Calling BS On Eating Healthy

In the past year, my friends have started this sick disturbing trend of eating healthy. Green things that aren’t smokable are showing up to our potlucks with more and more frequency, leaving me awash in a sea of confusion as I carry a box of cupcakes to the table. “OMG, tempting but no thanks. I’ll just devour some more of this amazing kale and beet salad. God, I’m such a Kirstie Alley right now!”

Wait, did I miss the memo? When did we transition from college meals of spaghetti tossed in an Adderall reduction sauce to kale salads, market veggies, and seitan? I mean, I’m all about eating healthy because it makes you happy and skinny and is, like, good for you and stuff. And I’ve definitely noticed lately that our bodies are changing. We can’t just binge eat on pad thai and expect our body to forget about it. It’s gotten to the point where it never forgets. That being said, can we stop pretending that the junk food never happened? Can we stop pretending that the fourth meals, the Sour Patch Kids, and pizza did not exist? I know you’ve entered a new phase in your eating life but, come on. Show some love for the things that are bad for you. Give it a quick kiss.

The delusion is what bothers me. People would like you to believe that eating a bowl of lettuce is comparable to a slice of red velvet cake. “Oh wow, I’m so hungover right now. This lettuce really hit the spot.” No, it didn’t! I want to scream at them (complete with waving my arms wildly in public) about their sordid past. I want to remind them of the food we used to embrace together. Fact: Food that will clog your arteries and kill you tastes the best. It’s one of life’s cruelest jokes and the primary reason why losing weight is so difficult. Saying no to the things that feel good in the moment but ultimately hurt us is a struggle in everyone’s life. Even though I’m happy to see my friends win the battle, I also secretly want to poison their brussel sprouts with some deep fried bread crumbs.

I just want things to be out in the open. I want people to say that eating heathy is sort of a bitch and, yes, I would like a bite of that cupcake. I would like Jennifer Aniston to admit that she has a good body because she’s extremely disciplined, works out constantly and rarely succumbs to any food cravings. Let’s just be real. Keeping fit is hard work so stop pretending that your prohibitive diet is delicious. It makes all of the people who aren’t as fit feel bad about themselves. “Why don’t I love broccoli as much as my friend does? Is something wrong with me?! Should I be craving brown rice right now instead of a burrito?!” Hell no. Eating healthy is all about eating the brown rice while imagining it to be a giant burrito. Don’t let anyone tell you different. TC mark

image – Fat Actress

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Meghan Pittman


  • RebekahMeinecke

    Ha this is hilarious. I also wonder how people can “love broccoli.” I’m sorry, it just won’t satisfy the same cravings and a nice greasy slice of pizza. Splurge on fatty foods sometimes! It’s actually good for you!!

  • irreverent puddles

    okay just wanna add this: i started “eating healthy” in march (meat &veggies galore – like atkins, but not) and since then all these little ailments have started appearing. Seriously, I was ON TOP OF MY GAME when i ate mostly shit. Never got sick, perfect skin, perfect hair – might have been a few pounds overweight, but perfect everything else compensated. Now eating healthy, my hair is shite, my skin is oily and broken out, I think I have psoriasis and my weight hasn’t changed at all! so FUCK EATING HEALTHY, it’s a ploy

    • irreverent puddles

      ew oh god i’m so pretty

    • kp

      Haha. Something tells me you’re doing it wrong. 

    • Anonymous

      This happened to me when I cut out all fat and got a bunch of vitamin deficiencies. See a doctor.

    • Asdf

      Remind me never to ask you the question, “So… how are you?”

      • irreverent puddles

        i know, right?

    • a.

      That’s me when I start taking vitamin supplements (minus my weekly Vitamin B shot). My skin breaks out and I bruise to the touch (no joke- 30ish little bruises dotting my legs).

    • Staplerinvasion

      It’s possible that your body is just freaking out about your change in diet, and may just correct itself in good time. Or maybe you’re reacting to a certain food or food group you used to eat very little of. There’s a lot of possibilites, I doubt the junk food was better for you

  • Stephanie Kee

    Well, I love broccoli, and most types of veggies, and I very sorry to say that I find most meats disgusting.
    That said, however, I do adore all types of junk food like pizza and chips and burgers and Milo powder and anything else that can’t actually be considered a meal. I’m just sort of munching on unhealthy stuff the whole day,  so I suppose actually liking broccoli helps to neutralise all that a little.
    However, I agree with both Ryan and RebekahMeinecke  – I don’t think anyone could actually *crave* vegetables!

    • Anonymous

      I frequently crave deep fried tempura squash.

    • NoSexCity

      You can train your body to do anything. I get weird cravings for watercress, kabocha and bok choy on the regular.

      … I also dream of Take 5 candy bars before I fall asleep. I can never kill my love of sugar.

  • Anonymous

    Broccoli… but on pizza. mmmmm

  • Anonymous

    Broccoli… but on pizza. mmmmm

  • ✔ Lady Blue

    Balance is key. Healthy foods are good for your body but there’s nothing like satisfying a craving here and there!

