Thought Catalog

Seven Things A Twentysomething Can’t Do

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1. Mail something

Whenever I have to mail something, I have a mini panic attack. First, I have to get stamps, which seems super daunting because I have no idea where they’re sold. Can I get one at my vegan co-op later or maybe the guy I’m sleeping with from Ok Cupid has some at his apartment. IDK! Then there is the terrifying dilemma of acquiring an envelope. Once you manage to get these two things, you have to somehow put them together and handwrite things. Lastly, you have to search for something called a mailbox. I’ve heard about mailboxes in movies but I’ve yet to see one in real life. Honestly, flying Virgin to give someone something seems more feasible these days. Like I’ve heard of the band The Postal Service but I didn’t know that it was based on a real thing, okay?

2. Call someone on the phone

Phone conversations are reserved solely for job interviews and awkward shame-spiraling conversations with your parents. “Dad, I know I’ve been interning for a year but I really think they’re going to hire me soon. Can’t you just respect that I’m having a hard time right now?” I love texting people really serious things and then ignoring them when they then call in a panic. “Yesterday was really hard emotionally. I think I’m moving back home.” RING, RING. “Um, I’m in a movie right now. Can’t talk.” When I say that I love doing this, I really mean “What the hell is wrong with my generation? Pick up your damn phone. I can see that you’ve just tweeted something. Don’t insult me!”

3. Say no

Saying no to things is really hard in your twenties. “Sure, I’ll go to lunch with you even though I would rather eat glass. Sure, I’ll go to your house party in Crown Heights because it’s Saturday night and I just finished watching every episode of Ally McBeal on Netflix Instant. Sure, I’ll do opium tea. Sounds scary but whatever!” You haven’t been screwed over enough yet to reject everything like you do in your thirties. I mean, I’m nowhere near thirty but I hope it involves being able to say no to a lot of things. Is this true? Can I say no on my thirtieth birthday?

4. Save money/ make money/ do anything positive with money

Money: How do you make it? How do you make a lot of it and not spend it all when you’re wasted? I really wish Suze Orman would help a twentysomething sister out. Like how do you get from Point Starving And Eating 2 Dollar Falafel Glamour to Point Taking This Twenty Dollar Cab Is NBD And I Might Go On Vacay For A Sec Because I’m Worth It. Do you ever wonder how everyone survives? Like where does their money come from? How do they have it because you know they aren’t getting paid anything at their job. There must be a secret trust fund I’m unaware of. That, or I just live in wealthy cities.

5. Tell the truth/ commit to plans

Lying is a twentysomething’s full-time job. Whether it’s to get out of pre-existing plans, composing our resumes, or admitting the amount we drank last night, we always seem to be covering our tracks and stretching the truth. I mostly lie to get out of pre-existing plans. As a result, I think my friends think I’m perpetually hungover and vomiting, which I AM, OKAY? Don’t let anyone tell you different…

6. Speak in proper English

Sowwy we can’t. We love to type lYkE disS (4 irony) and speak in abrevs.

7. Concentrate

I love watching a movie while writing and texting and maybe masturbating while hanging out with my best friends!!! Wait, what were you saying again? You’re leaving your boyfriend and becoming a nun? OMG, hold on. Let me just finish this text real quick and then we can talk about it. TC mark

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Well, here is some good news for your ❤️ next year

The fact is, if you don’t feel good about yourself, nothing he does will ever be enough. If you don’t truly believe you’re worthy of love, you will never believe someone can love you.

“I’m currently on a huge self-help kick and I could identify with a lot of the situations mentioned within the book! I would definitely recommend this book to any women who may be having issues within a relationship or with the men in their life in general. I’m going to pass this book on to one of my best friends now!” — Aubrey

Improve your love life in 2018

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  • http://www.facebook.com/hannaraddness Hanna Nichole Mullins

    Most of these are true. 

    Minus the tell the truth/commit to plans one, I pride myself in that. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/hannaraddness Hanna Nichole Mullins

    Most of these are true. 

