The Kinds Of People You Might Be Jealous Of

You might be jealous of rich people. While you’re working three jobs to survive, you see pictures of The Peripheral Rich Friend show up on your Facebook news feed of their latest trip to Europe. The photos look faded in an expensive hipster way, like they came from a $1000 camera that purposely takes crappy pictures to look authentic. You get angry and sad while thinking about what it must be like to live a life full of traveling and eating fancy dinners and coming from “impressive genealogy” and not having to worry about rent and knowing that no matter how bad things get, you will always be financially taken care of. That seems like a dream right now. You wish you were The Peripheral Rich Friend who took these photos and made everyone jealous of them. Instead, you have an apostrophe in your last name and realized you just ran out of top ramen.

You wish you were that person who could always get into a relationship. You know, the type of person who has only been single for two weeks their entire life. In truth, it actually sounds miserable and you know they’re just incapable of being alone. But it still makes you envious. How can you even get in that many relationships? How can it be so easy? Do these people just subconsciously release messages that say, “Get in a LTR with me!” You would really like to know.

You might be jealous of the person with the perfect body. They can wear anything they want, have sex with anyone they want, and look amazing while doing it. They can even get the worst haircut imaginable and still look sexy. Meanwhile, you rely on good outfits and an expensive chic haircut to keep yourself in the adorable and cute category. Without it, you’re average looking. And whenever you’re sweating or are hungover, you actually look like crap.

If you’re a girl, you might be jealous of boys. You could be more invisible, earn more money, and pee standing up! You could also screw someone, which would feel amazing since men screw YOU all the time.

If you’re gay, you might be jealous of straight people. They can make out in public without fear of getting mauled and the dating scene seems easier. They having nothing to fight for besides your right to get married and ruin their lives!

If you’re smart, you might be jealous of stupid people. It seems like a cakewalk. You’d have less feelings and questions. Your life would be coupons, roasting marshmallows, and romantic comedies. You’d probably find love ASAP and live happily ever after.

You’re always going to be jealous of someone. I get it, being yourself sucks sometimes. But what you must realize is that we have no idea what it feels like for the rich stupid straight boy with the perfect body. They might be miserable! Okay, maybe not, but there’s a chance. It might make you feel better to know that at some point in your life, there is a 98% chance that someone will be jealous of you. Weird, right? It might be hard to believe but just think about yourself and your friends and how jealous everyone is of each other. It’s insane. The odds are in your favor that someone will want something you have at some point. And you can just look at this person in the eye and say in an exaggerated tone, “JEALOUSSSSS? JEALOUS OF MI SEXI BOD, SMART BRAIN, CUTICLES, TWITTER FOLLOWERS, PARENTS, MONEY, OR MY RELATIONSHIP? WELL, SORRY, IT’S MINE. KEEP ON BEIN’ JEALOUS THOUGH. MAKES ME FEEL REAL GOOD.” God, EVERYONE is jealous of you. So annoying! But you’re a fighter and they can’t take anything away! TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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