1. Retweet random people every five minutes
In case you didn’t know, people hate to follow a constant retweeter. And who can blame them? People follow you for YOUR thoughts and opinions, not some random dude in Iowa who you think has a funny Twitter account. So cut it out! Unless you don’t want followers. In which case, start retweeting the weirdest stuff. Retweet a girl with the Twitter handle “suNShIneFlorIdaGurl” when she tweets, “it’s so hot out today! :(” In fact, just retweet her entire tweetography. Your followers will think you’re having a nervous breakdown (the unfunny kind) and start unfollowing you immediately.
2. Tweet about really gross explicit things
People hate it when masturbation and poop gets tweeted about. I’m not really sure why (I love it!) but they will unfollow you if you ever get T.M.I. with them. I once tweeted about masturbation and poop in one tweet (imagine!) and all of a sudden, my Twitter became a ghost town. I think 20 people unfollowed me. I wanted to tweet, “Um, is anyone out there?” but ultimately decided against it. The cool thing about Twitter is that you get to see what people respond to and what they instantly reject. Sometimes you think a tweet will go over well, only to find out that it bombed, which makes you sit back and think, “Why did my tweet about being a Virgo get 30 retweets and my tweet about pooping in Soho only get one?” Better understanding humanity one tweet at a time.
3. Tweet too much
This is the most obvious way to get someone to unfollow you. If you tweet every 20 minutes, people will get annoyed and run away screaming. For me, this website is meant to be used as a collection of your wittiest thoughts but most tweeters obviously don’t agree with me. They use it to update their every move (“at whole foods getting some food….at home unwinding…..bored at home….going to bed”). Unless these people are famous, they will never have a lot of followers so just follow their hideous example if you ever want to shed some virtual weight.
4. Tweet @ your friends with inside jokes no one else will understand
Twitter can sometimes feel like a high school cafeteria. You join and start tweeting, but you’re not sure which table you should sit at. You have the comedy writers who have like 8 million followers and won’t even dare follow you/tweet at you, you have nightlife personalities who just tweet about which club they’re going to that night and then you have everyone else existing in virtual subcultures. People who have medium followings on Twitter can sometimes be the worst because they think they’re famous enough for people to care about the inside jokes and activities they do with their BFF. “Going with the dark crew to the MoMa opening.” Dark crew? Who’s that? Who are YOU? Where am I? If you want people to unfollow you, just use your Twitter as a place to communicate with your friends in ways that most people won’t understand.
5. Post a lot of links to news stories
Some people use Twitter as a place to share interesting links, which is great, I love that for them, but it might come off as dull to the average follower. Posting the fifth article from The New York Times about brainwaves is really going to turn some people off so do it! Link away! Maybe even include a lot of stories about politics. Politics and Twitter are like weird awkward enemies. Mention the crappy economy and Obama and you’re bound to lose a few people.