Straight Dudes: How Not To Hit On Girls

Hey straight dudes, I know you. I know you better than your girlfriend or your best guy friend. Why? Because I’m gay. I have the benefit of knowing how you operate because I also have a penis. However, I also having a keen understanding of women. Yeah. Be scared. No, don’t be homophobic. Just be aware of our power.

When I go out to the bars wItH My GuRlFrIeNds, my main job is to protect their vaginas and make sure no one disgusting attempts to go near it. By doing this kind of service throughout the years, I’ve been able to observe straight male behavior at its most horrendous. They’ll slink up to the bar with their gelled hair, baggy button downs and jeans, and actually say the kind of pick up lines you’ll hear in a bad romantic comedy. I’ll watch a grown-ass man be reduced to mush when presented with the mere possibility of having sex. They’ll stare at my girlfriends with this hunger and desperation that’s so utterly depressing to witness. I just want to take them by the arm and be like, “Pull yourself together. Where is your dignity?!” but I don’t because I’m scared I’ll get beat up. Don’t tase me, bro.

Usually these types of sleazy guys are good at preying on the weaker girls. However, sometimes they have a misstep and wander over to my friends. Big mistake, buddy. My girlfriends are tough powerful women. They will laugh you out of this bar and into the blogosphere. Typically when a gross guy approaches one of them, they’ll say something really lame and my friend will retort with something sarcastic that will go way over the dude’s head. He’ll just give them a confused smile and then try again. It’s a fascinating thing to watch—a dumb dude trying to get a smart girl—and I usually ping pong between feeling bad and experiencing a strong sense of pride. This is feminism: Making fun of a stupid asshole at a bar who would’ve slept with you and left before the sun came up. You go girl!

A consistent theme that has run across all of these encounters is fear. Once the dumb straight dude realizes he has accidentally flirted with a smart girl, an “Oh shit!” expression spreads across his face and he tries to backpedal his way out of the conversation. He kicks himself for wasting such precious time on a girl who will never buy into his bullshit and quickly tries to leave the conversation so he can make do with whatever amount of time he has left to get laid. Occasionally they’ll get angry at my friends and call them a bitch, which is terrifying and offensive. Why are some straight men so terrified of strong women? They look at them curiously like an insect and then a feeling of rage washes over them. “How dare you reject me? That’s my job. Screw you and your big brain!” Their sense of entitlement is astounding. When they don’t get what (or who) they want, they regress into a five-year-old. Not hot.

All of this is rooted in deep-seeded misogyny blah blah blah feminism 101. Some  straight men can’t seem to hang with a smart girl because they need to be the dominant one. The ones that can, however, are a dream. You know in a second if they’re legit. They’ll approach my girlfriends with a casual confidence and when they get their balls busted, they dish it right back. It’s like they’ve just hit the dude jackpot and it’s a beautiful thing to see. “Oh, so you don’t mind that I’m six foot and won’t ever do your laundry? Sweet. Where do I sign?”

Straight dudes, know that the gays are watching you. We know what you did last summer and the summer before that so don’t try to pull any crap on us or our girls. We know your games because we play them too. Happy flirting! TC mark

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Straight Dudes: How Not To Hit On Girls is cataloged in , , , , , , ,
  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    True story. 

    Editors note – “However, I also having a keen understanding of women.”

  • M

    Great article. Personally, as a straight dude with a brain, I can attest to the asset of having the “gay friend” around… they’re great wingmen! Thanks gay guys!

  • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

    Can you please stop reducing all-of-women to the set of girls you happen to know? Or your perception of the girls you hang out with. Its has gotten beyond tiresome.

    • Guest

      Can you please use proper punctuation and grammar?

      • Grammer Pleese?

        The grammar nazi strikes again.

  • http://entropicalia.wordpress.com Alison

    Can you please stop reducing all-of-women to the set of girls you happen to know? Or your perception of the girls you hang out with. Its has gotten beyond tiresome.

