The Burden Of Being Related To Jerry O’Connell

Last week, I was talking to my friend, who happens to be a Kennedy, about the burden of growing up in a famous family. She told me that being a Kennedy was difficult because you have the family curse, the involvement with politics, the checkered past, and the obscene wealth. I knew exactly where she was coming from because, I too, know the hardships of having a powerful name. Look, I know you’ve been wondering about this for quite some time. The suspense must be killing you so here it goes: My cousin is Jerry O’Connell. Yes, the Jerry O’Connell— beloved star of Tomcats, Body Shots and Scream 2. The world famous superstar is my cousin.

Growing up as an O’Connell, I felt like I was put on a pedestal. People would whisper every time I came into the room of a party. I knew what they were saying about me and it wasn’t fair. They would hiss over their martini glasses “He’s an O’Connell. He and Jerry grew up together! He seems so stuck-up! He must’ve had everything handed to him when he was growing up!” Admittedly, when I was younger, I would get caught up in the fame. Whenever I would go to a fancy restaurant, I would just drop my last name and immediately be escorted a table. “Anything for the star of Joe’s Apartment‘s cousin,” they would tell me. I also would never have to wait in line at the clubs. People saw me and they just knew to let me through. Tara Reid, a co-star in one of Jerry’s films, became a close personal friend for a period of time as well. For a moment, I was running with a very powerful crowd.

People used me to get closer to Jerry. They thought I didn’t know about their hidden agenda but I knew exactly what they were doing. Male models would sleep with me just so they could experience a part of him. They would even accidentally call me Jerry during sex. It hurt.

I finally hit rock bottom after watching a Jerry O’Connell movie marathon in which Piranha 3-D and Obsessed were played back-to-back. Confused and disoriented, I swallowed a bottle of pills and wrote a suicide note that said, “Couldn’t be an O’Connell anymore. Needed to be just me…” Unfortunately, I didn’t die. In fact,  it was Jerry O’Connell who found my lifeless body and saved me, putting us both on the front page news. I was thrust back into the spotlight again for my famous cousin, which was the last thing I wanted. Damn you, Jerry.

Being an O’Connell is way harder than being a Kennedy. People just expect things from you, you know? You have to be on the constant lookout for people who could be using you for your connection to late ’90s/early ’00s nostalgia. I’m writing this to tell everyone to back off and love me for me. I can’t handle living under a microscope any longer.

***** I am not related to Jerry O’Connell.

***** This is a joke.

***** The post, I mean. I’m seriously not related to him. Please don’t sue me, Jerry. I think you’re hot and I’m glad we aren’t related, ya dig? TC mark

image – Body Shots

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • http://twitter.com/keehillman Keeley Hillman

    HAHA. Ryan O’Connell, you have outdone yourself with this one.

  • guest

    uh.

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    I’m not sure if it hurt or helped the humor of this piece that no one has ever really given a fuck about Jerry O’Connell.

    Except for Sliders. Sliders was the shit. 

  • Ayo

    Wow I totally squeed reading this. Only Jerry O’ Connell ref I know is Sliders (which I love). Well played old boy. Totally bought it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    shouldn’t have spoiled it

  • castle

    My last name is Swayze. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?

    Very nice job bringing to light the pains of being distantly (or not) related to someone once famous.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Excuse me, but Stand by Me is among my favorite movies…I liked him better as a fat actor.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1495549613 Casey Morris

    Best post on the site, hands down.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1495549613 Casey Morris

    Best post on the site, hands down.

  • guest

    haha <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=49300307 Andrea Nero

    I imagined this entire post as a monologue by Mena Suvari.

  • Cari

    This is the funniest TC article I’ve seen to date js.

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    Almost believed it.  Great once again, Ryan.

  • Megan Do

    Oh Christ, Ryan. 

  • Jerry O’Connell

    I want to experience a part of myself with you.

  • Scene Queen

    Finally, something by Ryan that is not “why I, as a gay man (who happens to be soooo different than those trashy slutty scene queens) speak for all gays, and am an emotional prude who has seen it all by the ripe age of 24 … blah blah … I did coke once.” This isn’t wonderful, but I’d take this over his usual self-righteos emo posts any day.

    • cr

      if you don’t like his writing then don’t fucking read it- no one’s making you

    • Ceqli

      TOO RIGHT.

  • http://michaelbussell.com Michael

    Having obscene wealth is one of the most difficult things one could ever think to endure. I pray I never suffer such a horrible fate.

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    Funny. I just wish you didn’t explain yourself at the end and left everyone with a vague feeling that you might not be kidding. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    Disclaimers ruin all the fun. Just do the denial-joke to make the disclaimer but still leave an air of mystery. Like: “Guys. I am totally NOT related to Jerry O’Connell. Guys, stop, no, I’m really not! Okay maybe…haha, jk!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

    okay was I the only one who thought “OMG he totally looks like him too!” before I found out this was a joke?

  • http://twitter.com/TwistedCoookie Najmo Mraz.

    Without the disclaimer, I so would have bought this shit. 

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