It turns me off when someone agrees with everything you say.
Me: I love the movie Pretty In Pink.
Potential Orgasm Giver: Me too!
Me: And I love the color pink…
Potential Orgasm Giver: Oh my god, get out of my head. Me too!
Me: (THIS IS JUST A TEST) And I love the situation going on in Darfur…..
Potential Orgasm Giver: I’m so glad you said that because I actually do too. I know it’s really horrible and everything but like, I love Darfur, and you know…
Um, no. I don’t know. And I don’t think you do either so stop agreeing with everything I say. I know you think this is what you’re supposed to be doing but it’s actually reducing my erection.
It turns me off when someone is a giant WASP. They have a “strong” last name and a first name that’s not actually a name at all. It’s something made up like Warner or Jefferson or Barron and they do things like attend boarding schools and “summer’ somewhere. Has anyone ever asked you “Where do you summer?” before? I have. I replied, “In front of my air conditioner.” Gay WASPs are the most intense though. They tend to drink a lot, refuse to acknowledge human emotion, and behave like a freak in the sheets. That last part is fun but the rest is unbearable.
It turns me off when someone is a giant slut. Not only does it make me paranoid about acquiring STDs but it also makes me feel like I’m just another notch on their bedpost. And I’m not, dammit! I’m a special preserved flower and you are a virgin mary. You’ve never been touched before but you miraculously know what to do and afterwards, you will marry me in a field of daffodils and we will walk down the aisle to “Sun Was High (So Was I).” Wait, what? Where was I going with this? Oh, right. I don’t like sluts.
It turns me off when someone is all up in the internet (see this piece for the converse) because it just makes me think of when we break up. I don’t want to know that they were at Ozeki Noodle House with @JenbOmb @SallySunGurl and @HotPatrick the day after we broke up. I was too busy checking into My Bed Of Tears with @Me, @Myself, and @I to even think of enjoying noodles. And who the hell is @HotPatrick?!!!
It turns me off when someone does a lot of drugs and/ or drinks too much. Blacking out is not chic and I don’t want to have to worry about sending an Amber Alert every time you don’t come home from the clubs. You shouldn’t have even gone out to begin with. You know I had season one of Friday Night Lights and a bottle of Skinnygirl Margarita!
It turns me off when someone listens to techno. I know that sounds really petty but I think we’re all allowed to have one requirement that’s completely unreasonable. Mine’s Tiesto.
It turns me off when someone has no sense of humor. Can you believe that these people even exist? Whenever I meet one of them, I just sit and marvel at their inability to crack a joke or even laugh at one. I just want to stand there and shake them, screaming “You are the reason Everybody Loves Raymond was on the air for so long!”
It turns me off when someone actually takes the time to list their turn offs. I mean, who does that?