Thought Catalog

The Secret Lives Of Gay Men

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Boys love each other like this: shirts off, blue jeans, smoking a joint in bed maybe listening to some old records. They’ll take their fingertips across each other’s chests, down arms, and almost to the penis. They’ll circle it curiously and then either go for the plunge or shy away. They’ll bury their heads into someone else’s arms and have their hair stroked. It will feel like you’re getting shampooed at some fancy salon and you won’t ever want them to stop. Boys love each other like that.

Boys love each other when they’re wrestling. It’s a thing amongst gay men. We use our aggression, beat each other up and then switch gears when we feel the need to get all tender and soft. It feels strange—switching seamlessly from physical aggression to absolute devotion and tenderness—but it’s what lives inside us. We tread those lines constantly. We want to punch you hard on the arm and then hold you tight.

Boys break down each other’s walls. It’s an exercise in patience, getting a man to surrender to you, but when they do, their body explodes with feelings. They lock themselves up and when someone finally opens the floodgates, a whole lot of everything comes out. They’re a piñata and you’re carrying the bat.

People always seem to marvel at men who unravel and show their sensitive sides. A woman delights at seeing such a change. It’s such a victory to see a male become unchained to their machismo. When it happens between two men, however, it’s truly magnificent. The sight of two boys loving each other like they’ve been taught not to do is a revelation.

We know what you think of us. We know that there’s this image of gay men just being detached and hungry for sex. There is that. There is a lot of that. But there’s also thoughtfulness, concern, monogamy, Sunday afternoons in bed, I love you babe, I love you a lot, and you make me so happy. There’s so much of that and it’s never really talked about. It’s the secret lives of boys who love boys. Let’s blow the lid off of it, okay? Let’s expose every sweet moment, every kissed neck, every intense hand holding session. It’s super progressive to treat us like loving human beings rather than horny animals, isn’t it? So progressive. TC mark

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    • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

      Ryan your shit is so fucking quality.

    • Anonymous

      one of your best!

    • Sebastian E.

      Definitely one of your best.

    • Edouard

      Thank you for this. 

    • AGayGuy

      “We know that there’s this image of gay men just being detached and hungry for sex. There is that. There is a lot of that. But there’s also thoughtfulness, concern, monogamy, Sunday afternoons in bed, I love you babe, I love you a lot, and you make me so happy”

      I have to say, as a gay guy, I’ve encountered far too much of the former from dudes and none of the latter. I’m getting kind of jaded. So thank you for this.

    • douchegirl

      I wish I knew how to quit you!

    • grace

      Lovely.

    • Brie

      This is so sweet

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1565520016 T.J. Henderson

      Love this.. a LOT!

    • vejrubia

      Thank you.

      Sometimes I feel stupid for being a romantic.  Sometimes I feel like I should just sell-out and become a big gay slut, but nope. 

      I’d rather have the Sunday afternoons in bed and the stroking of hair.

      • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

        i stand in solidarity.

    • Dpr

      Dan Savage needs to be hit over the head with this nice little piece. He sucks for making everyone believe we all think like the anti- “monogamish” little pecker in his pants.

    • keypad

      thanks for putting a smile on a face that is writing copy in the office late on a Friday afternoon.

    • Alicia_o

      Dumb people are dumb. 

    • Clowve

      I get on TC just to look for Ryan’s work. Fucking ACE.

      • Bryan

        Me too haha

    • Lindsey Baker

      I love everything about this.

    • Clare Ramon

      Just get your own site already. 

    • http://twitter.com/cooltay105 Tay D.

      Beautiful article, Ryan. And completely and utterly true. 

    • Anonymous

      OK the first paragraph of this is too sexy

    • Alex

      I really appreciated this. Thank you.

    • Grant Sorenson

      Ended too soon.

    • http://www.facebook.com/matthew.ballek Matthew Ballek

      So cute.  This is what I’m waiting for.

    • Anti-Climacus

      I want to punch you hard on the arm, and then hold you tight so I can punch you hard in the face. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      …and then you have those whose secret life consists of a devotion to science and a career, mere distractions,  with a secret yearning for a profound relationship to another.  Friday nights are spent drinking gin rickeys while contemplating life.    I’m not talking about my drunken self, of course. 

      • mkBlondie

        that’s so sad.  I follow stories to see if you commented and this is the first -serious comment you’ve posted.  you seem like a nice fellow.  love you

      • mkBlondie

        that’s so sad.  I follow stories to see if you commented and this is the first -serious comment you’ve posted.  you seem like a nice fellow.  love you

    • leslienico

      God, this was so beautiful. It has to be said that the opposite  is witnessed so often, especially here in Chelsea. This was so real, passionate and deep. And I loved every word.

    • http://mannaarie.tumblr.com/ Manna Arie

      This shit isn’t secret. Now I’m pissed!!!!! I wanted a secret goddamit fucckkk!!!! Lighting pleather couches on fire!!

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