You: Hi. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Are you going to throw up?
Your Ex: No, I’m not.
You: After all these years, you still have the power to make me nervous and nauseous. I hate you for that. Why can’t I do the same to you? I want you to be sick!
Your Ex: I’m sorry. I feel fine. Maybe a little congested.
You: Allergies? You always got those in the summer.
Your Ex: Must be it.
Your Ex: Why did you want to interview me? This feels weird.
You: I feel like I have a lot to ask you but I didn’t know if I had the right. Doing it in an interview makes me feel protected or something, like I could ask you anything because it’s for the interview and not really about us..
Your Ex: Do you still think about me a lot?
You: No. I don’t.
Your Ex: That’s not true. Look where we are now.
You: I mean, I do. But not really. Weird things will trigger it. Like when I pass that McDonalds on Orange Grove. Remember when we spent six hours there one day just hanging out?
Your Ex: I think so.
You: Fuck you. I’m already getting angry.
Your Ex: Why?
You: Because now I feel stupid for even mentioning it. It’s clear that you’ve forgotten it. So why the hell do I still remember it? Why do I turn into a deer in headlights when I pass a fast food restaurant when you can barely recall the memory? I want to be you in this situation. I want to not remember McDonalds.
Your Ex: You sound crazy right now.
You: Yeah, well it’s because I am. You make me crazy. You make me psychotic.
Your Ex: Okay.
You: Tell me what you do remember then. I’m curious.
Your Ex: I don’t know.
Your Ex: Okay. I remember you making me laugh a lot. You’re very funny but you know that. And you liked to listen to this one song by The Field Mice a lot whenever we would make out. It was hilarious. You’d act like it accidentally came on when you had clearly cued it. Um, I remember your family was crazy. I remember us taking the train a lot one summer. And…
You: That was fine. You can stop. Thank you.
Your Ex: What? Was that not what you wanted? Jesus, I can’t win.
You: I’m okay! I just didn’t need you to continue.
Your Ex: Okay, what else would you like to know? Let’s get this over with.
You: I guess I would just like to know that you don’t hate me. And that you look back with fondness on everything. I didn’t know if you even liked me for a period of time afterwards.
Your Ex: I probably didn’t. But everything’s okay now.
You: Good. I just can’t stand the thought of people I once cared about not liking me. It feels like such a waste of love.
Your Ex: You’re so dramatic! You can’t control everything, you know.
You: I know.
Your Ex: Things happen. Life is not like a movie. It ebbs and flows. You have to respect that. (SNIFFLES)
You: Are you crying?! I got emotion out of you! Hallelujah!
Your Ex: It’s just my allergies.
You: Oh. Here’s a tissue.
(HANDS EX BOYFRIEND A TISSUE)
Your Ex: Thanks.
You: We’re done here, I think.
Your Ex: Did you get what you wanted?
You: I think so. Yeah, I did.