1. The Party Person
The party person loves to get crazy. Their internet identity is dominated by pictures of them shotgunning beers, pouring alcohol over their body, dancing in the bar with the caption “FML” underneath, talking to a large group people outside of a warehouse at two in the morning, and making sure the internet never sees them in the daylight. Their status updates revolve around them being wasted or hungover, they’re always promoting some event, and they have a lot of semi-famous friends. They probably even have an internet nickname that has surpassed their actual name. You will never see or hear about this person being sober. You will never see pictures of them hiking and drinking water or at a flea market or at work. They just want you to know that they love to rage.
2. The Religious Person
The Religious Person is really bad at the internet. They use it mostly to post Bible verses or pictures of them vacationing at the Grand Canyon. Lurking them on the internet can cause you to fall into a hilarious Jesus K-hole, which basically involves looking at a lot of people who have the names Kristee or Isaiah or Sara. These people like to post pictures of their nachos from a chain restaurant and kissing their spouse who they married at 22. Bonus points if they have kids, which they usually do. It’s important to note that The Christian will be happier than you ever will be. #dark
3. The Sorority Girl
The Sorority Girl’s default picture is of her and her girlfriends posing in a hallway wearing really skimpy dresses. They like Jack Johnson and use quotes from Shel Silverstein’s Where The Sidewalk Ends when they’re feeling moody. They’re always windsurfing or skiing or parasailing or doing some sport that requires them to be scantily clad. Bonus points if the sorority girl has a disabled younger sister who she poses with in an album called “me and my sissy!” (Loosely translated as, “I’m the pretty one.”)
4. The Professional Homosexual
The Professional Homosexual’s whole life revolves around who he goes to bed with. Their Facebook photos are usually of them and their gay best friends shirtless on a beach somewhere. They have event photos from a place called Mr. Studs where they’re seen holding a drink and looking cold and dead inside. You will be shocked by the amount of gay people The Professional Homosexual knows. Go to their Facebook on their birthday and watch it get inundated with gay people across the globe posting “hey handsome! happy birthday, sexy bitch! call me!” The Professional Homosexual will also try to be a comedian and tweet unfunny jokes like, “Do tic tacs have calories?” For some reason, this will get RTed a bunch with the commentary “LMFAO” accompanying it. Ugh.
5. The Hipster Who’s Five Years Behind
The Hipster Who’s Five Years Behind still posts videos of Feist songs with the caption “she makes it all better.” underneath. They wear headbands and leotards, and surf the web for pictures taken of them by party photographers. They most likely live in San Francisco. They own a cat and take pics of it with their Photobooth, make status updates like “red wine kitties pizza” and strictly adhere to my now outdated advice on how to be cool on Facebook. They’re always looking forward to Coachella.
6. The Thought Catalog Reader
The Thought Catalog Reader gets the internet in a really intense way and thus cannot be criticized.