

  • Jaime Wright

    I kinda don’t get computers so I’m always turned on by people who do.  Grass is always greener on the other side of knowledge.  But, I get what yo sayin’ bout feelings.  That shit is ALL I can do.

  • a.

    “I used to not care about any of those things, I used to get turned on
    by slobs and late rent and unemployment checks. Not anymore. I don’t
    want no scrubs. Buy me a Waldorf salad please.”


    • NoSexCity

      Fucking a-men.

  • ghost taster

    I respect your right to desire these traits in others- they really are generally appealing, and nobody could be blamed for hoping another might possess them- but I’ll be damned if this article doesn’t make me feel insecure about my complete lack of them.

  • eff sox

    good luck being gay in the 1950s though

  • umcheckplease

    I totally get the attraction to a person without facebook … it adds a level of mystery that is very rare in todays world.
    ps google plus sucks anyway so I wouldn’t care if someone didn’t know what it was

  • Anonymous

    You just described the love of my life and I fell in love all over again.

  • Maxwell Chance

    You would love me. Except for the whole internet thing, but no one is perfect. 

  • Maxwell Chance

    You would love me. Except for the whole internet thing, but no one is perfect. 

  • Chels

    Yep, it’s official. We as TC readers have all turned into Ryan O’Connell’s free therapy, your welcome.

    • Jungle Gym


      • Guesty

        oh get a life

  • Nydiesel85

    Gurl you got a lot of feelings.

  • Anonymous

    I actually find people without facebook or internet gadgies sort of… uh weird. Not that I think it is a necessity in our modern era , but the people I’ve known so far who fit that description aren’t exactly there because they are untainted or naive, or have a really cool life outside and actually don’t need the interwebz. 1) they are pretentious little snots who play the I’m-too-cool-to-have-a-FB-card or 2) they are 1) but they actually have ghost accounts where they peep the people they know, and the ones they don’t. There are obvious exceptions to the rule, but there you go, they’re not the rule. So yeah, I agree with the not bumping in the internet par after the breakup but… turururu, TWILIGHT ZONE. 

  • Alexandrea

    Got to agree with you there. Power is sexy. I’m a sad sucker for the Alpha Male.

  • Eva

    Ryan, get out of my mom’s head.

  • anonymous

    I bet I could make you fall in love with me.

  • matt

    date me please!

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