The Kinds Of People You Might Be Jealous Of

You might be jealous of rich people. While you’re working three jobs to survive, you see pictures of The Peripheral Rich Friend show up on your Facebook news feed of their latest trip to Europe. The photos look faded in an expensive hipster way, like they came from a $1000 camera that purposely takes crappy pictures to look authentic. You get angry and sad while thinking about what it must be like to live a life full of traveling and eating fancy dinners and coming from “impressive genealogy” and not having to worry about rent and knowing that no matter how bad things get, you will always be financially taken care of. That seems like a dream right now. You wish you were The Peripheral Rich Friend who took these photos and made everyone jealous of them. Instead, you have an apostrophe in your last name and realized you just ran out of top ramen.

You wish you were that person who could always get into a relationship. You know, the type of person who has only been single for two weeks their entire life. In truth, it actually sounds miserable and you know they’re just incapable of being alone. But it still makes you envious. How can you even get in that many relationships? How can it be so easy? Do these people just subconsciously release messages that say, “Get in a LTR with me!” You would really like to know.

You might be jealous of the person with the perfect body. They can wear anything they want, have sex with anyone they want, and look amazing while doing it. They can even get the worst haircut imaginable and still look sexy. Meanwhile, you rely on good outfits and an expensive chic haircut to keep yourself in the adorable and cute category. Without it, you’re average looking. And whenever you’re sweating or are hungover, you actually look like crap.

If you’re a girl, you might be jealous of boys. You could be more invisible, earn more money, and pee standing up! You could also screw someone, which would feel amazing since men screw YOU all the time.

If you’re gay, you might be jealous of straight people. They can make out in public without fear of getting mauled and the dating scene seems easier. They having nothing to fight for besides your right to get married and ruin their lives!

If you’re smart, you might be jealous of stupid people. It seems like a cakewalk. You’d have less feelings and questions. Your life would be coupons, roasting marshmallows, and romantic comedies. You’d probably find love ASAP and live happily ever after.

You’re always going to be jealous of someone. I get it, being yourself sucks sometimes. But what you must realize is that we have no idea what it feels like for the rich stupid straight boy with the perfect body. They might be miserable! Okay, maybe not, but there’s a chance. It might make you feel better to know that at some point in your life, there is a 98% chance that someone will be jealous of you. Weird, right? It might be hard to believe but just think about yourself and your friends and how jealous everyone is of each other. It’s insane. The odds are in your favor that someone will want something you have at some point. And you can just look at this person in the eye and say in an exaggerated tone, “JEALOUSSSSS? JEALOUS OF MI SEXI BOD, SMART BRAIN, CUTICLES, TWITTER FOLLOWERS, PARENTS, MONEY, OR MY RELATIONSHIP? WELL, SORRY, IT’S MINE. KEEP ON BEIN’ JEALOUS THOUGH. MAKES ME FEEL REAL GOOD.” God, EVERYONE is jealous of you. So annoying! But you’re a fighter and they can’t take anything away! TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • Barban

    I am jealous of the internet I hope I get to be like it someday

  • lia marie

    i’m jealous of stupid people but i also feel superior to 90% of humanity so it’s ok.

  • Aaron

    what about straight people being jealous of gay guys? 

  • Aaron

    what about straight people being jealous of gay guys? 

  • Jocelyn 'Cherry Bomb' Duncan

    This article is jealous of better articles. But other worse articles are jealous of it.

    • Anonymous

      This is neither the best article or the worst article. It is an article.

  • Tau Zaman

    I’m jealous of people with perfectly clear skin. And there are just so many of them. Statistically I’m told 85% of people suffer from acne, but I swear I’m the only one who ever has a zit on their forehead.

    • Guesty

      No, there are others like you!  I feel your pain.  

    • Dudebro

      Uh, yeah. We need to find everyone and start a shitty-face-skin-into-my-twenties, why-don’t-any-other-adults-look-like-this support group because I can never find you guys either.

