The internet likes shitstorms. They like it when someone says something incredibly stupid just so they can respond with something more eloquent. The internet is a total Know-It-All and it’s so hard to deal with. If the internet showed up to a party, everyone would just run away screaming.
The internet likes to read studies done by the University of Minnesota that suggest that drinking a ton of alcohol may or may not contribute to a longer life span. It is always on the lookout for “OMG, can you believe it?” news.
The internet likes being really cool and one step ahead. They like to break stories, make amusing snarky commentary, and then join a larger amusing snarky discussion. The internet is kind of a dick.
The internet likes listening to music before anyone else can. They’re on that underground tip, blowing up your blogs, and getting record deals. Have you heard of this one indie rapper who has one eye and raps about Marc Jacobs? No?! Well, you have to. Here’s a link to their mix tape.
The internet likes being a nosy little bitch. It wants to know everything. “where r u? who r u dating? what did u do last night?” Get off me.
The internet likes to piss you off. It’s definitely an instigator. “Hey, look at this. Your ex-BF is in a new relationship LOL.” It has no tact. WWW.BUGABOO.COM = the internet’s permanent address.
The internet likes to make you laugh. “OMG, funny cat video. OMG, funny cat with dog video. Look, it’s a baby who’s purring like a cat.” It has a juvenile yet somehow smart sense of humor. It caters to the lowest common denominator while still amusing the smarty pants of the blogosphere.
The internet likes it when you relate. It likes it when you’re touched by something. Like it, please. You like it, right?
The internet likes sex and porn. It makes sooooo much money and is a huge slice of its virtual pie. Sex is everywhere on the internet. You’re a few clicks away from an orgasm at any given moment.
The internet likes New York and feels kind of weird about L.A.. The internet pats San Francisco on the head and is indifferent to everywhere else (unless someone crazy lives somewhere like Iowa. In which case, the internet is all over that person and will make them a star for five seconds).
The internet likes food. Talking about food, blogging about food, pictures of food. The internet is starving.
The internet knows you’re its bitch. The internet knows this about everyone. It’s like Frankenstein. We created it and now we’re sort of like, “J/K. Take it back?” It’s not going anywhere. #sowwy