Things I’ve Learned About Lesbians From Watching The L Word

1. Lesbians are insane

Haha, but no, you actually are. At least that’s what Ilene Chaiken, the creator of the show, wants me to think. Who could forget the scenes of a hysterical Alice chasing Dana in her car all around Los Angeles, or Jenny Schecter getting into a life raft with her dog and being swept out to sea after she had gotten her heart broken? Girls, you crazy.

2. Lesbians are physically unable to leave West Hollywood

It’s been rumored that certain lesbians have tried to escape West Hollywood, only to mysteriously disappear. Most don’t even think to try it because the second they leave their incestuous pool of lesbian friends, they start to melt and become disoriented. “Does Santa Monica have a lesbian coffee shop? I must have my coffee made by a lesbian…” West Hollywood is a dyke vortex. The girls of The L Word taught me that life simply doesn’t exist outside of those city limits.

3. Lesbians are rich

If any lesson has stuck with me from watching this show, it’s that lesbians can be whoever they want to be! Want to become the head of a movie studio despite only having experience working for a non-profit? No problem! Just show up to the studio and be like, “Hi. I’m a lesbian. I can run things. Give me a job!” and they will! Oh my god, it seems like lesbians live such a charmed existence. They can become a professional lesbian hairstylist or a professional lesbian radio show personality or even just a professional lesbian and be set for life!

4. Every single girl you meet is a lesbian

Every girl in the city of West Hollywood is gay. It’s a lesbian’s paradise! See that lady over there with the long-term boyfriend? She wants your vagina for no apparent reason! See that  other woman in the bookstore reading a book called “I Love Men So Much”? She’d be down to sleep with a girl if she had a hot foreign accent!

5. Lesbians are confused by straight people

On one particularly hilarious episode of The L Word, the gang goes to a foreign dark land, otherwise known as a straight person’s house, for a party. Confused and feeling sick, the lesbians study the straight people intensely, wondering who/what they are. It eventually cumulates in a hilarious game of charades in which it’s discovered that the straight people have no idea who Kathleen Hanna is and the lesbians have no knowledge of the wildly successful TV show, Desperate Housewives.

6. Lesbians go to prison and have lots of lesbian sex

Helena, one of the rich(er) ladies on the show, is sent to prison for getting involved in gambling or something. At first she’s terrified of life behind the bars but then she starts having raunchy sex with her butch bunk mate and then prison becomes NBD and sort of blast.

7. Good lesbians aren’t born, they’re made

In a bizarre story arc, Cybil Shepherd plays a 50-something woman who decides to finally come out of the closet and enlist the help of Bette to achieve her fullest lesbian potential. She literally says to her, “Teach me how to be a lesbian!” and Bette’s like, “What? I don’t know. Just wear lots of Balenciaga boots like me and have lots of feelings.” I didn’t know that it was possible to be taught how to be a lesbian. I assumed that going down on a chick was enough to earn your stripes but apparently not! Silly me. TC mark

image – The L Word

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

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  • Megan Do

    THIS IS ALL ACCURATE.

  • brn

    weirdly accurate !

  • S.H.

    “2. Lesbians are physically unable to leave West Hollywood”
    Why am I screaming right now?

  • TS

    as a gay girl i’m thoroughly annoyed by you now.

    just kidding, can’t agree more.

  • Lezbefriends

    You are killing it today. Between the Carrie Bradshaw article and this, I can’t stop laughing. 

  • Mashka

    hahaha “Hi. I’m a lesbian. I can run things. Give me a job!”

    The L Word is so bad and good at the same time. I mean how realistic is it that every single ridiculously babely girl they meet just so happens to be a lesbian or curious or whatever. They flip every straight girl’s pancake in an instant (“flipping someone’s pancake”- a term my brother apparently coined for turning a straight person gay)

    Also I too would be a lesbian if like, Carmen came on to me. Mee-ow.

  • chris

    all the lesbians i know (around 10-15) are rich (parents money) white girls going to expensive art schools and doing a ton of drugs

    • Dan

      I’m assuming this is because you are also rich and white and go to art school.

      • chris

        i wish :-/

        i go to community college and afford through bussing tables

    • Anonymous

      that is because you are still in school, not thirty.

    • Anonymous

      that is because you are still in school, not thirty.

  • No5Line4

    *culminates

  • No5Line4

    *culminates

  • No5Line4

    *culminates

    • NO.

      Bitch, YOU’RE A BUZZKILL AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE RIGHT ABOUT NOW

  • No5Line4

    *culminates

  • spinflux

    Funny article, but I just have to point out about 

    3. Lesbians are rich 

    that it explains in the show how they moved up in their careers. Aside from they knew and who they. . .blew. . .yeah. Anyway.Tina worked with movie studios long before she worked for a non-profit. Bette explains her credentials in one episode, ending with the lofty Michele Gondry has thanked her in every single one of his acceptance speeches. She introduced Sofia Coppola to ‘The Virgin Suicides’.” Shane says she took some john’s money and paid her way through hairdressing school, and Alice, I thought, went to school for communications, and wrote for that fictional big-time LA magazine before being a radio host. 

    I’m sure these fictional professional lesbians have tightened their belts since the show aired. Making them so wealthy really makes the show seem dated given our current economy.

  • Mademoiselle

    This is hillarious. But L Word is so damn addictive, why? Is it the bad factor, like Gossip Girl? Anyway, Shane makes me question my straighthood, maybe that’s the L trick ^^

    • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

      I agree with you on Shane. 

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    8. Lesbians don’t always wear flannel.

  • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

    Oh Ryan, sadly you aren’t familiar with West Hollywood…because if you were, you’d know that the cray cray part about the L Word is that it’s shot in Canada and nothing in West Hollywood looks like that. Don’t cry about it though, because tears make lesbians mad. 

    • Ryan O'Connell

      oh my god, no babe. i DID know that. trust. i know my l word trivia.

  • http://rayguntest.tumblr.com Raegan

    You forgot:
    All lesbians are ridiculously hot
    and
    Straight people should be regarded as second class citizens who have no taste or culture.

  • Nat

    #5 is kinda true IRL.  Or is that just me… ?

    • Lezwecan

      The straights are obsolete. 

  • http://twitter.com/freckleballek Matthew Ballek

    OMG, THANKs 4 the tidbits on how lesbians werk.

    I’m gay and I don’t no ANY lesbianz.
    Now i feel like I no them all! I cant believe that they’re all rich! These bitchez need 2 buy ME drinks.
    LAWLsicle.

  • http://twitter.com/freckleballek Matthew Ballek

    DEAR RYAN, 

    YOU NEED TO POST ON WEEKENDS. I literally relapsed this weekend. LITERALLY. Becuz WHEN I COME HOME , I NEED A NEW POST.You have no life. OBEY the reader. 
    XOXO
    KE$HA

  • Anonymous

    West Hollywood is 80% gay . . .  just throwing that out there.

  • Foo

    That’s what I learned about straight people by watching television, too!

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