Some Of The Different Kinds Of Internet Identities You Can Have

1. The Party Person

The party person loves to get crazy. Their internet identity is dominated by pictures of them shotgunning beers, pouring alcohol over their body, dancing in the bar with the caption “FML” underneath, talking to a large group people outside of a warehouse at two in the morning, and making sure the internet never sees them in the daylight. Their status updates revolve around them being wasted or hungover, they’re always promoting some event, and they have a lot of semi-famous friends. They probably even have an internet nickname that has surpassed their actual name. You will never see or hear about this person being sober. You will never see pictures of them hiking and drinking water or at a flea market or at work. They just want you to know that they love to rage.

2. The Religious Person

The Religious Person is really bad at the internet. They use it mostly to post Bible verses or pictures of them vacationing at the Grand Canyon. Lurking them on the internet can cause you to fall into a hilarious Jesus K-hole, which basically involves looking at a lot of people who have the names Kristee or Isaiah or Sara. These people like to post pictures of their nachos from a chain restaurant and kissing their spouse who they married at 22. Bonus points if they have kids, which they usually do. It’s important to note that The Christian will be happier than you ever will be. #dark

3. The Sorority Girl

The Sorority Girl’s default picture is of her and her girlfriends posing in a hallway wearing really skimpy dresses. They like Jack Johnson and use quotes from Shel Silverstein’s Where The Sidewalk Ends when they’re feeling moody. They’re always windsurfing or skiing or parasailing or doing some sport that requires them to be scantily clad. Bonus points if the sorority girl has a disabled younger sister who she poses with in an album called “me and my sissy!” (Loosely translated as, “I’m the pretty one.”)

4. The Professional Homosexual

The Professional Homosexual’s whole life revolves around who he goes to bed with. Their Facebook photos are usually of them and their gay best friends shirtless on a beach somewhere. They have event photos from a place called Mr. Studs where they’re seen holding a drink and looking cold and dead inside. You will be shocked by the amount of gay people The Professional Homosexual knows. Go to their Facebook on their birthday and watch it get inundated with gay people across the globe posting “hey handsome! happy birthday, sexy bitch! call me!” The Professional Homosexual will also try to be a comedian and tweet unfunny jokes like, “Do tic tacs have calories?” For some reason, this will get RTed a bunch with the commentary “LMFAO” accompanying it. Ugh.

5. The Hipster Who’s Five Years Behind

The Hipster Who’s Five Years Behind still posts videos of Feist songs with the caption “she makes it all better.” underneath. They wear headbands and leotards, and surf the web for pictures taken of them by party photographers. They most likely live in San Francisco. They own a cat and take pics of it with their Photobooth, make status updates like “red wine kitties pizza” and strictly adhere to my now outdated advice on how to be cool on Facebook. They’re always looking forward to Coachella.

6. The Thought Catalog Reader

The Thought Catalog Reader gets the internet in a really intense way and thus cannot be criticized. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    I can’t say anything bad because it’d make me a douche because you said TC readers can’t be criticized. D’awwwww. <3

  • Chels

    I CAN’T. 

  • Lovethoughts

    Love Number Six. Thought Catalog= the Internet. 

  • http://whoismau.tumblr.com/ Mauricio

    “You will be shocked by the amount of gay people The Professional Homosexual knows. Go to their Facebook on their birthday and watch it get inundated with gay people across the globe posting “hey handsome! happy birthday, sexy bitch! call me!””

    Ugh. This is so spot-on. Never date a ProMo.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Try not to befriend one, either. 

  • Anonymous

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Thegirlwhofellasleep

    Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahaaa

  • Customconcern

    “Bonus points if the sorority girl has a disabled younger sister who she poses with in an album called “me and my sissy!” (Loosely translated as, “I’m the pretty one.”)”

    Oh sheeeeeeeeiit. Brutal. 

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    You’re so spot on!  As usual.

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    This is beyond relevant.

  • http://lesanneesfolles.tumblr.com/ Diana

    As a recovering sorority girl internet personality, I can attest to the fact that  no self respecting person over the age of 22 should feel the need to default pic with a gaggle of friends. You’re a hot bitch on your own!

    • C.

      I’m on the same page. I agree! :)

  • a.

    What about a sorority girl who reads TC and is always looking forward to Coachella?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    The Professional Homosexual. SO TRUE. And they know ALL of your mutual gay friends. If you meet any gay person at some random event/club and then he later sends you a friend-request, you’ll notice that your one mutual friend will be the Professional Homosexual. Even gay friends from out of state. I’m astounded by their networking skills.

  • Guest

    not to be a fucking asshole, but “#dark” and “babe” are getting kinda tiresome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/craig.mcculloch Craig McCulloch

    “It’s important to note that The Christian will be happier than you ever will be. #dark”

    Oh, man. Laughed so hard at this. Having several friends in this category I can attest to its painful truth.

  • Nicki

    Sorority girl is SO TRUE

  • Anonymous

    THE THOUGHT CATALOG READER! Bonus points if they read the comments as well.

  • Ohheythere

    Someone should do an article about the different kinds of Thought Catalog contributor identities… the homosexual, the educated philosopher, the aspiring journalist (who’s still in high school), the brash  Female, etc etc.

    • Kim

      Do it!

  • Kellye K

    Ryan, stop saying #dark. #dark IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

    Jk I love you.

  • How You Doin'??

    HAHA, Sorority Girl…  Also tends to be the only one tagged in a group photo (after a week) because everyone else looks horrible!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    hah, sweet

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    i’m really glad i read this until the end.

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