Being faux goth is cool. If you even wear the slightest bit of black, you can be like, “Oh my god, I’m so goth today for wearing a black shirt. The Craft inspired my look today obviously.” and people will understand what you mean and think you’re super hip. 2011 is all about pretending you’re a gothic freak when you really might just be the most normal person on the planet. Oh, and real goths are still uncool.
Talking about your dog or cat as if they’re a person is cool and sort of endearing. You can make them their own Facebook page and even get married to them. Having a pet in your twenties means you’re well-adjusted and have figured things out. You’re healthy now. You buy pet food and go on hikes with it. You’re a real grown up and you have the photos to prove it.
Using poor grammar and abbreviations is cool because you’re actually smart. It’s ironic. Yeah, you wrote all these academic papers in college but online, you just wanna type to your friends, “where r u? cum over? omg miss u so much!” It’s funny!
Listening to music from your childhood in earnest is really cool. Little did you know that No Strings Attached by *NSYNC was a really good pop record. Same goes for Blink-182 and Third Eye Blind.
Being hyperbolic is really cool. Saying a sentence with “all i wanna do is…” or “all i care about is…” DRAMATIC. COOL.
Being uncool is really cool. Everyone wants to be Jane or Daria, not Quinn Morgendorffer. Rayanne Graff is your icon and Sharon Cherski is just really embarrassing.
Knowing things is cool. Everyone wants to know everything these days. Being stupid/not in on the joke is a fate worse than death! You’re constantly commenting on the ridiculousness that’s going on around you. You would hate to be the one that’s ridiculous. You get it!
Being gay is cool. Heterosexuality is like this weird burden now that people just want to get rid of. I really feel for their pain.
Behaving like a bratty teenager when you’re actually 25 is the coolest. Seriously. Just try it. Everyone will love you! Peter Pan Syndrome is the thing to have these days. Just remember to openly gush about how much you love your parents this time around.
Being single and wanting to be in a relationship is cool. Actually getting into a relationship is not cool though. People will just think you’ve become boring and will remove you from their feeds.
Moving to Portland and being unemployed is cool. Rejecting New York or L.A. for a smaller city is great because it’s unpredictable and less obvious.
I don’t know why dressing like a goth and owning pets and being a bratty diva is cool. But it is. So we must respect it and follow the rules accordingly. Okay?