A Healthy Conversation You Would Like To Have With Your Parents

You: Hey Mom. Hey Dad. How are you? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you guys all week.

Mom: I’m sorry, honey! We’ve been real busy.

You: Um, doing what? You don’t do anything.

Dad: We’ve been fishing for crab and we had company over the weekend. Your mom is making some drapes.

Mom: They’re gorgeous. We found them at Costco.

You: Costco sells drapes?

Dad: They sell everything there. Why shop anywhere else?

You: Right. Okay, well I wanted to talk to you guys about something.

Mom: What is it? Do you need money? Has that rash returned?!

You: Oh my god, no. Stop!

Dad: So what’s up?

You: I just, like, wanted to apologize for being such a little jerk to you in high school and even in college. I had this weird epiphany the other day when I realized you guys were human and it blew my mind.

Mom: What are you talking about?! You weren’t that bad.

You: Mom, I called you a bitch like every single day and stole your wine. Dad, I shut my bedroom door in your face every time you tried to talk to me and claimed that I must’ve been adopted. I was seriously Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.

Dad: You were a teenager though. It was your job to hate us. And we know you didn’t mean it. We knew you would eventually come around and realize how awesome we were!

You: Totally. I think just being away from you guys when I was at college saved our relationship. It’s cliche to say but by putting some distance between us, I was able to realize, “Wait, I’m obsessed with my parents. Mom, Dad? Call me back!”

Mom: I noticed that you had begun to call more often and felt very confused. Excited but confused.

You: And l think about how expensive I was and how expensive it is to have kids in general. I really appreciate you guys working your ass off to support me.

Dad: Am I hallucinating these words coming out of your mouth? Am I having a stroke?

You: Don’t joke about that, Dad, because you actually could have a stroke. You’re old.

Mom: Oh, he’s fine! He’s just happy to hear these things. Because we did work hard for you but we didn’t expect for you to take notice or vocalize your appreciation to us.

You: I feel like such a grown up for even thinking these things. My 17-year-old self is probably flipping out and thinking I’m terribly uncool.

Dad: Great. Well we have to go. There’s a lot of work to be done around the house. Love you!

Mom: Bye honey.

You: Wait, what?! You have to go? I just bared my soul.

Dad: Call us soon!

You: Come back!

(Dialtone) TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Had this conversation. Was refreshing at first… then realized I should’ve asked for twenty bucks.

  • Jessi Smith

    I think I’ll just post this to my mom’s Facebook wall since she’s too busy having a life to answer my phone calls, anyway.

  • guest

    This should be called “A Healthy Conversation You Would Like to Have With Your White Parents.” If I ever called my mom a bitch or stole their wine, there’s no way in hell they’d be this understanding.

    • anonymouse

      i called my mother a bitch once when i was sixteen and she slapped me and i would’ve felt safer playing in traffic than stealing their wine.  my parents are white.

  • Donnerunbaiser

    thinking of just emailing this to my parents instead of having to go through the awkward, humbling conversation myself and hearing the “i told you so” in their voices as memories of high school me come flooding back to the three of us…

    • Guest

      I so wanna email this to my parents too….Thank you Ryan!

    • sarah

      does emailing count? cuz that was my first thought too… 

      maybe that just shows that i’m not mature enough yet ….

  • Guest

    omg this is trueeeeeee!!

  • Brandon h

    Wow ryan, you were kind of awful. The worst I ever did was hide my no-so-good report card when it came in the mail, I felt aweful and it came back to bite me in the ass once mom realized it hadn’t come. 

    Now i do call my mother a bitch now, but only AFTER I came out, cuz gays get free passes on calling women bitches, but she gets to make fun of all my gay cliches (including the use of the word “cliche”), so it balances out.

    • http://www.noahtourjee.com Noah Tourjee

      Cliche is a “gay” word to you? You think Women enjoy it when you get all sassy and call them a bitch? Interesting!

      • Brandon h

        You need to turn your sarcasm detector up. 

  • DL

    Only blogger on the interwebs who makes me smile everytime. 

  • http://www.myheartandmyskull.tumblr.com Lauren

    BEST LINE:  I had this weird epiphany the other day when I realized you guys were human and it blew my mind.

    Emailing this to my parents, obviously.

  • http://profiles.google.com/btlcs90 syahmi azri

    this kind of conversation is always in the beginning, the bad news will come right after this.
    but somehow, someday i wish that my conversation will consist of this and only this.

  • heehee

    ….you (and everyone else commenting)  JUST had the “woah my parents aren’t infallible” moment?? your poor fucking parents. try being a little more introspective dude

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