You: Hey Mom. Hey Dad. How are you? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you guys all week.
Mom: I’m sorry, honey! We’ve been real busy.
You: Um, doing what? You don’t do anything.
Dad: We’ve been fishing for crab and we had company over the weekend. Your mom is making some drapes.
Mom: They’re gorgeous. We found them at Costco.
You: Costco sells drapes?
Dad: They sell everything there. Why shop anywhere else?
You: Right. Okay, well I wanted to talk to you guys about something.
Mom: What is it? Do you need money? Has that rash returned?!
You: Oh my god, no. Stop!
Dad: So what’s up?
You: I just, like, wanted to apologize for being such a little jerk to you in high school and even in college. I had this weird epiphany the other day when I realized you guys were human and it blew my mind.
Mom: What are you talking about?! You weren’t that bad.
You: Mom, I called you a bitch like every single day and stole your wine. Dad, I shut my bedroom door in your face every time you tried to talk to me and claimed that I must’ve been adopted. I was seriously Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.
Dad: You were a teenager though. It was your job to hate us. And we know you didn’t mean it. We knew you would eventually come around and realize how awesome we were!
You: Totally. I think just being away from you guys when I was at college saved our relationship. It’s cliche to say but by putting some distance between us, I was able to realize, “Wait, I’m obsessed with my parents. Mom, Dad? Call me back!”
Mom: I noticed that you had begun to call more often and felt very confused. Excited but confused.
You: And l think about how expensive I was and how expensive it is to have kids in general. I really appreciate you guys working your ass off to support me.
Dad: Am I hallucinating these words coming out of your mouth? Am I having a stroke?
You: Don’t joke about that, Dad, because you actually could have a stroke. You’re old.
Mom: Oh, he’s fine! He’s just happy to hear these things. Because we did work hard for you but we didn’t expect for you to take notice or vocalize your appreciation to us.
You: I feel like such a grown up for even thinking these things. My 17-year-old self is probably flipping out and thinking I’m terribly uncool.
Dad: Great. Well we have to go. There’s a lot of work to be done around the house. Love you!
Mom: Bye honey.
You: Wait, what?! You have to go? I just bared my soul.
Dad: Call us soon!
You: Come back!