    Minus the tell the truth/commit to plans one, I pride myself in that. 

  • rex

    these are so perfect

  • S.H.

    Oh my GOD, hilarious. Just this morning I had to buy some stamps and had absolutely no idea where to go, what to do nor what to ask for. I actually did give up in the end and returned home empty-handed… this article makes me feel okay about that!

    • Kobayashi

      Every town has a least one Post Office (that place where you *gasp* buy stamps!) it’s not hard. How the hell do you function as an adult?

  • S.H.

    Oh my GOD, hilarious. Just this morning I had to buy some stamps and had absolutely no idea where to go, what to do nor what to ask for. I actually did give up in the end and returned home empty-handed… this article makes me feel okay about that!

  • S.H.

    Oh my GOD, hilarious. Just this morning I had to buy some stamps and had absolutely no idea where to go, what to do nor what to ask for. I actually did give up in the end and returned home empty-handed… this article makes me feel okay about that!

  • S.H.

    Oh my GOD, hilarious. Just this morning I had to buy some stamps and had absolutely no idea where to go, what to do nor what to ask for. I actually did give up in the end and returned home empty-handed… this article makes me feel okay about that!

  • Amber Evans

    #7 is so true. So true, in fact, that I scanned this rather than reading the entire thing. I got the gist. You’re funny.

    • Amber

      We have the same name…….

      • Amber

        I’m scared…

  • Josh

    one thing a twenty-something can do:

    pretend like being in their 20’s is old

  • Guesty

    Stamps are at Walgreens.  

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001702321197 Sasha Jones

      REALLY?

      • Guesty

        Fuck yeah!  

  • Steff

     This mostly applies to anybody under the age of 21.  Give us mid-twentysomethings some credit.

    • http://profiles.google.com/oladosuf Bomi Oladosu

      Slightly disturbed how most people how like ” OMG sooo true!”  I felt I mastered most of this things at 22. Now, I am 24. So, how old are the rest of you guys that still can breathe properly and shit?

  • Girlwithcomputer

    Ryan, so completely and painfully accurate. As always.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1147860061 Brandon Buchanan

    You’re funny

  • mee

    Your essays are so spot on. I love you.

  • mee

    Your essays are so spot on. I love you.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Incredibly accurate. Geeez, I don’t want to be thirty.

  • Diana

    I’d go so far as to add ‘cook’ to this list. Last time I tried to cook dinner for myself  the fire alarm in my apartment complex went off and I found my way to the nearest Panera

  • Reens

    Wow i guess a lot of you 20somethings are inadequate… get your act straight guys! My friends and I all know how to these!

  • Reens

    Wow i guess a lot of you 20somethings are inadequate… get your act straight guys! My friends and I all know how to these!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tre-Gripper/1079441297 Tre Gripper

    Ryan…I read you religiously. I feel like we live the same life only yours is my homo-glamorized? Anyways, keep writing, I’ll keep reading, and I can continue to draw simliarities between our lives so I feel a little more normal…or insane, whichever one is more socially acceptable in your twenties.

  • Tory

    Add “make and keep regular doctor’s appointments” (or “find a doctor to make an appointment with”) and I’m on board.

    • abby

      YUP. I don’t think I’ve had an actual doctor’s appointment since I started college. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/kittykitty.meooow Donna-Lee Grant

      HAHA sooooo true! ugh…

  • V V Smalls

    tell the other authors to move over so you can post more.

  • V V Smalls

    tell the other authors to move over so you can post more.

  • anon

    “Seven things a cabbage cannot do.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

     I know that the majority can relate to this, but…I don’t know…I’m not a texter, I enjoy sending handwritten letters in cursive  (a nod to a Catholic education) though they’re primarily to my Army buddy, I’m frugal,  and I enjoy hearing a voice on the other end of a phone.  At least Stevie Nicks understands me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUChFEHuSQc#t=1m17s 

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Fields/100000625951408 Jordan Fields

       marry me

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