  • http://pickyourfuture.wordpress.com/ RebekahMeinecke

    It’s so annoying when they get mad. I once smiled and told a guy I had a boyfriend (which wasn’t true at the time) after he HAD NOT taken any of my hints. He then proceeded to call me a bitch and say that he wasn’t hitting on me. This was after he had offered to buy me drinks, used creepy pick up lines etc.

    • Guest

      “the perils of bar life”

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    One of the better pieces of yours lately. I need to get me a Gay.

  • NorCal412

    Part of the reason I never bother trying to pick up girls at bars anymore. Even with casual confidence, it’s still a crapshoot. Vicious.

    Cheers everyone!

    • http://twitter.com/buytoiletpaper Meaghan S

      rejection is a risk ANY time you pursue something you’re not entitled to. ROLL WIT’ IT.

      • NorCal412

        Entitlement aside, of course rejection is a risk. Anytime, anywhere. It’s just tough/pointless when you’re putting yourself at some pretty crappy odds. I’m cool now with just chilling with buddies and downing beers and if one of my friends wants to roll the dice, I’ll gladly go wingman status to support him. And no matter what happens, whether those girls aren’t having any of it, whether an interesting conversation gets going, or whether we meet the girls of our dreams, it’s allllll good.

      • Guest

        “putting yourself at some pretty crappy odds”
        ..
        WHY WOULD YOU THINK THERE WAS EVEN A CHANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

      • NorCal412

        My bad, my bad. I guess we can’t even be entitled to crappy odds.

      • Personal best

        stop treating women like they’re a gambling game and maybe you’ll fare better.

      • NorCal412

        The game is the game!

      • Personal best

        …sex/love are not games. you sound completely immature. i wonder why you don’t get girls.

      • Sophia

        You sound ridiculous. “Odds” exist in situations everywhere. And actually, I think for a lot of both men and women, going to the bar in search of someone is definitely a game of sorts. Stop acting so self-important.

      • Guest

        Ah, so human interaction is just a big game now? Who is winning then?

      • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        Welcome to the Kingdom of Nature

      • Guest

        that is exactly what i’ve been thinking. why guys assume that they’re entitled, I’m not sure. some of them are so stupid that they think there is this formula to getting sex. like, really? there is no formula, morons.

  • Random

    Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but basically your girl friends bust the balls of any dude who approaches them? That seems counterproductive?

    • Guest

      not really. if you like being a sarcastic bitch to people, you need to find someone who is able to take it and hand it back to you as well.

      • Congratulations!

        So basically all his girlfriends are sarcastic bitches. Awesome.

      • Dude

        this is very common.  if you’re not the right height or whatever then you have to go through a social gauntlet to get any kind of acceptance, after which the group will mistreat you.. it’s possible after some abuse to get accepted however.  any guy can get the girl with enough persistence.. because all they can do is talk and posture.  talk is cheap, love is strong.

      • Dude

        this is very common.  if you’re not the right height or whatever then you have to go through a social gauntlet to get any kind of acceptance, after which the group will mistreat you.. it’s possible after some abuse to get accepted however.  any guy can get the girl with enough persistence.. because all they can do is talk and posture.  talk is cheap, love is strong.

  • Random

    Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but basically your girl friends bust the balls of any dude who approaches them? That seems counterproductive?

  • lunch

    I was actually hoping that this piece would be productively inspiring; instead what I got out of is there are eyes everywhere. Constructive criticism, is what many of the straight guys are reading this for.

    • Sam

      I liked the article, but I agree the title was misleading.

  • anony

    perfect, and there’s nothing like ending an article with a lil sum sum from george michael!

  • lunch

    I was actually hoping that this piece would be productively inspiring; instead what I got out of is there are eyes everywhere. Constructive criticism, is what many of the straight guys are reading this for.

  • Anon

    Oh my God, the best is when they (the brighter creeps) try to psychoanalyze you. “Are you afraid of sex? Is that why you keep turning me down?” No, it’s because you’re a desperate toolbag.

    • Guesty

      I like when you turn them down and the next thing they say is ‘come onnnn.’  

      Oh, well, I wasn’t going to sleep with you – but now that you’ve said that I totally will.  

    • Guesty

      I like when you turn them down and the next thing they say is ‘come onnnn.’  

