Things I’ve Learned About Lesbians From Watching The L Word

1. Lesbians are insane

Haha, but no, you actually are. At least that’s what Ilene Chaiken, the creator of the show, wants me to think. Who could forget the scenes of a hysterical Alice chasing Dana in her car all around Los Angeles, or Jenny Schecter getting into a life raft with her dog and being swept out to sea after she had gotten her heart broken? Girls, you crazy.

2. Lesbians are physically unable to leave West Hollywood

It’s been rumored that certain lesbians have tried to escape West Hollywood, only to mysteriously disappear. Most don’t even think to try it because the second they leave their incestuous pool of lesbian friends, they start to melt and become disoriented. “Does Santa Monica have a lesbian coffee shop? I must have my coffee made by a lesbian…” West Hollywood is a dyke vortex. The girls of The L Word taught me that life simply doesn’t exist outside of those city limits.

3. Lesbians are rich

If any lesson has stuck with me from watching this show, it’s that lesbians can be whoever they want to be! Want to become the head of a movie studio despite only having experience working for a non-profit? No problem! Just show up to the studio and be like, “Hi. I’m a lesbian. I can run things. Give me a job!” and they will! Oh my god, it seems like lesbians live such a charmed existence. They can become a professional lesbian hairstylist or a professional lesbian radio show personality or even just a professional lesbian and be set for life!

4. Every single girl you meet is a lesbian

Every girl in the city of West Hollywood is gay. It’s a lesbian’s paradise! See that lady over there with the long-term boyfriend? She wants your vagina for no apparent reason! See that  other woman in the bookstore reading a book called “I Love Men So Much”? She’d be down to sleep with a girl if she had a hot foreign accent!

5. Lesbians are confused by straight people

On one particularly hilarious episode of The L Word, the gang goes to a foreign dark land, otherwise known as a straight person’s house, for a party. Confused and feeling sick, the lesbians study the straight people intensely, wondering who/what they are. It eventually cumulates in a hilarious game of charades in which it’s discovered that the straight people have no idea who Kathleen Hanna is and the lesbians have no knowledge of the wildly successful TV show, Desperate Housewives.

6. Lesbians go to prison and have lots of lesbian sex

Helena, one of the rich(er) ladies on the show, is sent to prison for getting involved in gambling or something. At first she’s terrified of life behind the bars but then she starts having raunchy sex with her butch bunk mate and then prison becomes NBD and sort of blast.

7. Good lesbians aren’t born, they’re made

In a bizarre story arc, Cybil Shepherd plays a 50-something woman who decides to finally come out of the closet and enlist the help of Bette to achieve her fullest lesbian potential. She literally says to her, “Teach me how to be a lesbian!” and Bette’s like, “What? I don’t know. Just wear lots of Balenciaga boots like me and have lots of feelings.” I didn’t know that it was possible to be taught how to be a lesbian. I assumed that going down on a chick was enough to earn your stripes but apparently not! Silly me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – The L Word

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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