Screw New York!

Screw New York for making it hard to live anywhere else. People come to the city and get sucked in immediately. They’re always talking about getting away but the second they do, they begin to miss the energy. They sit in their big chain restaurant in their small town, spend three dollars on a cocktail and think about what they’re possibly missing in the city. “I needed this quiet, I needed this yummy iced tea, I needed to drive. Now take me back to the crowded restaurants and urine-soaked subways.”

Screw New York for getting away with murder. For being able to charge obscene amounts for rent, create the pointless job of brokers, and make it impossible to do something like grocery shop. New York is allowed to do things that no other city would have the balls to attempt. Why? Because it’s New York and people will put up with so much bullshit just to experience the everyday life of the city.

Screw New York for being too hot or too cold. For giving us five months of winter, five months of summer and only one month each for fall and spring. Screw New York for making me sweat or freeze, make me buy winter coats and show lots of skin in tank tops.

Screw New York for giving us such wonderful food and then expecting us to be skinny. Thanks for opening a carnival-themed restaurant in the East Village that serves gourmet funnel cake. Let me just eat that and have everyone judge me for 5,000 years.

Screw New York for attracting the most evil gay men in the world! They’re already sort of scary because of their narcissism but the ones who come to New York especially think they’re the best invention since sliced bread (oh, I’m sorry for even mentioning bread. I know you’re not eating that right now). Screw New York for housing the most emotionally unavailable, career-obsessed and attractive people. Here’s a game you can play every day: “How many beautiful people can I see in one day who will make me feel bad about myself?”

Screw New York for turning everyone into functional alcoholics and drug addicts. The city expects too much from us so we turn to our vices to keep up and just deal. No one judges anyone here for taking an Adderall or a Xanax. They get it. Do what you have to do, babe! Can I have some?

Screw New York for tricking everyone into believing its the center of the world. Um, hi. It’s not. Places like San Francisco and Seattle are not populated with stupid rednecks. New York is so far up its own ass and it deludes people into thinking there is nothing else in the world worthwhile. What do you know, I’m happy in Kansas City, Missouri paying three hundred dollars a month. Boo yah!

Screw New York for turning everyone into elitist jerks. Everyone thinks they’re the shit just because they “survive” in the city. It doesn’t help that everyone else in the world is sucking the city’s dick. “Oh my god, you live in New York? So jealous!” Why?! New York doesn’t want you to know that you could live happily somewhere else. It’s the giant secret. It’s like a cult that people join just because they relate to Carrie Bradshaw. I refuse to drink the Kool Aid any longer!

Screw New York for creating moments that are so beautiful, you could almost cry. Screw New York for that perfect spring afternoon or perfect beach day in the summer. It’s what we latch on to and choose to remember. It’s what keeps us renewing our lease.

Screw New York for trapping us all. Screw New York for screwing us and having us ask for some more. “Please screw me again New York. I sort of like it. I’ll do anything to stay here and have brunch with my girlfriends!”

Screw New York for making me miss it even when I write this tirade. I’ll see you, you piece of shit tomorrow. Love you. TC mark

image – CJ Isherwood

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


More From Thought Catalog

  • Haley F
  • Kyla


  • ANG

    I could really use a funnel cake right now…

  • Yann Icus

    Sounds like a violent spouse you just keep coming back to. 

  • NycScorp

    No no, you got one thing wrong. NYC does not have the most evil gay men; Los Angeles does. 

  • guest

    one of the best thoughts I’ve read in a few weeks.

  • Michael Koh

    I really miss NYC right now. Thanks bro

  • david carter

    Sounds like you need to move to London.

  • Arian

    omg i’m crying at work. i want to be friends with you

  • Cultural Vistas

    LOVE this. 

  • Emil Rivera

    “It’s what keeps us renewing our lease.” YES

  • audrey o

    All this, so true.. 

  • Guesty

    Dude, just eat the funnel cake and get over it.  

    • Meat Tornado

      You must be one of those skinny people:

  • Guesty

    Also, I am seven months NYC-free and I do not miss it.  FREEDOM

    • Tom Cotez

      I left nyc 4-5 years ago and have never been happier about that decision, although I have ultimately returned because I am just 15 miles away in new jersey… being in northern NJ w/ pub trans to nyc in 20 minutes is really awesome because I still live in a normal suburbia…. check out 

      Clifton/Montclair/Bloomfield/Glen Ridge/Verona/Roseland/North Caldwell

    • ...

