Why Everyone Needs A Party Foul Friend

Party fouls are hopeless. They miss all of their social cues, fail to be perceptive, and accidentally annoy everyone around them with their chronic oversharing. Every time they show up to a social gathering, a giant hush falls over the room and they just can’t seem to understand why. They just give a look back to the crowd that seems to say, “Y IS IT SO QUIET? OH MY GOD, HI GUYS! BEST FRIENDS! MY PARTNERS IN CRIME! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” They then barrel towards an unsuspecting clique of people for a bear hug. “I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE. I TRIED TEXTING YOU BUT I NEVER HEARD BACK. PEOPLE MUST GET NO RECEPTION UP HERE!”

Party fouls are, in theory, terrifying people no one actually wants to hang out with. They’re the friend you always try to ditch but somehow always manages to tag along to everything. When you go to a house party, you must warn the host, “Listen, I’m bringing Party Foul. Is that okay? I can’t get rid of them!” The host then groans and is like, “Are you serious? Last time they came to my house, they puked on my rug and talked about their dead grandmother for four hours!” You always act put out by the party foul because they’re pretty much the worst thing ever. But they can also sort of be the best thing ever. You see, party fouls mostly exist in high school and college. After that, you get a job and a dog and a boyfriend and only have time to hang out with people you actually like. There is no room for a party foul at 25. You leave that shit behind at your last college party. But when you’re 16, 20, maybe even 23, you have nothing but time for insane people in your life. You can totally squeeze in a hang out sesh with the girl who tried to tell you about the time she may have almost gotten raped within the first five minutes of meeting her. Why? Because you’re bored and Abnormal Psych isn’t for another hour. Sorry!

We say we don’t like party fouls and wish they never came to our parties, but I think that’s a lie. Like recreational drugs and a Missy Elliott song, party fouls are a crucial ingredient to any successful party. They’ll say boneheaded things, do something really embarrassing like try to get lesbian with some chick in the bathroom, and subsequently give people something to talk about for the next three social gatherings. “Remember when Party Foul told me that she thought we were soul sisters at Derek’s party and then proceeded to touch my boob? What a freak! I hate her! Let’s talk about her for another hour, k?”

When you’re in high school and college, you are constantly looking for things and people to talk about. You need something to fill the silences at brunch; you need someone to make you feel better about yourself. And that’s the Party Foul’s job—to make you feel normal, well-adjusted, and like you’re doing things right. It’s screwed up, but it’s also just because you’re young and living in a fishbowl. Eventually you’ll grow out of it and not need to be surrounded by crazy people to make yourself feel good.

And what happens to the party foul? Without a kegger to attend, they wander aimlessly, clicking Refresh on their Facebook page in hopes they’ll find an event invitation. They never got the memo that no one liked them and if they did, they wouldn’t be a party foul. Because knowing their place would indicate some sort of perceptiveness, which would mean that they sort of “get it”, and party fouls are not allowed to “get it.” Their oblivious behavior is what makes them so fascinating and appalling. So instead, they just live their lives blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

I advise everyone to purge themselves of all party foul friends. Give them a chance to be happy and stay at home. TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=49300307 Andrea Nero

    maybe its my lack of caffeine at near 3pm, but every time I saw “party foul,” I read it as “Paul Frank” and had to correct myself.

  • Anonymous

    Was the title of this post wrong? because the title juxtaposed with “I advise everyone to purge themselves of all party foul friends. Give them a chance to be happy and stay at home” does not a concluding paragraph make.  Great article, but a little confusing.  How am i supposed to blindly follow you when i dont know what you want me to do?

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    in the interests of fairness someone should repost this whole article with the words ‘party foul’ replaced by ‘black person’ 

    via https://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-difference-between-a-writer-and-someone-who-writes/#comment-249400587

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    this article is wonderful.
    Not gonna lie, I’m sometimes a party foul. But maybe that’s why we all kind of secretly keep the real party fouls around?

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    my nickname from ages 17-21 was Alkee. I was party foul. no one calls me now

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    You’ve reminded me of why I’m so happy to be 26…well, this and listening to young co-workers prattle on about the cheap beer they had and the fake ID they used to get it. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    You’ve reminded me of why I’m so happy to be 26…well, this and listening to young co-workers prattle on about the cheap beer they had and the fake ID they used to get it. 

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