1. “Don’t tell anyone about this!”
This has never happened to me before (thank god) but it’s happened to one of my friends. I mean, I can’t even believe that such things are said during such an intimate act. “Don’t tell anyone about this?” Really? Okay, let me just get my megaphone now and post naked pics of you on my Facebook. How about that? It’s like, who do you think you are making me feel like a dirty secret? I’m not Grendel and you’re not Brad Pitt so get over it. The only time it’s acceptable to say this is when you’re hooking up with someone who’s in the closet, and even then it’s like, “Not even my best friend? Beb!”
2. “How old are you again?”
Honey, if you don’t know someone’s age by the time you’re hooking up with them, you don’t want to know.
3. “Can you, like, take a shower?”
Okay, this one is real and has sort of happened to me. One guy I was hooking up with pretty regularly asked me to wash my FEET so I wouldn’t ruin his white sheets. In his defense, it was summer and I was wearing boat shoes with no socks on, so yeah, maybe my feet were channeling The Boxcar Children, but you’re not allowed to just interrupt a hook up and ask such things. It deletes your boner and sends you into an immediate shame spiral about yourself. I acquiesced to his demand though. Not because I actually cared about his sheets, but because I was wasted and really horny. As I stood there in the shower, I remember thinking to myself, “Yeah, this isn’t a good scene. This is a low point.”
4. “When’s the last time you were tested?”
Okay, you should ask this when you’re hooking up with someone because STD’s are a real and very scary thing. However, I feel like people ask this as a substitute for wearing actual protection, which is just stupid. No one with an erection is going to answer honestly. They’re not going to be like, “Well, funny you should ask because just recently I tested positive for….” No, they’re going to say whatever they have to in order to get their privates inside your privates ASAP.
5. “I love you”
Saying “I love you” during a hook up with your serious BF/GF is cute and sweet. Saying it to someone you don’t really love and/or know is just weird. But it happens! The premature “I love you” is a real issue. The thing is that it’s super easy to love someone when they’re making your body explode with pleasure. It’s after the fact that it gets complicated. They’ll ask, “Did you really mean what you said earlier when we were hooking up? Do you love me?” And then what are you going to say to that, huh? You’re trapped. Good luck finding an exit.