      I envy you! 

  • OT

    When you’re born here there is no midwest to return to, transplants should be glad about that

    • Guesty

      Is everyplace the midwest to you people?  

      Wait, don’t answer that.

      • OT

        isn’t the midwest the only place people escape from? oh and Detroit

      • Guesty


      • Guesty


      • Guester

        yes. ever hear of flyover states? new york, california, and everywhere else. 

  • kaylee

    more about new york? really…. okay

  • coffeeandinternets

    I feel like you’re saying NYC is the Regina George of popular cities, and you, sir, are not wrong.

    Well written and well done!

  • Guest

    “What do you know, I’m happy in Kansas City, Missouri paying three hundred dollars a month. Boo yah!”

    My brother pays a little over $250. Shit cheap housing > New York.

    • guest

      not when you’re stuck in missouri…..

      • zoe

        its not bad, jerkoff

      • guest

        yeah, it’s not bad if you want to settle down with your high school sweetheart and have  children by the time you are 25.  probably a great place for that.

      • Karath

        umm, yep, EXACTLY what she was talking about with how New Yorkers need to get over themselves and their urine-soaked rathole of a “home”

      • Aron Szenasi

        You didn’t read the whole thing did you? She was saying it’s all worthwhile in the end. 

      • Guesty

        KC is cool.

  • Meghan Blalock

    Love you.

  • Meghan Blalock

    Love you.

  • Joe

    God this makes me so sad. I think you captured New York and all of its greatness very well.

  • Joe

    God this makes me so sad. I think you captured New York and all of its greatness very well.

  • Rest of the World

    You Americans are so obsessed with yourself. THERE ARE OTHER CITIES IN THE WORLD.

    • guywithabrain

      It’s so smart of you to think that all Americans live in New York.  We have fifty other states with thousands of other cities.  But yeah, no, you’re really smart.

      • MissyMiss

        You mean forty-nine other states, right?

      • guywithabrain

        No, 50. There are 51 states. But yeah, no, you’re really smart too.

      • eff the u. s. of effin america

        There are 51 states? Canada isn’t a state.

      • Maggiebex

        D.C. isn’t a state either. Neither are Puerto Rico, Guam, or the U.S. Virgin Islands. And there are still only 50 stars on the flag.

        Care to educate the rest of us on this mythic 51st state, guywithaBRAIN who is disparaging everyone else’s intelligence?

      • nativeNYCer

        NYC isn’t America. And thank god for that.

    • Anonymous

      But none of them are New York. Deal with it.

    • Ragnar

      Right.. But if its so overrated, then why the fuck are so many tourists crowding my walk to work?! 

  • Gimme

    I want to experience all of that.

    • ...

      Really? Thats pretty stupid. 

  • ...

    I have lived in NY for 4 years, not that long, I know… but its without a doubt the worst city I have ever lived in. Fuck this place. There is nothing cute about it it. If it weren’t for the job I have, I would have dipped out a couple of years ago. All the pro NY comments on here are so typical of the fake NYers that are way to desperate to realize that this city is fucking them in the ass.

    • choooch

      please state your favorite city.

    • E S

      From a life long NY’er who was born and raised here, and is now raising a family here:
      Do us all a favor; pack your sh*t and GTFO… NOW. You’re not wanted. 4 years… gimme a break. Yeah, you’ve SEEN IT ALL… These articles and all the bullshit that has come from them are by, for and about transplants who came here to ‘make it’. Ugh. Go home. Where ever home is. All of the crap in this ‘article’ either means nothing to me or is shit i got out of my system when i was 16. Such garbage.

      • TJ

        ES, in my opinion you come across as a sort of elitist and another person who has just “seen it all,” very much like the person in the comment you were responding to. You had the luck to be born in New York, although through no merit of your own. Many people work hard to have the chance to live there because it is an amazing city, and I think maybe “transplants” help to make it what it is? Does everyone born in New York have all the skills required to fill every job in New York needed to keep all of its industries thriving? I’m glad you were able to work out so many issues at the age of 16, but there may be one or two still remaining if you feel the need to tell people to “get out” of your self-imagined tree house.

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