The Next Time You Have Sex With Someone

The next time you have sex with someone, it’s going to be the best sex of your life. Promise. You’re going to be with someone who you just crave. There’s a real difference between finding someone attractive and wanting to fuck the shit out of them. It’s easy to forget because we spend so much time sleeping with “cute” people, the adorable ones. No, there will be no more of that. Next time you have sex, it’s going to be with someone who’s sexy and you will want to jump their bones.

The next time you have sex with someone, it’s going to make you oh so very happy. You’ll shout it from the mountaintops, “Guess who finally got some?” It’s going to be insane how good you’ll feel afterwards. In fact, it might even freak you out a little. Should sex make you this happy? Is it the point of life? Well, I guess it is quite literally. As you get older and start having more and more sex, you begin to understand how essential it is to your happiness. Good sex keeps everything balanced. It chills you the fuck out and is as necessary as water or a Real Housewives reunion.

The next time you have sex with someone, you’re going to have the best sex playlist. You always mean to have one playing but you get…distracted. This time, you’re playing the damn thing. Massive Attack, Portishead, maybe some Iggy Pop in the very beginning. It will sound so good when you’re rolling around in bed with someone. You can even have a little sex dance!

The next time you have sex with someone, you’re going to do that thing you always have wanted to do. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t even pretend to be coy right now. You usually get so shy and refrain from telling your partner about your sex fantasies. But not this time. You’re going to feel comfortable with this person, comfortable enough to explore new sexual territory. There will be no judgements coming from either party. It’s shocking how rare this is to find.

The next time you have sex with someone won’t be the last time. In fact, there will be a lot more. I’m telling you this to make you feel okay and to help you understand that you’re desirable and going to see a lot of naked bodies in your lifetime. In a perfect world, the next time you have sex with someone will be the absolute best time. This person will be the greatest sex of your life and your body will practically shatter in ecstasy. Your toes will curl, okay? You won’t be thinking about an errand you have to run or the fact that you need to do laundry. Your mind won’t wander. It will stay focused on penis penis in my vagina vagina or vice versa. TC mark

image – dno1967b

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Asdf

    The next time I have sex with someone, I will be reading this article again.

  • Dop

    That was my mood today. 

  • simbel

    I’m in a very-long-distance monogamous relationship; the next time is going to be many, many months from now. Shit. Should probably not be reading articles like this.

    • Anonymous

      Naaa, reading this should make you long for it, you know?

      • simbel

        Um, that’s kinda the problem? Duh.

      • simbel

        Um, that’s kinda the problem? Duh.

    • Anonymous

      So am I. FUUUUCK.


    You didn’t happen to see last night’s episode of “Louie” did you? Because this is the perfect antidote to what that poor sap went through. 

  • Ang

    Goddammit. Now I regret choosing sleeping+cuddling over having potential mindblowing sex with hot tattooed stranger last weekend. euahjlbkhawq.

  • rnmr

    hey try this

  • danielle garza

    Is this my horoscope?

  • Guesto

    Does it have to be sex with a person?

    • T-Bagger

      Fuck you Guesto. YOu sick perverted little bastard. Im guna chop you up in 5 pieces. My little 4 yr old goes on this site and is now asking about the words “sex with a person” with a ? and sick thoughts. You spoiled my poor bitch. Yo. Fuck yourself, gueso.

      • YEpp

        you probs already ruined her when you let her click on an article entitled ‘The Next Time You Have Sex With Someone’. just saying.

  • Guesto

    Does it have to be sex with a person?

  • Anonymous

    just broke up with my boyfriend last night
    so this is something to look forward to – woot!

  • MKD

    Good god. Write about something else!

  • Greg Petliski

    This website is making me sexually frustrated.

  • Ahmad Radheyyan

    thanks 8)

  • Sophia

    That was hot.

  • KT

    this is especially great to me because i was perfecting that very playlist last night. 

  • Bomi Oladosu

    Best fortune cookie EVER!

  • jennaG.

    This made me feel better. I’m going to hold you to these words, and if they turn out to be false I will find you in your New York City apartment and blow you.

    just kidding.

  • Brenda

    I thought i was the only one who thought having portishead ina sex playlist was sexy. 

  • appalled homosexual

    “penis penis in my vagina vagina or vice versa”? i guess you’ve been doing it the wrong way then. 

  • Anonymous  

  • Kellye

    I would just like to say that my “next time having sex” ended up getting us in trouble with the Wisconsin police. Thanks for the optimism, though.

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