In the past year, my friends have started this sick disturbing trend of eating healthy. Green things that aren’t smokable are showing up to our potlucks with more and more frequency, leaving me awash in a sea of confusion as I carry a box of cupcakes to the table. “OMG, tempting but no thanks. I’ll just devour some more of this amazing kale and beet salad. God, I’m such a Kirstie Alley right now!”
Wait, did I miss the memo? When did we transition from college meals of spaghetti tossed in an Adderall reduction sauce to kale salads, market veggies, and seitan? I mean, I’m all about eating healthy because it makes you happy and skinny and is, like, good for you and stuff. And I’ve definitely noticed lately that our bodies are changing. We can’t just binge eat on pad thai and expect our body to forget about it. It’s gotten to the point where it never forgets. That being said, can we stop pretending that the junk food never happened? Can we stop pretending that the fourth meals, the Sour Patch Kids, and pizza did not exist? I know you’ve entered a new phase in your eating life but, come on. Show some love for the things that are bad for you. Give it a quick kiss.
The delusion is what bothers me. People would like you to believe that eating a bowl of lettuce is comparable to a slice of red velvet cake. “Oh wow, I’m so hungover right now. This lettuce really hit the spot.” No, it didn’t! I want to scream at them (complete with waving my arms wildly in public) about their sordid past. I want to remind them of the food we used to embrace together. Fact: Food that will clog your arteries and kill you tastes the best. It’s one of life’s cruelest jokes and the primary reason why losing weight is so difficult. Saying no to the things that feel good in the moment but ultimately hurt us is a struggle in everyone’s life. Even though I’m happy to see my friends win the battle, I also secretly want to poison their brussel sprouts with some deep fried bread crumbs.
I just want things to be out in the open. I want people to say that eating heathy is sort of a bitch and, yes, I would like a bite of that cupcake. I would like Jennifer Aniston to admit that she has a good body because she’s extremely disciplined, works out constantly and rarely succumbs to any food cravings. Let’s just be real. Keeping fit is hard work so stop pretending that your prohibitive diet is delicious. It makes all of the people who aren’t as fit feel bad about themselves. “Why don’t I love broccoli as much as my friend does? Is something wrong with me?! Should I be craving brown rice right now instead of a burrito?!” Hell no. Eating healthy is all about eating the brown rice while imagining it to be a giant burrito. Don’t let anyone tell you different.