- Your hand doesn’t talk back. It doesn’t bitch and complain or ask to be on top. It doesn’t text you at three in the morning asking you to come over. Your hand doesn’t yell. It doesn’t bum you out and make you cry to “Wonderwall” alone in your room. And it’s certainly not going to ask you to pay for dinner.
- Which brings me to my second reason: masturbating is 100% free! If you think sex is free, then you’re clearly not thinking hard enough. Sex is not free. Sex is a cab ride to the middle of nowhere at five am. Sex is oysters, alcohol, a new pair of jeans. Sex is expensive for everyone (not just Charlie Sheen).
- You’re the one steering in the boat. Oftentimes having sex can feel like a compromise (oh, you want it that way? okkayyyy fine). When you’re jacking off, it is all about your wants and needs. Don’t want to take your socks off? You don’t have to! It’s your fantasy, mister! You call all the shots.
- Fantasies are what makes masturbating so fun. Sure, you can roleplay and dress up in the bedroom, but there’s a limit. Your boyfriend is never going to be the English teacher with the tight ass you wanted to bang in eleventh grade (no matter how many desks you have sex on) and your girlfriend is never going to be that hot girl in the laundromat you saw one day five years ago. Who knew that the laundromat girl would end up being the masturbatory gift that kept on giving, by the way?
- Do you miss the best sex you ever had? Well, it’s still here waiting for you! Using the power of your mind and hand, you can revisit your sexiest moments. Sometimes I feel weird about masturbating to people I’ve already slept with but I get over it. After all, there’s no shame in the self-pleasure game.
- You can often have better orgasms. Who can do you better than…you? That’s why I always pass on handjobs. It’s like “Please do something to me that I literally cannot do already myself. I am usually so limited. There are a myriad of different ways you can get me off that I could never do as a solo star.”
- It’s empowering! A good masturbation sesh is amazing “ME” time. Screw going to lunch and the movies alone. Go home and screw yourself. I don’t trust people who don’t masturbate. If you can’t get down with your private parts, you’re going to be no fun when you’re getting down with someone else.
- You rarely will be disappointed. If you don’t have the orgasm of your liquid dreams, you have no one to blame but your lack of sexy imagination.
- You can go to your sexy #dark place. I swear, I’ve felt more Catholic guilt over my masturbation fantasies than what I’ve actually done during sex.
- You don’t have to wear a condom, worry about getting pregnant or acquiring an STD. I saved the most obvious for last.
image – I Touch Myself