      Oh, well, I wasn’t going to sleep with you – but now that you’ve said that I totally will.  

  • http://miriammogilevsky.wordpress.com Miriam Mogilevsky

    I love this. I was once at a party where  a dude started dancing with me and tried to kiss me, and I politely said that I have a boyfriend. (Which I did, at the time.) And he was like “YEAH WELL you should have that written on your forehead!” …really?

  • Liliana

    I love this! Haha, there are reasons we go to gay bars, so we can party and not get hit on by losers!

    • Guest

      very good idea.

  • https://unemploymentisnotsexy.wordpress.com/ To

    I’d most definitely  take a smart girl over a weak girl. They know how to hold a conversation and if they hold me to a higher standard of man, will be less apprehensive in providing me a good handjob.

  • Marcus Halberstram

    OK. So this article taught me two things: 1) “Smart” girls don’t like to be hit on by men with hair gel and 2) Gay guys like to cockblock.

    Thanks for the valuable insight. Just because a gay dude has a penis doesn’t mean he knows anything about women and how to approach them. Let’s leave that to the (real) women.

    This article is like me, a straight, non-baseball playing, male, saying that because I have watched tons of games I can go out there and give pitching advice to a major leaguer. Next time, maybe you can write an article about how not to pick up other dudes based on experience.

    • Guest

      Is my opinion about the President inherently wrong since I’ve never been a President? Or is it possible that people who are outside of the group they are criticizing actually DO have valid views on said group? Said group in this case being douchey straight guys, obviously. I guess I just fail to see the logic in your post. :/

  • G-rac Ushdugery

    Couldn’t they just tell them they’re not interested.

  • Eva

    I love you.

  • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

    “I have the benefit of knowing how you operate because I also have a penis.”

    All my Gay friends think this… and they are wrong! laugh

    Also: your smart straight female friends will more-than-likely forgo the withering zingers when a meathead of sufficient male beauty approaches the table; in which case, forget the friendship for anywhere from 24-hours to two years .  Nobody judges a dreamboat rhetorically… not until long after the primal energies have been discharged… and straight females do not discharge primal energies with their Gay male pals.  Nope.

    • Greg

      i liked the article, but this is sort of true as well

    • Guest

      wait..how are the gay friends wrong??

  • http://twitter.com/jennifersussex Jennifer Sussex

    This comment really makes me want to go to Nowhere in the Village with you and see who can hit on more sailors. 

  • http://twitter.com/jennifersussex Jennifer Sussex

    This comment really makes me want to go to Nowhere in the Village with you and see who can hit on more sailors. 

  • Kodi

    Don’t be super douchey. 

    Check.

    What now?

    You should write a part two. How to hit on girls. 

    • boss

      YES

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    I thought at first this was written by a woman. Then I see Ryan O’Connell. Way to go asshole, cockblocking other guys? Seriously, you’re out of the man club. I think this would suit you just fine because you’re clearly a chick trapped in a dudes body, not a gay man.

    • http://twitter.com/buytoiletpaper Meaghan S

      sorry, ‘dude’, he’s not writing anything ladies aren’t wise up to on their own. he’s not ‘cockblocking’ he’s letting you know that if your game reeks of pathetic, we’re all gonna smell it.

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        Sure. Cuz douchebags never get laid, right?

        If you are consciously preventing someone other than yourself from having sex with someone because you look down upon them, you are COCK BLOCKING. 

      • Guest

        you must be a romantic comedy fan..

    • http://miriammogilevsky.wordpress.com Miriam Mogilevsky

      I hope you’re joking, Greg.

    • Guest

      yeah, greg. because if ryan wasn’t out with his girlfriends and it was just the girls, i’m sure their panties would just fall off … -_-.
      fucking moron. get a life.

    • Andrew Joseph Ridgeway

      You’re clearly one of the sexually frustrated man-predators he’s talking about. Don’t worry. I’m sure that someday you’ll find a drunk girl who hates herself enough to go home with you. Just keep the faith, brother.

  • Anthony Carcetti

    But does looks matter?

    • http://twitter.com/Max_Not_Mark Max M

      No but grammar does.

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