The Definition Of Being A Grown Up

Being a grown up means making a home for yourself. Having a first aid kit in the bathroom and a spice rack in the kitchen. “You know what this dish needs? A splash of oregano! Let me consult my spice rack that’s made specifically for adults!”

Being a grown up means throwing dinner parties at your home for your grown up friends. People will get drunk, secrets will be revealed and someone will be having an affair in the guest bathroom! For dessert, people will pass around a joint and listen to MGMT (#dark) while talking about the old daze. There’ll be a swimming pool and people will be jumping in while still wearing their evening gowns. We’ll all be laughing hysterically. There might even be an orgy.

Being a grown up means buying exclusively organic foods. Wandering around Gelson’s or a Farmer’s Market aimlessly while clutching a bag of red peppers. “If anyone needs to know where the fresh produce is, you can ask me. I’m an adult.”

Being a grown up means having children but only when it’s fun and convenient for you. Walk around your suburban neighborhood with a bourgie stroller and be like, “Hey girl! There’s a baby in this thing!” Leave the baby on the front lawn while you drink a glass of wine and think really mature thoughts.

Being a grown up is all about wearing fashion-y clothes 24/7. A ballerina bun and a casual black cocktail dress. Guys can wear boat shoes, polos and short shorts. Chic, chic, chic! Possible looks include: This Is The Dress I Have My Affair In, Where Are My Car Keys, Where Is The Baby, Where Is The Vodka, Where’s My Period, Is This The PTA, Are These Cheetos Organic, I’m On Vacation, Bitch!

Being a grown up means marrying your soulmate and screwing it all up by having sex with the hot person at your gym. It’s all about sneaking around town, being incognito, and just generally destroying everything you’ve worked so hard to build for some illicit sex.

Being a grown up means being stressed out about where to go on vacation. You’ll go to Maine unless you go to San Francisco. But maybe San Francisco is not exotic enough so you’ll go to Cabo. I don’t know, you can’t really talk  about it because it gives you serious anxiety.

Being a grown up means screaming “No more wire hangers ever!” to the guy at the deli for forgetting to put the honey mustard on your sandwich.

Being a grown up means being friends with at least one lesbian couple.

Being a grown up means being in a really good place and like really healthy and happy and getting a dog and looking back at the things you did in your twenties and being like, “Wowwwwww. I don’t miss that at all. Being a grown up is so much better.” TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://twitter.com/i9M Michael B

    i hope that “i’m on vacation” and “bitch!” are two separate looks. 

  • Alison

    The “no more wire hangers ever!” gave me a good snortlaugh

  • Randon2

    That damn baby — I thought it was in the previous paragraph, hanging out on the front lawn, but it was gone when I checked. Better go look in the cloak-room at Victoria Station — the Brighton line.

    • Maxwell Smart

      Oscar Wilde ref FTW.

  • Delle

    Wowwwwwww. I don’t ever want to be a grown up! :P

  • brn

    *The Definition Of Being A White Grown Up

  • Jordan

    I thought this was really good.  I catch myself envisioning and being envious of this imagined ‘adult’ that could only have been forged from too much TV and movies (and that black and white Ketel One commercial with the guys in the suits drinking).

  • Elise

    hahaha I love this! Just entered the real world and became a real “grown up” by moving away from home, getting a career and apartment on my own.  I need to expand my wardrobe… grown ups rule.

  • iamagrownup

    ryan, this is just what i needed today

  • Toomany

    Lots of references to affairs. Not completely necessary when grown up

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Amen, sister. 

  • Amanda

    ryan, your articles are my favorite.

  • Kennneth Gibson

    In no fucking future scenario/dimension/alternative universe will I be listening to MGMT.

    • OhYaKnow

      Why not?

      • RG

        Probably too main-stream for him….

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=46601588 Meghan McCrimmon

    Ryan, move to England with me and let’s be friends.  K thanks bye.

  • Cee Are Vee

    Being a grown-up means having an electric toothbrush

  • kjma

    That’s the definition of toodling around. 

    The definition of being a grownup is finally getting past the stage where you need to wrap your previous follies into a blog post in order to validate your past experiences – and being able to be content with just privately reminiscing without having to mask vanity as some sort of lesson for the masses.

    • Amro

      HARSH

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=709095560 André Philippe Leblond

    That’s it! I’m moving to Neverland!

  • http://twitter.com/melvinismad Melvin Alvarez

    I think this is just a pre-grown up phase.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    Where do video games and watching Entourage fit into this equation?  

    • http://twitter.com/i9M Michael B

      nowhere

  • CausticWit

    I’m promptly on my way to become a successfully dysfunctional White grown up: I recently “invested” in a fancy Target spice rack which came with both Oregano AND Pizza Seasoning. Now I have something to spice up those organic frozen pizzas!

    Not quite sure about losing my soulmate to a tawdry affair. In time, I guess. #dark

  • Luxe

    Maybe being an adult in a Brett Easton Ellis novel…

  • Zot

    “Are These Cheetos Organic” – best bit :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Being a grown up means gladly working 60 hours a week to avoid coming home to the  shrew you married….
    …as far as your list, maybe that’s the adult life of city folk.  Oregano, dinner parties, and organic food?  Bleh. 

  • Ta Gueule

    Don’t forget,  it also means budding in where you’re not wanted and giving shitty unsolicited advice to make yourself like look you’re well-networked.

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/55j

  • aqbastian

    The comments on each of Ryan’s articles are at times better than the articles themselves

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      You don’t grow tired of hearing females say, “I wish you were straight ryan. I want to marry you” ? 

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/55j

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