Helpful Tips On How To Avoid Dying

Have you guys ever watched the show I Survived? It’s on Biography and I’m sort of obsessed with it. I know it seems morbid but it’s fascinating to hear people discuss the adrenaline that goes into your body when you’re facing death and what you will actually do in order to live. It also provides helpful tips on how to avoid dying, which are always useful. Here are some of the things I’ve gleaned from watching 63332 hours of the show.

Tip # 1: Don’t do anything sporty

I’ve always been against nature, sports and anything involving exercise and now I Survived has given me good reason. Think it’s a swell idea to get on a snowmobile? You’re wrong. You’ll fall into the ice and be stuck in freezing water for an hour and a half until your brother rescues you. Think it’s a good idea to climb trees and hunt for animals? Wrong again. You’ll fall off the tree, break your legs and land in cactus. Want to go mountain climbing? You’re dumb. You’ll fall and be left for dead for six days. How about mountain biking? Never. You’ll be mauled by a mountain lion and end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Just stay inside and watch Netflix. The only thing you can die from doing that is boredom.

Tip # 2: Don’t go in the water

Even though I grew up in a beach town, I’ve never liked the ocean. The water was too salty and menacing. Plus, I almost drowned when I was five. From watching I Survived, I’ve been given 100333 more reasons to never go in the water ever again. Not even on a boat. Think a day on the boat would be relaxing? It won’t be. The captain of your ship will kill your entire family, sink the ship, and leave you for dead. You’ll be forced to chill on a raft for three days until someone finds you. It will be bittersweet though because, hi, your whole family will be dead. Murderers aside, you could also just crash into things and have your boat sink. I mean, the ocean is just really scary, okay? Just go fill your bathtub with water and pretend you’re at sea.

Tip # 3: Don’t work night shifts/ work at a bank

Bad things happen at night. Places get robbed, people try to kill other people. Don’t work at a bank because you will get robbed. Haven’t you seen the The Town? Working a night shift at a diner is also scary because unsavory people will try to do bad things to you. Just work somewhere nice like a nursery during the day. Nurseries don’t have money, right?

Tip # 4: Don’t get married and/ or have children

Here’s something really scary that you should all know. Your husband could murder you. Whether it’s for the insurance money or just because they’re out of their mind, they will try to kill you. It’s scary, right? “We were married for fifteen years with no issues and then he just hired some man to kill me.” Oooookayy. People are terrifying and you never really know them until they’re trying to strangle you. Don’t have kids either because if you piss them off when they’re a teenager, they will have their boyfriend murder the entire family and set the house on fire. (No but seriously. This happened.)

Tip # 5: Don’t be a woman

This is actually the most upsetting aspect of watching this show because if it’s a woman, she’s definitely going to get raped. In fact, I don’t recall a story involving a woman that didn’t involve rape. It’s sad and makes me feel sick. It also helps me understand how common rape actually is. There was this one woman though on I Survived who was sort of my hero. She was a ball busting lawyer who was attacked by A SECURITY GUARD in her building (I hate people) and she basically was like, “Sorry, you are not raping me. Not gonna happen!” and proceeded to kick the crap out of him. She was stabbed multiple times and was pretty mangled but she fought him off and was never sexually assaulted. I guess what I love most about this show is that it’s empowering. It does make me nervous though because 90% of the people say they survived because of their spouse and children, of which I have neither. Does that mean I have less of a will to live?! TC mark

image – I Survived

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • CC

    I was perfect until #5… Fuck…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    DEATH IS KNOCKING ON MY DOOR AT ALL TIMES #JUNKIE

  • Totes

    Best tv show! I watch it for the survival tips also haha. I <3 you, Ryan!!

  • Totes

    Best tv show! I watch it for the survival tips also haha. I <3 you, Ryan!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    We’re all doomed.

  • http://profiles.google.com/katiebk12 Katie Bennett

    This is my favorite post so far. I LOVE THE LAST ONE. Good for her.

  • Miss Crispy

    You forgot Jessica Fletcher! Don’t invite Jessica Fletcher to your home or event for the weekend, or even for the afternoon. You or one of those close to you will snuff it.

  • http://twitter.com/yanyun92 Lim Yan Yun

    #dont have fun

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    It’s so hard being a woman. Now this to worry about.

  • Chels

    How about this, stay inside, forever. Living so you that you won’t die, well that’s not living at all. 

    Yes.. I know sarcasm is what you were going for. 

  • Chels

    How about this, stay inside, forever. Living so you that you won’t die, well that’s not living at all. 

    Yes.. I know sarcasm is what you were going for. 

  • Chels

    How about this, stay inside, forever. Living so you that you won’t die, well that’s not living at all. 

    Yes.. I know sarcasm is what you were going for. 

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