Thought Catalog

5 Surefire Ways To Get Dumped

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Are you in a bogus relationship and need an exit strategy? Never fear! Here are some surefire ways to get your ass dumped. No wants to be the dumper so save yourself some guilt by acting like an insane crazy person!

1. Don’t act distant!

This is a common mistake many people make when trying to get dumped. They give their significant other the cold shoulder and treat them like crap, hoping it will give them no choice but to do the dumping themselves. WRONG! When you do this, you’re forgetting something very important about people, which is a lot of us have low self-esteem and like to love someone who’s emotionally unavailable! By becoming distant, you’re basically giving them free boners and fueling the relationship. When someone stops loving us, it’s our first instinct to try to salvage things. So go ahead, try to ignore our texts because we’ll just keep on sending them until you finally have to do the dirty deed yourself, you coward!

2. Refuse to have sex

Okay, this passive-agressive behavior actually works. Abstain from having sex with you partner by giving a variety of excuses {“I’m too tired” or “I’m just not feeling it, beb!”) and they will feel so undesirable that they’ll be forced to pull the plug. It’s not fun when your BF/GF makes you feel like The Loch Ness Monster. Your sudden disinterest in seeing them naked will send them so far into a shame spiral, you’ll be clicking “Single” on your Facebook profile in no time. P.S. if you actually do this, you’re a terrible person.

3. Agree with everything your BF/GF says!

Ugh, there’s nothing worse than a super agreeable person. Relationships thrive on differences so if you ever want to annoy your BF/GF says, just start agreeing with everything that comes out of their mouth.

Them: I love babyback ribs!
You: Me too, beb.
Them: Um, you’re vegan.
You: I don’t care. If you love them, I love them! Anything for you….
Them: (PANICKING) Well, then I also love it when animals are routinely slaughtered for human consumption. Like I’m obsessed with it. It’s sort of my favorite thing!
You: Totally. That’s why I love eating veal. It’s the most inhumane.
Them: When have you ever eaten veal? Are you insane? Who are you?! Where did the real you go?!!
You: I’m right here, beb.
Them: You’re weird and I hate you.
You: I know. I’m a terrible person.

Ha! Good luck finding a map to get out of that argument! Bye………

4. Play *NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” whenever they enter the room

Start dropping hints that you’re over it by playing the ultimate kiss off song whenever they enter a room, duh! When your BF/GF asks you why you’ve been listening to “Bye Bye Bye” so much, just be like, “I want it to be our wedding song!” If they haven’t gotten the memo after a period of time, they’ll dump you anyway for being so annoying and/or because they think you might be gay.

5. Become a stoner

Stoners make for terrible boyfriends and girlfriends. Start smoking a lot of weed and force them to watch hours of Family Guy and it will definitely send them over the relationship edge. Look at them longingly and pretend like you’re about to say something super romantic. Be like, “Honey….” and they’ll respond excitedly, “Yes?!!” Take a pregnant pause and ask “Do you think aliens exist and do you have any crackers?” Bye. You’re done. Consider this the remix of that Pink song “U + Ur Hand” and call it “U + Ur Bong.” TC mark

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  • Summer

    Well-played. Going to do all five at the same time next time I need to can someone’s ass.

  • Jay


  • Christina A.

    Stoners do make horrible boyfriends. That is absolutely correct.
    /knows from life experience

    • Guest

      unless you date another stoner, and then it is great. or bad. where’s the bowl

      • NoSexCity

        +1. There’s a difference between someone who smokes a lot of weed and someone who, like, *IS* weed, y’know?

      • Christina A.

         I’ll never date another stoner.

  • Ziiiiing

    stop trying to make ‘beb’ happen

    • padface

      Stop trying to make zing happen.

  • Annie Highley-Smith

    Thank you Ryan O’Connell.  Without your advice, I’d surely be single at this very moment.

  • Brandon h

    You can thank Dennis Miller for “Beb”. I don’t mind stoners, have a family full of them (literally everyone except me, I’m the black sheep), so i don’t think that would work on me.

  • Joe Ott

    Get addicted to heroin, it does 80% of these at once!

    • ANON

      it plays N’Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye”? Where do I procure such marvelous brown stuff?

  • Tanya Salyers

    number three is fantastic! 

  • a.

    I’m doing this tonight. You’re probably gonna start a fight. I know this can’t be right…

  • NoSexCity

    Being distant NEVER works, yet strikes me as the most direct way (aside from actually being direct) to tell someone you’re over it. Bummer.

  • David

    This article is much much better. For #2, I think you’re not a terrible person if the person you’re dating thinks sex once every other month is casual, then not having sex with them and immediately looking for another person is mandatory. #5 works like a charm, but then you turn into a pothead.

  • A.

    omg #4 is so funny

    • A.

      also dating a stoner is gr8 if you are a stoner, you know, similar interests

  • karl liebhardt

    No. 1 is really cruel and typical.  The other person doesn’t deserve that treatment and goes through hell before it works.  But in the end you get someone who now resents the hell out of you for….”carrying your baggage but acting as if it’s theirs.”  Own up to your decisions and make it as swift and painless as possible so they can move on.

  • J_fitzherbert

    #5 is a matter of opinion. Currently in a relationship is a “stoner” and its the best relationship I’ve ever had. 

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