Straight Dudes: How Not To Hit On Girls

Hey straight dudes, I know you. I know you better than your girlfriend or your best guy friend. Why? Because I’m gay. I have the benefit of knowing how you operate because I also have a penis. However, I also having a keen understanding of women. Yeah. Be scared. No, don’t be homophobic. Just be aware of our power.

When I go out to the bars wItH My GuRlFrIeNds, my main job is to protect their vaginas and make sure no one disgusting attempts to go near it. By doing this kind of service throughout the years, I’ve been able to observe straight male behavior at its most horrendous. They’ll slink up to the bar with their gelled hair, baggy button downs and jeans, and actually say the kind of pick up lines you’ll hear in a bad romantic comedy. I’ll watch a grown-ass man be reduced to mush when presented with the mere possibility of having sex. They’ll stare at my girlfriends with this hunger and desperation that’s so utterly depressing to witness. I just want to take them by the arm and be like, “Pull yourself together. Where is your dignity?!” but I don’t because I’m scared I’ll get beat up. Don’t tase me, bro.

Usually these types of sleazy guys are good at preying on the weaker girls. However, sometimes they have a misstep and wander over to my friends. Big mistake, buddy. My girlfriends are tough powerful women. They will laugh you out of this bar and into the blogosphere. Typically when a gross guy approaches one of them, they’ll say something really lame and my friend will retort with something sarcastic that will go way over the dude’s head. He’ll just give them a confused smile and then try again. It’s a fascinating thing to watch—a dumb dude trying to get a smart girl—and I usually ping pong between feeling bad and experiencing a strong sense of pride. This is feminism: Making fun of a stupid asshole at a bar who would’ve slept with you and left before the sun came up. You go girl!

A consistent theme that has run across all of these encounters is fear. Once the dumb straight dude realizes he has accidentally flirted with a smart girl, an “Oh shit!” expression spreads across his face and he tries to backpedal his way out of the conversation. He kicks himself for wasting such precious time on a girl who will never buy into his bullshit and quickly tries to leave the conversation so he can make do with whatever amount of time he has left to get laid. Occasionally they’ll get angry at my friends and call them a bitch, which is terrifying and offensive. Why are some straight men so terrified of strong women? They look at them curiously like an insect and then a feeling of rage washes over them. “How dare you reject me? That’s my job. Screw you and your big brain!” Their sense of entitlement is astounding. When they don’t get what (or who) they want, they regress into a five-year-old. Not hot.

All of this is rooted in deep-seeded misogyny blah blah blah feminism 101. Some  straight men can’t seem to hang with a smart girl because they need to be the dominant one. The ones that can, however, are a dream. You know in a second if they’re legit. They’ll approach my girlfriends with a casual confidence and when they get their balls busted, they dish it right back. It’s like they’ve just hit the dude jackpot and it’s a beautiful thing to see. “Oh, so you don’t mind that I’m six foot and won’t ever do your laundry? Sweet. Where do I sign?”

Straight dudes, know that the gays are watching you. We know what you did last summer and the summer before that so don’t try to pull any crap on us or our girls. We know your games because we play them too. Happy flirting! TC mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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