A Message To The People Who Manage To Stay Cute In The Summer

Dear summertime babes,

Um, I hate you. As I spend my days sweating my face off and looking like a haggard ass ho, you walk past me looking pristine and beautiful in your summer short shorts and tank tops. It’s 100 degrees out. Why have you not melted? I should be seeing beads of sweat drip down your forehead, an uncomfortable facial expression, and perhaps even some butt crack sweat. But no. Instead, I see your beautiful face staring back at my melted down popsicle of a face. How do you do it and have you been sent here to torture me and can I get your number?

I thought that once summer hit, we would all be sisters in the struggle but I thought wrong. The heat does not treat us equally. For the beautiful people, the heat gives them a sun-kissed look, giving them little pecks all across their cheek and a glowing tan. It also apparently installs an anti-sweat protector so that their darling visages won’t be ruined by evil perspiration. All day every day, the heat holds gorgeous people in their arms, making them look even more gorgeous. Meanwhile, it shoots us a death stare as we climb up five flights of stairs to our apartment and put our head in the freezer. It gives us sunburns and makes us peel all over the place. It does to us what it’s exactly supposed to do: Make us look freakish and disgusting. So how come it always feels like you’re the only being physically affected by the heat?

“Don’t touch me!” is our seasonal greeting by friends and lovers. “I’m so sweaty and disgusting. The thought of touching you gives me that weird behind the knees sweat. I can’t!” We respect their wishes but also can’t help but be resentful that somewhere out there, summertime babes are getting laid right and left. They’re seducing people with their skin that smells like salt water, sand and jealousy, their dark toned arms, and empty promises of a beach house. NOT FAIR. Summertime babes, you are making me and my bizarre neck sweat look bad. I thought we were all in this together. I thought it was understood that we’d all look like crap during the summer so why did you have to change the game on me? Am I being punked? Is there a secret air-conditoned station on every street corner where you go to touch up? ANSWER ME! Right now, my hair won’t even talk to me. Whenever it becomes frizzy, it starts to get real emotional and shut me out.

Summertime babes, I wish to be one of you. I don’t know what you had to do to stay so sweat free and stunning (did you give the heat a HJ?) but I’m jealous. Please go away for a sec so I can collect myself. Go to The Hamptons and leave the city to the gross sweaty monsters like me. Thanks. TC mark

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A Message To The People Who Manage To Stay Cute In The Summer is cataloged in , , , , , , , ,
  • http://twitter.com/ElectricMari Marilena

    bahahahhahaahaahaaha I effin agree!!! and you’re awesome!!! 

  • Kim

    Is it especially hot in NYC today??

  • Miranda

    I am proud to call myself a summertime babe! My hair looks glorious and wild after a day at the beach. I am sorry, Ryan, you get weird neck sweat, but I’m sure you look darling in a sweater during the autumn/winter months, while I just look frumpy.

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    Fuck being a summertime babe, losing your beach bod via Thanksgiving leftovers is a hell of a lot more fun than trying to get it back.

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Amen, brother. 

    • Guest

      everyone’s got a beach body if they have a body and take it to the beach

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    Those summertime babes are dreading the winter though. As a lover of summer I get nervous just thinking about shaking as I walk through the streets in my snow-soaked shoes in the winter.

    • http://www.candicepayne.com Candice

      Exactly what I was about to say. People just have different tolerance levels. If it dips even slightly below room temperature I’m piling on sweaters. Gotta GTFO of Chicago.

      • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

        I gotta GTFO too.

    • http://www.candicepayne.com Candice

      Exactly what I was about to say. People just have different tolerance levels. If it dips even slightly below room temperature I’m piling on sweaters. Gotta GTFO of Chicago.

  • A.

    “Did you give the heat a HJ?”

    amazing.

  • David Moon

    The passcode to the air conditioned terminals is 3374. Enter it into any public telephone and wait for the passageway to open. Pedro, the poolboy, will mist you down upon entering. Tips are appreciated.

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    U JELLY?

  • guest

    haha!  head in the freezer.

  • http://whoismau.tumblr.com/ Mauricio

    “I thought that once summer hit, we would all be sisters in the struggle but I thought wrong.” PREACH.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    I love the awkward “Damp Hug.”  Gimme a squeezeum you sweaty sexy devil you!  

  • http://www.facebook.com/ivanavi Ivan Dutton

  • Anonymous

    That was not writing.
    That sounded like a congealed blob of the facebook statuses/photo comments of 350 teenage girls

    That was nauseating.

  • Ceqli

    RYAN!! Stop being cute, babe, you’re really too much sometimes.

    As to the angst over summertime babes, it’s all in good fun. We’ll be back on top when fall and winter come rolling around ;)

  • http://twitter.com/CTrembz Caitlin Tremblay

    This is the story of my subway-taking, 4th floor walk-up, trudging up a concrete hill to get to the grocery store life.

  • Sophia

    ACCURATE

  • Paulspensley

    You can have my number!!

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