How I Spent My Weekend With Hurricane Irene

Let me just preface this by saying that I’m super glad New York City wasn’t hit by a hurricane this weekend. People probably would’ve died just like they did in North Carolina and Virginia, and New York would’ve lost its damn mind. But I must admit I’m a little disappointed that Irene didn’t show her face just a little bit. Like a blurry watercolor, a tiny peek-a-boo that would’ve made being landlocked worth it. But no such luck. In the East Village, all we got was a little bit of wind and a few droplets of rain. Hell, the only way Hurricane Irene could’ve killed you in New York City is by boring you to death, which it did. I’m Duncan Sheik barely breathing right now.

This is what I did on my hurricane weekend. On Saturday morning, I awoke hoping to see a cow flying outside my window, only to find nothing other than a few taped up windows. I checked for news on the hurricane and discovered that it was going to make landfall the next morning. “Great,” I thought. “What the hell are we supposed to do until then?” I went and purchased candles and batteries, and withdrew money from the ATM. New York felt very I Am Legend at this point. The streets were mostly desolate save for a few people running into the grocery store. My food for the hurricane consisted of Wheat Thins and pasta, the latter of which I realized could only be cooked with electricity. Panicking, I rushed to the bodega and spent 20 dollars on Sour Patch Kids and other assorted candies BECAUSE I’M A GROWN UP, OKAY?!

The late afternoon is when things got particularly real. My roommate and I split a bottle of wine at 3:30 in the afternoon and proceeded to get drunk while watching season one of The Simple Life. (I live for a post-rehab chubby Nicole Richie. She just doesn’t care about anything. I mean, she poured bleach on a pool table in a drunken rage! Skinny Nicole would’ve been too hungry to think of that.) We then moved onto some Albert Brooks movie called Defending Your Life, which was confusing and gave me anxiety because it was about dying. I don’t really know what happened after 7:00 pm. All I know is that I woke up to a Ben & Jerry’s carton of ice cream (Oatmeal Cookie Chunk obvi) and Chinese food delivery food at eleven in the morning.

This is when I started to get really annoyed. The city was shut down, everyone was suffering from cabin fever and tweeting the same annoying thing (“Really Irene? Come on, Irene!”). I needed to get to the bottom of this and figure out if she was ever going to show. So I called her myself.

Me: Hey honey. Where R U?
Hurricane Irene: I’m in Coney Island causing a ruckus!
Me: Okay, well are you coming here? You’re late to your own party!
Hurricane Irene: IDK. I’m pretty tired.
Me: Not even like a little cameo? Can’t you just come for a sec and knock over a trash can?
Hurricane Irene: Don’t tell me what to do! Besides, I hate New York. You guys are just a bunch of pompous jerks. By causing damage to your city, I’d almost be giving you guys what you want.
Me: That’s so true. Okay, well I definitely don’t want you to destroy stuff. I was just hoping for a little poke. But I totally see where you’re coming from and I respect that.
Hurricane Irene: Good. It’s important that I’m being heard right now.
Me: You’re being heard loud and clear. Good luck on your travels and see ya never.
Hurricane Irene: Bye babe! U R my sweet rose…
Me: What?
(DIALTONE)

So yeah. Irene never showed so I just spent the rest of the day in bed watching episodes of 7th Heaven. All kidding aside, I’m relieved the hurricane didn’t hit us as expected because if it did, we’d be screwed and it wouldn’t be funny. New Yorkers, how did you spend your weekend? Were you eating two cartons of ice cream and nursing a hangover like me? TC mark

image – born1945

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    WHICH EPISODES OF 7TH HEAVEN?

  • Anonymous

    pot and binge eating. 

  • Anonymous

    pot and binge eating. 

  • Hdks

    As one tweeter put it: “Like so many other big North Carolina girls, Irene took it to New York and realized she aint all that”

    • kate

      i actually laughed out loud. 

    • Abbey

      I love this 

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    Lights were out here in MD and with no phone and just candles, I thought I was going to die of boredom.
    Something weird happened though.
    A bunch of girl neighbors ended up at one apartment next to mine and we played Jenga and took turns charging iPods and phones in cars.

    Not gonna lie, felt scared walking around at night with no city lights though.

    • http://twitter.com/gayworldproblem Gay World Problems

      Jenga!

      • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

        Damn that game.  It’s always me!

  • Anonymous

    This poor guy must have been BORED TO DEATH amirite? http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/08/bronx_man_may_be_irenes_only_n.html

  • beep

    “Hell, the only way Hurricane Irene could’ve killed you in New York City is by boring you to death, which it did. ”

    I knew it was going to be a great article after this gem. So true.

  • Catt

    Funny, I spent my weekend watching trees get torn out of the ground and the river down my street flood into yards! It’s basically the same thing!

  • Nini

    On the other side of the world, (and in some of your states too), the hurricane caused a lot of damage and deaths.  Glad to know that she spared your city. 

  • xxx

    Walked through bed stuy in a bikini. Got wet and hollered at. Possibly contributed to ambulance/car collision but ran away too fast to find out.

    • Guestropod

      lies

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/new-yorkers-have-no-idea-how-to-prepare-for-a-hurricane/ New Yorkers Have No Idea How To Prepare For A Hurricane | Thought Catalog

    […] by too much culture to really feel the wrath of Mother Nature! After the massive blue balling of Hurricane Irene last year, our hubris has become even more […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/10/new-yorkers-have-no-idea-how-to-prepare-for-a-hurricane/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] by too much culture to really feel the wrath of Mother Nature! After the massive blue balling of Hurricane Irene last year, our hubris has become even more […]

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