5 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone During A Hook Up

1. “Don’t tell anyone about this!”

This has never happened to me before (thank god) but it’s happened to one of my friends. I mean, I can’t even believe that such things are said during such an intimate act. “Don’t tell anyone about this?” Really? Okay, let me just get my megaphone now and post naked pics of you on my Facebook. How about that? It’s like, who do you think you are making me feel like a dirty secret? I’m not Grendel and you’re not Brad Pitt so get over it. The only time it’s acceptable to say this is when you’re hooking up with someone who’s in the closet, and even then it’s like, “Not even my best friend? Beb!”

2. “How old are you again?”

Honey, if you don’t know someone’s age by the time you’re hooking up with them, you don’t want to know.

3. “Can you, like, take a shower?”

Okay, this one is real and has sort of happened to me. One guy I was hooking up with pretty regularly asked me to wash my FEET so I wouldn’t ruin his white sheets. In his defense, it was summer and I was wearing boat shoes with no socks on, so yeah, maybe my feet were channeling The Boxcar Children, but you’re not allowed to just interrupt a hook up and ask such things. It deletes your boner and sends you into an immediate shame spiral about yourself. I acquiesced to his demand though. Not because I actually cared about his sheets, but because I was wasted and really horny. As I stood there in the shower, I remember thinking to myself, “Yeah, this isn’t a good scene. This is a low point.”

4. “When’s the last time you were tested?”

Okay, you should ask this when you’re hooking up with someone because STD’s are a real and very scary thing. However, I feel like people ask this as a substitute for wearing actual protection, which is just stupid. No one with an erection is going to answer honestly. They’re not going to be like, “Well, funny you should ask because just recently I tested positive for….” No, they’re going to say whatever they have to in order to get their privates inside your privates ASAP.

5. “I love you”

Saying “I love you” during a hook up with your serious BF/GF is cute and sweet. Saying it to someone you don’t really love and/or know is just weird. But it happens! The premature “I love you” is a real issue. The thing is that it’s super easy to love someone when they’re making your body explode with pleasure. It’s after the fact that it gets complicated. They’ll ask, “Did you really mean what you said earlier when we were hooking up? Do you love me?” And then what are you going to say to that, huh? You’re trapped. Good luck finding an exit. TC mark

image – Malcolm Jackson

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    5. AKA The Ted Mosby


    HAA, the boxcar children. Luv u beb.

  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    Saying “I Love You” to ANYONE is a bad idea.

    • Guestropod


    • Shit!


    • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

      Nah, my wife and daughter both appreciate it.

  • Guest

    Also banned:
    “Do you… er… want me to go down on you? (uncomfortable expression)”
    Grabbing the boobs & saying “honk honk!”
    “Do you like it when I play with your bum hole?”
    (these have actually happened to me… during the same hook-up)


    • What


  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Short, sweet and to the point. Love.

  • http://twitter.com/the_angelone Jill Angelone

    I had a guy tell me once that he hated his father for giving him a small penis. If that doesn’t turn someone off, I don’t know what does.

    • Guestropod

      Hahahaha!  Wow.

    • guesting

      How little was it? And what the fuck did you say back to him?

    • Te.

      This made me laugh so hard!

  • David Moon

    The polite way to get someone with dirty feet to take a shower is to take it with them. See this sexy common courtesy, gentlemen? It could all be yours.

  • harley quinn

    i’m sadly guilty of all these things….

  • Melissa

    Your mention of The Boxcar Children series in this piece is beyond excellent.

  • Melissa

    Your mention of The Boxcar Children series in this piece is beyond excellent.

  • Melissa

    Your mention of The Boxcar Children series in this piece is beyond excellent.

  • Anonymous


  • F

    Im guilty of #3… a couple times actually.

    Don’t dangle your balls in my face if you’ve been running around all day sweating and pissing and didn’t feel the need to wash it off before presenting it to me. I will ask “Can you go wash yourself, please?” and you will reply “Are you serious?” then i will follow with “Yes!…are you serious?”…  You walk away but come back 2min later smelling like Dove. Granted, your penis has shriveled up in all its shame but it’ll be fun working on it :)Nothing wrong with calling someone out if they lack the courtesy to ‘freshen up’… in fact, its just plain RUDE and they DESERVE to feel shame.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=46601588 Meghan McCrimmon

    The Boxcar Children in reference to body odor = gold star!

  • Susu Says

    how about ” I don’t want you to have sex with anyone else every again!” 

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