  • NoSexCity

    Eating healthy is hard when everyone around you eats like shit. But that slice of red velvet and all the accompanying sugar will make me feel like hell when I try to do a 5 mile run tomorrow morning, so pass me the salad and let’s pretend this conversation never happened.

    • Anonymous


      • NoSexCity

        Honesty’s rough, I know.

  • Zoe Young

    i hate people who announce that they are ‘in the mood for a salad’

    • Jasper Sihoe

      i say that all the time. But you probably haven’t had Pluto’s salads. I get it with Extra Tri-Tip Medium Rare. Its delicious!

      • Molly

        Mmmmm. Plutos. Agreed. And saying you’re in the mood for a salad is totally valid. Sometimes our bodies know what’s best and after a day of eating fried foods and sweets, it’s really easy to crave something healthy.

      • Julia Kath

        PLUTOS!!!!!!! IM HAVING ONE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Laurie Brown

    I love vegetables, but the meal isn’t complete without a serving of chocolate or something. I will occasionally crave fresh green beans or tomatoes, but the vast majority of my cravings involve butter, chocolate, sugar, grease….

  • David Trahan

    All entertaining and valid points, except that cravings for and satisfaction from healthy food is BS. It’s not. Once you stop  eating like shit, your tastes change. You get more enjoyment from healthy things, because your pallet it re-formed for those rather than yearning for sugar and carbs all the time. Maybe if you actually tried it, instead of brushing it off because you don’t want to forget the wonder years of the 4th meal and hyper-metabolism, you’d understand. 

    • xra

      very true; taste/craving is mediated by the liver, so when it gets used to eating a certain way, that food _does_ start to become objectively (read: biologically) more appealing to you. Since I went paleo, i get hardly any cravings for sugar, and everything sweet tastes so sweet it grosses me out sometimes

  • Caitlinrolls

    I’m eating a salad right now. It sux.

  • Caitlinrolls

    I’m eating a salad right now. It sux.

  • Blue

    Burritos aren’t healthy my ass!

    • Asdf

      True. Especially extra spicy burritos. Asses (and people around said asses) don’t like the heat.

    • Asdf

      True. Especially extra spicy burritos. Asses (and people around said asses) don’t like the heat.

  • Jennifer Schaffer

    Word.  Last graph reminded me a bit of:

  • OliverJazz

    I just ate a pizza (mozzarella, tomato and bazil) and drank half a bottle of South-African red wine. I’m in heaven. :) Even if I mostly eat quite healthy, I don’t understand people, who get so obsessed about “health food”. Why make your life miserable? You make your friends (or mom etc.) sad when you don’t eat their delicious but “unhealthy” foods? A meal as it’s best is not only food, but also a social event. Many studies have been made also about how enjoying your food actually matters as much as the quality of it when it comes to both physical and mental health. What ever you eat, you digest it better when you are happy.

    • shelly

      Please eat my food, I need people like you.

  • Alex Thayer

    i dunno about you guys, but i eat tons of saturated fats and refined, processed carbs, and i haven’t gained any weight.

    it’s all about your daily energy expenditure.  hit the gym 3 days a week, and try walking/biking instead of driving.  simple as that.

    • Chris Priore

      Just because you are skinny doesn’t mean you aren’t unhealthy.

      • Alex Thayer

        YEAH BRO?

        i bet you eat 6 meals a day and no carbs after 6 P.M.

    • Anonymous

      Wait til you hit 40, then get back to me.

  • ANG

    I try to get all the unhealthy fat-ridden food in my stomach early in the morning because I will burn all those calories throughout the day and therefore can eat anything I want in the morning! right? RIGHT?

    As a result of this mentality, I had haagen daaz’s mayan chocolate icecream for breakfast. Yum.

  • Byrnsy

    Food relationships are not monogamous; you can crave/desire both healthy and shite.

  • Byrnsy

    Food relationships are not monogamous; you can love/crave/enjoy both healthy and shite.

    • Byrnsy

      Sorry about the repeat…

  • Casper

    Oddly enough, ate an ungodly amount of Sour Patch Kids prior to reading this.

  • devin

    my best friend is taking classes to be a nutritionist now, she makes sure her chicken is no larger than a deck of cards, she substitutes fries for steamed broccoli, but in my heart she will always be the girl who drunkenly ate an entire cheese pizza in under 5 minutes on the same night that she chugged a gallon of chocolate milk in under an hour (just to see if she could), after which she promptly vomited all over her bedroom floor.

  • Vicky

    One must aspire to maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle. This should be engrained into you while you are young and impressionable. As a person ages it becomes harder and harder to make these changes unless you have very few to make. Weight maintenance and body mass are important. If I had it all to do over, I would never allow any fluctuations in weight ever. Now that I am older it is impossible to regain the body I once had. I’m left with expensive prescription meds for medical ailments and a diet that a small rabbit would adore. My only treats are yogurt and fruit. Sad but true. Take care of your body. It will reward you in years to come.
    I would love nothing more than to run up to the gym and workout for an hour or more daily. Truth being told, my bones, joints and muscles would all give out before I even approached the door.

  • Shahnajm

    It’s only hard on the first month of the wagon! Your taste buds become old and gran-like as our need for sleep :)

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