5 Things I Will Never Do On The Internet

1. Pay for porn

Whenever I stumble upon a site that requires me to pay in order to view porn, I shout to my screen “RUDE BOY” and move on. I’m sorry but masturbating should cost no $$$. There are so many amazing websites out there that let me orgasm at no cost. Why would I ever pay?

2. Date

Never say never (by Brandy) but as of this moment, I have yet to actually use a website like OkCupid to go on a date. Why? Because I’m weird and old-fashioned and want to meet someone while fighting over the last banana at a grocery store. Don’t judge! Let me experience my 24-year-old optimism and stubbornness while I still can, okay? I’m actually envious of the people who can do it. It’s very brave to meet some random offline and risk being judged. It gives me heart palpations just typing about it.

3. Use Foursquare

Who? What? When? Where? Why? Foursquare, I don’t get you. I don’t get why people want everyone to know they’re checking into California Pizza Kitchen or the mall or Walgreens. Those are my private boring activities. Plus, whenever I think of Foursquare, I think of places you shouldn’t check into like Planned Parenthood or your ex-boyfriend’s house.

4. Update my Livejournal

I kept a Livejournal for eight #dark years and it’s safe to say that those daze are over. I tried updating it awhile ago but found myself physically unable to. My fingers just stopped working and my body was like, “Um, sorry. You can’t. You’re cut off from blogging about polaroids and sushi.” Sometimes I wish I still led a life that made sense for Livejournal but those moments are few and far between.

5. Write a mean comment about an article

Before I started working for the internet, I had never left a comment (good or bad) on anything before. I remember when I interned for this big blog two years ago, they made sign up to be a commenter and I was like, “Why? No.” and never did it. I just didn’t see the point. Commenters had become so stigmatized and could be so harsh. I didn’t want to add to the storm. I also just never felt the desire to tell some writer dude how I felt, especially if those feelings were negative. Feeling them myself was obviously enough. But, you know, obviously the cheese stands alone with this one. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • Anon

    But when can I intern for Thought Catalog?

    • Paladin0037

      Be critical right nao !

  • http://www.facebook.com/tommydelgreco Thomas Del Greco

    Amen! Except for number 2, which I still try out from time to time. Sigh…my poor, neglected LiveJournal.

  • Jessica

    Ryan O’Connell I think your articles are fantastic!

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles


  • Anonymous

    Sometimes writing mean replies are necessary on the other commentators sections. My contrary nature cannot be restrained sometimes.

  • http://twitter.com/RVLouie Rick Louie

    Nice about the commenting. On HuffPo today there was an article about finding the skull of a 20 Million year old ape ancestor. It took 3 posts to relate that somehow to politics, and 4 to relate it to god. 

    …. Say something substantive or nothing at all. 

  • SippyCup

    So when you post 15 internet dating articles back to back in the near future I guess we can assume you joined OKCupid?

  • Brononymous

    link to ryan o’conn livejournal please

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    One positive benefit of being in bio is learning not to feel the pain of evisceration.  I mean, it sucks receiving negative feedback, but you contemplate it, address it, and wait for more negative feedback.  At least I haven’t had to deal with personal attacks…now I’ll wait for attacks on my character to ensue. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    i’m with you on the e-dating thing.


  • Sallie Maybie

    I don’t know WHY I want to comment. It’s a weird thing to do and something I never saw myself doing. But now I’m an avid Guest commenter on all kinds of shit, and sometimes I come back and even stalk my comments for more comments and likes! It feels like unhealthy behavior, but I think it may have something to do with my status as a bored and unemployed person. Jesus now look at the size of this comment.

  • dip

    #5 is just baiting us, come on.

    • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

      “hashtag 5”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=504951716 Tau Zaman

    I don’t mind criticism, or even harsh and uncalled-for comments anymore. If you’re being a douche, I’ll tell you, but there was a time in my life when I used to care a whole lot what people thought about me: it was called high school, and it sucked and wasn’t healthy at all. So now I’m pretty Zen about most things. =)

  • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

    Outside of outright trolling “mean” is often subjective, but fine, don’t write something “mean” but at least attempt commenting/interacting somewhere at some point —  the community and in/output that commenting creates is as important to the medium as whatever you just published to it may or may not be. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Fields/100000625951408 Jordan Fields

    I could go on and on about my okcupid horror stories

    • Anonymous

      do it 

  • Burger King

    You don’t need to update your Livejournal because I guess you have Thought Catalog articles for that now.

    • Burger King

      Sorry bro, it was just too easy :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    Agreed. The internet has enough negativity in it. No need to add to anything further to that nasty brew.

blog comments powered by Disqus