Ways To Cool Down During A Heatwave

Experiencing a heatwave is like getting a glimpse of your future in eternal damnation. You become so profoundly disgusted with yourself and everyone around you, and want nothing more than the frigid temperatures and frostbitten fingers of the winter. Never fear though. Here are some ways to chill out.

Don’t go outside. Ever. Stay in your apartment in your underwear with your head in the freezer. Make status updates that say “BRB. Putting my head in my freezer.” Get 10,000 “likes”. Listen to lots of Bjork and think of Iceland and how it has the word ice in it and ice is really cold. Imagine being submerged in an ice bucket by an eskimo and have a head chill. You’re almost there, babe. Think it. Dream it. Be it.

If you have to go outside, locate a busted fire hydrant and push all of the kids out of the way so you can soak in the water. “Move, you little no-neck monsters! Mommy needs to cool down, mmkay?” Afterwards, saunter off to a bar and insult everyone there just so you can get drinks thrown in your face. Being attacked will have never felt so refreshing.

Random Girl: What did you call me?
You: An incurable STD. Now please throw your gin and tonic in my face. I’m so hot, OMG!

Don’t touch anyone ever. I don’t care if you’re Ryan Gosling in a loincloth, if you come near me I will scream bloody murder. You become very aware of your body in a heatwave. Every crevice and fat pocket takes center stage. Your body is basically putting you on blast. It shows its true disgusting colors when it’s 100 degrees out. It says to you, “Oh, you think you’re sexy? Watch me sweat in unimaginable places. I will melt your damn face off, okay?” Ugh, your body is such a diva when it’s hot.

Don’t masturbate. That will make you sweat on an average day so imagine what it will be like during a heatwave. Fancy yourself to be a monk basically. No sex, no masturbation, and no drugs or alcohol either because they also make you sweat and dehydrate you. If you’re scared you’re going to give into temptation, tie your hands behind your back. Be naked with no use of your hands. Pray your roommate doesn’t walk in on you and see what you’ve been reduced to.

Find someone who has a weekend house and kiss their ass. Call exes, old classmates, anyone. “Hi beb! I know, it’s been forever! What’s new with you? More importantly, what hasn’t changed? Still have that house in Montauk?!” Make it seem like you’re inviting them to their own weekend home. This is tricky but you can and will do anything in a heatwave.

If all of this fails, just move to Southern California. You won’t ever get uncomfortable there. They freak out when it’s over 80 degrees or below 70. TC mark

image – Dennis Jemberg

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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  • Eliot Rose

    “Ryan Gosling in a loincloth.”  Now I’m even hotter.  Thanks a lot, Ryan.  :oP

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Or…embrace the heatwave by listening to some Linda Ronstadt,  Martha & the Vandellas, or the soundtrack to Sister Act, whatever floats your boat.

    It’s like a heatwave

    Burning in my heart

    Can’t keep from crying

    It’s tearing me apart

    • Megan

      Martha is the perfect warm weather music

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        I’m more of a Linda Ronstadt man.  

      • Guesty

        Linda rules

  • saritapatrice

    I live in south Texas. As south as you can go and still be in America. It’s in the triple digits daily. Seriously. You learn to cope…

    • Michelle

      Yea, it’s in the triple digits today in NYC too…

    • Guesty

      Brownsville???

  • MCHAMMER

    75 in LA, wish it was like 73 though…..

    • Laurel

      So true, and I’d appreciate it if the clouds from my office window would move so I’d have a better view of the mountains

  • Nicki

    Or move to Texas and get used to it. Also almost everyone in Texas has a swimming pool in their backyard!

  • http://www.facebook.com/hannaraddness Hanna Nichole Mullins

    I like to swim in heatwaves lmao. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/hannaraddness Hanna Nichole Mullins

    I like to swim in heatwaves lmao. 

  • http://twitter.com/Maxxx_Attaxxx Max Markham

    So basically don’t #touchmybody ?

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    I’ve never missed Los Angeles as much as I do right now. UGH.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    I’ve never missed Los Angeles as much as I do right now. UGH.

  • Jazzy

    My heat index is 121. The AC in my car and house don’t know how to handle this. It’s 82 degrees in the house and that’s not OK. Why would I want to get used to this?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    If I had gin and tonic thrown at me… Free drink! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    ugh canada is not supposed to be like this, fuck. i’m just standing in the puddle where my igloo used to be

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    I hate Chicago weather! Never nice. :(

  • scin

    “no-neck monsters”! that’s a Cat On A Hot Tin Roof reference!
    oh ryan, every day you are more and more a man after my own heart!

  • http://twitter.com/henryevil andrew

    Ice cold bath while watching My Strange Addiction on my precariously placed laptop does the trick for me.

  • Miranda

    Oh whatever. Try living in Arizona, where a day below 110 in the summer is cool. You can feel your skin burning the second you step outside. And you learn to cope and stop whining.

    • Guesty

      Or you just keep whining.  I know I never stopped.

  • vee

    i live on the equator. where we don’t have seasons. it’s hot all year round. 

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