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A NYC Hurricane Survival Guide For Twentysomethings

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So in case you haven’t heard, there might be a hurricane coming for the big bad Apple this weekend. Hurricane Irene is currently kicking the crap out of The Bahamas right now and is said to touch down on North Carolina this Saturday, making its way to New England and (gulp) New York City as soon as Sunday. Of course, there’s a chance it may very well tucker itself out on Saturday, in which case, NYC should be mostly kept out of harm’s way. But if it doesn’t, be prepared for awful, no good, very terrible things to happen. It’s not the idea of a hurricane so much that scares me. It’s how New York is going to respond to it. I have an image of the city cowering in fear at the sight of it and trying to shoo it away by offering the hurricane drink tickets or a New York Times exclusive interview. “Please go away. Do hurricanes take Xanax? Someone get my pharmacist on the phone now!”

So here’s what you should do in order to survive this thing. You should follow Stephanie Georgopulos’ aunt’s advice first. Aunt Joy is a hurricane expert and knows what the hell she’s talking about so read carefully.

Make lots of ice…you can use it to drink as well as helping to keep your freezer and refrigerator cold if the power goes out.

Get paper plates, plastic cups and utensils to replace your regular stuff – you may not be able to wash dishes for a few days

If you lose power, shine a flashlight toward the ceiling to illuminate the entire room

If you have a grill, get lots of propane or charcoal – you have no idea what extremes you will go to if you’ve been without coffee for 2 or 3 days plus, you can cook food that is in danger of spoiling. You may wind up having a block party if everyone is in the same boat.

Consider getting a kit that will boil one cup of water chemically. Campmore has them.
Remove or tie down anything in your yard that may become a projectile.

Get lots of cash and gas

Get a book you’ve always been meaning to read.

It’s a dangerous time. Even afterward there may be no traffic lights, wires and trees in the road and obstacles everywhere you try to go. Stores will be closed, no ATMs and no electronic media will be working. Think of it as an adventure in the 19th century. Good luck.

Thanks Aunt Joy! You should also check respectable news sources (AKA not us) for tips.  If all else fails though, you could always do the following things:

Scream, “Oh my god, a hurricane!” to the cashier at Key Foods. Start throwing bananas.

Call the person you have a crush on and be like, “This impending hurricane really reminds me of the hurricane I have in my heart for you. It’s like a Category 5 and I’m about to blow over. So can we have sex later?”

Make a grab bag of all your most important items, which should be your cell phone (OMG, all the sweet text messages you’ve received from your exes!), your computer, a box of Wheat Thins, your secret stash of drugs (It’s in your My So-Called Life lunchbox underneath your bed) and a locket of your lover’s hair.

Live- tweet the entire hurricane from your bedroom window. “Oh my god, the wind is insane right now. Update: My windows are shaking. Update: Oh my god, I think I’m about to be blown away. Update: Oh wow, I’ve been blown away! LOL. Don’t forget to #FF me!”

Cancel all of your OkCupid dates.

Tell your best friend that you hate them. Just kidding!

Quit your job. Why not? Take a crazy chance!

Spend hours screaming and pacing around your bedroom.

Refer to Hurricane Irene as a person in all of your status updates. “Irene would do this to me on the weekend I’m going out of town. Who the HELL does she think she is?”

Call your father on the phone and start calling him “Papa”.

Fail to do anything constructive. Blame everything on the economy. Wear cute outfits. TC mark

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    • http://umcheckplease.wordpress.com umcheckplease

      Blame the recession

    • Anonymous

      Harden the fuck up, New York. 

      Miami hasn’t given a shit about hurricanes since ’92.

      • Anonymous

        like we totally get that you’re just now discovering them, but tone it down NYC

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

          currently scoffing at your ‘arrogance’ regarding how ‘distant’ you think nyc is with mother nature////go central park~~*

        • Guestropod

          Central Park isn’t nature

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

          didn’t realize ‘trees’ and ‘grass’ and ‘squirrels’ and ‘rats’ aren’t part of nature. wondering if you are from yakutsk where there is nothing but snow and ice

        • Hahah.

          Central Park is not nature. Come to Washington State if you want to see some real nature. 

        • Anonymous

          If you ARE really getting into Canes though, I’d check out some of the earlier stuff: Ivan, WIlma, Ike and Katrina are definitely good for getting into canes, but the seminal hurricane experience is Andrew, obviously.

        • Anonymous

          If you ARE really getting into Canes though, I’d check out some of the earlier stuff: Ivan, WIlma, Ike and Katrina are definitely good for getting into canes, but the seminal hurricane experience is Andrew, obviously.

      • Guestropod

        1892

    • Guestropod

      the gulf coast is crying for your right now

    • Orlunch

      First the earthquake, now this hurricane.  All because of fracking in Pennsylvania…

    • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

      “Update: Oh wow, I’ve been blown away! LOL. Don’t forget to #FF me!” 

      This had me me chuckling. Ryan, you are killing it today. Don’t forget to stick together hipsters!

      And the term “canes” is ridiculous, please use full words, this is a serious literary website after all.

    • Youknowitsirene

      My name is Irene…

    • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

      ‘Call the person you have a crush on and be like, “This impending
      hurricane really reminds me of the hurricane I have in my heart for you.
      It’s like a Category 5 and I’m about to blow over. So can we have sex
      later?” ‘

      Was considering doing this.

    • Damenhandle

      Big Bad Apple!! NYC!! Hurricane!! NYC!! NYC!! Xanax!! NYC!!

      Basically, everyone in the rest of the country will have to deal with this incessant babbling all next week in what will end up being 6 inches of rain and some broken umbrellas.

    • http://twitter.com/KayBeeTweets Kay Bee

      I tweeted this earlier, but if/when the power goes out and you have no ice? Stock up on red wine. That is, unless you actually like your liquor warm.

    • Nicki

      Psh, Irene is nothing. I survived Ike. NYC is full of pussies. 

      • Anonymous

        Ike is for babies, I did Katrina and Andrew.

        Also my penis is huge.

    • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

      Oh no, don’t throw bananas. Clutch them to your chest and treasure them- if American hurricanes are even remotely like Australian cyclones (they are), all your banana trees will be flattened and bananas will still cost one million dollars (about $1 049 000 US) per kilogram (that’s two pounds) five months after the wind event, it’s true.

    • http://www.junketjuice.com junket juice

      (OMG, all the sweet text messages you’ve received from your exes!)
      ……Dear God, thank you for posting something that made me laugh out loud in a very ashamed way today.

    • Keli Anaya

      Why are you so good at this!?

    • Gary McClelland

      “Remove or tie down anything in your yard that may become a projectile.” What is this “yard?”

    • BAM!!

      lmao you guys are taking this wayyy too seriously. i’m from miami, its not a big deal

    • http://www.facebook.com/iamahmad Ahmad Radheyyan

      I really enjoyed this article, made me laugh. Finally the East coast gets a taste of what the West coast goes through every other year.

      People need to stop saying twentysomethings though, ferreal.

      9 people liked
      this.

      • YEP

        The East coast gets a hurricane every year.

        • http://www.facebook.com/iamahmad Ahmad Radheyyan

          Oh my god. I’m an idiot. I honestly thought this was about the earthquake the other day. There aren’t any hurricanes on the West coast. 

    • Anonymous

      ta.gg/5bc

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