You: Hi. Do you hate me?
Someone You’ve Dumped: What? Why would I? No!
You: I don’t know. I mean, I would hate me if I were you. I treated you terribly.
Someone You’ve Dumped: I don’t really remember it like that. You could be a brat but you weren’t cold or cruel.
You: Really? Because I think I was all of those things. It worries me that you don’t think so. I think you’re conditioned to being treated badly or something. I remember all of your friends used to walk all over you. You had pudding for a backbone.
Someone You’ve Dumped: Gee, thanks. If that’s true, then why did you do it too? I don’t get you. Why did you even want to talk to me? So you can apologize for being a jerk to me and get mad if I don’t respond the way you want me to?
You: No. I wanted to let you know that I’m not really that person who you dated. It was a weird time for me and I feel like I took out a lot of my anger and aggression on you. I apologize for that.
Someone You’ve Dumped: I told you that everything was fine. What more do you want? You know, this conversation seems more for your benefit than it is for mine. It seems like you just want me to alleviate you of your guilt.
You: Okay, do you want me to be real? I kind of secretly hoped to get a reaction out of you today. Throughout our whole relationship, you let me get away with murder and it drove me crazy. I just wanted you to push back and put me in check. But you’re not even doing it now. You’re still just like, “Oh no big deal. We’re cool!” WHY ARE WE COOL? WE SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE OF COOL.
Someone You’ve Dumped: You’re nuts. I’m witnessing someone be nuts right now. It’s exciting!
You: Okay, I like this part of you. You’re being sassy. Where was this person when we dated? Sassy was so far away from you then.
Someone You’ve Dumped: I’m really sorry that I wasn’t busting your balls the entire time we were together. I didn’t know that I was being secretly tested. But you know what? We’re broken up. We didn’t work out and I guess this is why. You wanted me to be someone I wasn’t.
You: Oh my god, you’re being so logical right now…
Someone You’ve Dumped: Yes. I have the tendency to make sense.
You: No, I know. I just….yeah. You’re right. I don’t know what else to say.
Someone You’ve Dumped: I appreciate that you feel bad and want to apologize. But I don’t need your apology. Honestly, I didn’t think that what we had was that bad. And if that makes me sort of masochist, then so be it. But know one thing, okay? You can’t get everyone to like you. You can’t try to patch up things with everyone you dated. Sometimes things just end and that’s it. No one hates you, no one loves you, it just is. The time you spent together exists as a moment in time and doesn’t spill over into the present. I feel like that’s what we were. We had a good run and it’s done. We don’t need to be having this conversation.
Someone You’ve Dumped: No, I’m not humoring you with this. If you feel bad about doing some mean things during our relationship, then I give you permission to no longer feel bad about it. But I’m not going to just sit here and watch you bait me into having the kind of reaction you would want me to have. It’s gross.
You: Well, okay then. Wow, this is sort of like a dream conversation.
Someone You’ve Dumped: It is a dream, doofus. You’re writing it.
You: Oh, right.