      • Guesty


        the question that plagues me

    • Sammy G

      Right there with ya. Had one right between the eyes homecoming sophomore year.

  • Dom

    I’m jealous of your great writing Ryan

  • Dom

    I’m jealous of your great writing Ryan

    • Katherine Hatcher

      I was just about to say this. So so so true. I love how I can read an article without looking at the author first and instantly know it’s Ryan – because it’s so awesome.

      • Ryan O'Connell

        thanks you guys!

  • lala

    And Ryan, how do you do this? Have like 5 great ‘thoughts’ to catalog a day?

    • Ryan O'Connell

      i have too many feelings

  • frog styles

    This article reminds me perfectly of the story of the Stone Cutter from Benjamin Hoff’s The Tao of Pooh –

  • A.

    You’re right, Ryan. I’m jealous of your cuticles.

  • EarthToNichole

    I am jealous of people who get paid to write for blogs.

  • Caleb Reidy

    the grass is always greener on another side.

  • Bethany E Hall

    the grass might be greener, but the water/landscaper/property tax is probably higher.

  • Anonymous

    Ryan, you’re the only writer I know who can be feel-good without sounding like an inspirational coffee mug.


    • Ryan O'Connell

      thats a very nice compliment. thank you!

  • simbel

    Gah, that “rich stupid straight boy with the perfect body”. Fuck ’em. I’m happy to be me. Thanks Ryan!

  • Bealtaine

    Ryan,er, mr. O’connell-i may have picked this up wrong but maybe not.when you gave out about the peripheral rich friend  you gave out about having an apostrophe in your name and not having an impressive lineage.This is where I have the problem-you’re an O’connell,that good sir is good lineage. Ever heard of Daniel O’connell, he fought for catholic emancipation,waged war and held monster rallies.Every child in Ireland knows his name. You could be related to him.Before complaining take a proper look back and see. you could be related to someone as kickass as that. I did and honest to god found out I’m related to william the conqueror….that’s how i deal with jealousy. You might have a nice new holiday/job/ house but my ancestor conquered yours.

  • Bethanie Marshall

    I was just thinking this today. I am jealous of my friends that make more money than me. Then those friends might end up with a DUI and this is impossible for me  since I haven’t had money to go out and drink in weeks. I’m jealous of friends that might have better jobs than me, and I constantly tell myself that when I graduate I will find a better job then theirs (oh god I hope so). I am the friend that effortlessly gets into relationships it seems, though. I sum that part up to having low standards.

    • audrey


  • Guest

    The fact still remains that no one physically or mentally has “everything”, so make the most of what you have. Constantly comparing yourself to others is natural but if you don’t keep it in check it will make you miserable as fuck. Why live like that?

  • Tony Jiang

    I know you edit this blog…. but if you want people to keep reading it you’re going to have to get a filter …. what the fuck was that? 

  • Egle Makaraite

    Honestly, I feel like you could have written a better ending. But this was excellent nonetheless. :)

  • Sara K

    Yeah Ryan, I’m jealous that you’re so witty and have people constantly proclaiming, “Ryan O’Connell, I LOVE YOU,” even if it is via Disqus commenting systems. 
    Oh and I’m super jealous of those bitches who look hot 24/7 and don’t even have to worry about needing to wake up the ass crack of dawn to blow dry their hair so that it looks half decent. bitchessss.

  • Björn

    When I first starting reading your articles, I disliked you as a person. Maybe because you say things as they are. Your writing has always been great, because it feels very humane, but I just didn’t like the way you think.

    Though, after some time, I think we’d really get along if we knew each other personally. Maybe I’ve changed, or maybe I’ve gotten comfortable with your views on certain matters. You’ve definitely become my favourite Thought Catalog contributor.

  • Matthew Ballek

    I’m jealous of nice cuticles. 

  • Blub

    U jelly?

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